Exploring Sexual Fantasies: Carla’s Story

CONFESSION
What kind of woman was she, Carla wondered, who could fantasize about a man other than the one who was at that moment making mad, passionate love to her and whispering sweet nothings in her ear? It wasn’t that the “other man” was even someone she knew, because his identity changed from fantasy to fantasy. Sometimes her lover’s competitor would be a young movie star like Brad Pitt or a seasoned megastar like Sean Connery. Other times the man who invaded her mind and shared to bed with the two of them was just some stranger she had seen days or weeks before walking down the street.The distracting mirages she enjoyed so much were making her feel as though she was betraying her lover. She wondered if it was possible to permanently banish those sexy images from her thoughts.

CONSEQUENCE
The worst possible scenario that existed was that Carla could inadvertently call her lovers by another name. There was no harm to be done in fantasy, but her partner might have been hurt and it could have cost her a worthy partner.

STRATEGY
Since Carla was aware of what was going on in her mind, and since the fantasy was doing no harm to herself, there was no need to change anything, except to improve her communication with her lovers.

SOLUTION
I informed Carla that her situation was not unique, either to herself or to her gender. Men, also, had the same predicament. If she really wanted to share her fantasies with her partner, in order to diffuse any emotional hurt of the moment, she should simply reassure him that her own fantasies were not real, and not meant to insult him. Also, that she would understand whatever fantasies he might have. Then, if she verbalized her fantasy, it would only enhance rather than detract from the situation. Above all, Carla should only share her sexual fantasies if she felt they would enhance the relationship, not hurt it.

BENEFITS
This approach encouraged Carla to be self-accepting and to escape the pitfalls of neuroticism and self-doubt. Honest communication on an intimate level is important, after all, when looking for the right partner.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking Into the Sexual Secrets of America by Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward