Men and “The Hunt” Explained

I get lots of letters about all sorts of dating, sex and relationship problems every day. It’s interesting that they so often fall into clearly defined categories.

 

One of the most common comes from women that follow various prescribed paths only to find that they prevent or destroy their relationships. The majority of these paths seem to come from what I call “mass-think”. More specifically, these are ideas that; while totally incorrect, continue to be shared as “fact” mostly among women. They are actually, anything BUT fact, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

 

Just this morning I received a response from a woman whose question I answered yesterday. She chided me for being “wrong” since she had “…read lots of other’s advice that said just the opposite…”

 

Interestingly, it was that very advice that got her into trouble in the first place!

 

By following this mass-think, she was going down the exact same failed path that so many other women follow, yet as often as I hear about how ineffective these beliefs are, so many continue to promote them and so few want to believe differently – and correctly.

 

Interestingly, many men fall into these failed belief patterns too; not because the actually follow the pattern, but instead, they just happen to be victims themselves of the avalanche of this same mass-think. I even hear men that even spout it themselves without knowing any better, but when you actually witness what they do and ask them why – well, it’s exactly the opposite.

 

I’m in the “what really works” business, not the mass-think business. Thus, if you are fully comfortable and don’t want to change the way you think, act or are, you’d probably best stop reading right here. On the other hand, if you want to learn a little secret that you have NEVER heard before, please read on. Just be forewarned…

 

Today’s topic: men and “the hunt”. More specifically, how women react to their belief that men “…love the hunt…” and that is somehow linked to women’s success in the dating world.

 

It’s no surprise that women spend much of their lives seeking out and acquiring knowledge about men, dating and relationships. Much of this information comes (unfortunately) from other women and thus, there are many misunderstandings about men and what motivates us.

 

In fact, men *do* love the hunt! The problem however is that women don’t really know what that is!

 

You can instantly see the disconnect here. If you are a woman and you’re trying to use methods that address men’s need to hunt, but don’t know what it really is, then you’re very likely to do what my previous reader did – simply listen to other women’s mistaken beliefs and respond to those in a “me too” fashion.

 

Let’s talk about what the hunt really is by using an actual hunt (for live game) as an example.

 

There are actually two parts to any hunt. There’s the “tracking and hunting” part, and then, there’s the kill. The differences between these two parts should be obvious. (Right?)

 

When applied to dating and relationships, this is where you girls (and some guys!) get it wrong.

 

You think that by playing hard to get, being evasive, using misdirection, speaking in double-meaning, being vague, etc., that you’re increasing the challenge of the hunt and thus, increasing your perceived value to men. This is supposed to make the man work harder and become more interested in you as a potential partner. It’s supposed to make him more willing to following YOUR game plan and do all the things you read about in romance novels.

 

Unfortunately, this simply isn’t the case.

 

What you don’t understand is that by the time we’ve found you, “the hunt” is over! We’re no longer on “the hunt”. We’re on the “kill” portion of our program.

 

In other words, we’re not interested in reaping the rewards for all our hard work!

 

If you’re the girl that tries to extend out that kill and some other, easier prey comes along, guess who’s going to become our new focus? Answer: it’s not you.

 

That’s a pretty tragic mistake, don’t you think? Yet, I constantly see women making it day in and day out.

 

These otherwise-great women lose the guy because they don’t understand this all-important rule of hunting – that the hunt doesn’t actually involve them! By the time we actually find you, the hunt is over.

 

I see this happening all the time. When I point out this fact to women I often get the argument, “Well, other people [read: “women”] have said this works!” This leads me to have to point out that if it didn’t work for this one, it’s not going to work for others either.

 

That’s both tragic and sad. But for a little education, these women could have actually had the relationship they wanted with the guy they’ve always dreamed of. Instead, they have to work twice as hard trying to repair the damage in order to try to recreate the relationship hope to have!

 

There are many obvious symptoms of this tragedy by the way. If you see these, you’ll instantly know why they are happening.

 

The guy:

 

• Never calls
• Becomes evasive and doesn’t return phone calls
• Doesn’t seem to be available or trying to set-up real dates
• Doesn’t seem interested in getting to know you as a person
• Only calls late at night because he just happened to be “free” (and usually, drunk)
• Doesn’t seem to be as open about his emotions as he was in the beginning
• Seems distracted by every other person and aspect of his life rather than you

 

…and about 100 other symptoms resulting in you never actually landing the guy in the first place.

 

This would be a good time to re-think your game plan. If you’re hoping to get some guy “on the hunt” or “on the chase”, you’re already too late in the game.

 

I know this sounds like I’m just trying to make it easier for us guys and frankly, that is the net effect of this. However, what I’m really trying to do is to make it easier for you girls!

 

What you think are us playing games with you isn’t that at all. We’re simply reacting (poorly) to your games instead.

 

So, what’s the alternative?

 

The answer is so simple, it’s going to make your head spin: actually be available and interested and engaging.

 

No, this DOES NOT make you look desperate! We guys simply don’t think this way! Remember: we’ve already spent all this time and effort hunting you down. If you make it difficult (or impossible!) to actually get the prize we were looking for, we’ll find other, easier prey.

 

 

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

 

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

 

 

A Plethora of Problems

Doc:

I have been dating my girlfriend for the past 14 months, and we have endured many situations. The one I need help with is her past. She has told me she has been with 7 guys prior to me. She originally told me 6, but I found out and not from her it was 7. She didn’t tell me because I know the guy. It does not bother me that she was with him, but it makes me feel as if she is not forthcoming with the rest of her past. I have read all the similar posts and people say I shouldn’t judge her based on her past. It is hard not to when I feel like there may be something that I am not prepared to deal with. The only reason I feel I need to know is because I have not been able to trust her. I have my own insecurities that I am well-aware of and made her aware of, but me not being able to trust her has never gone away.

The major insecurity that affects me is something I think about almost every day. When I was 9 my mother had a nervous breakdown when she found out that my father had cheated on her. It has become an issue some 15 years later as now the other woman recently sued him for backed child support and won. The woman my father cheated on my mother with was a Puerto Rican woman, my girlfriend is a Puerto Rican woman also. I definitely see the mental issue there.

I am Irish and this is only the second time I have ever dated outside of my race. My girlfriend on the other hand has never dated within her race. I am not very fond of every nationality and this bothers me to an extent but the longer I stay with her the more accepting of everyone I become.

For a long time she stayed in contact with her childhood boyfriend who she always would crawl back to when her relationships failed. He treated her miserably cheating on her at every chance he could. After meeting me she told me she met her future husband and would kill to make it come true. She stayed in contact with him until I understood the situation and told her it made me uncomfortable. She then totally dropped him off the face of the earth. She tried to make a case for him remaining in her life as a friend, which I responded to by saying it’s him or me. She chose me without batting an eyelash.

She has recently started talking heavily about marriage. At first I was very open to the idea, but everything now seems to scream no at me because I always feel she will eventually cheat on me. Originally I thought this because our sex life wasn’t good. We had sex often. After the first month, we had sex 3-6 times every day for 3 months straight. Believe it or not the sex was bad, but I’m a guy and will never turn it down. Since then however sex has become better and better and I know it’s because I have expressed concerns to her and we are working towards clearing some things up. I no longer have concerns about sex because I can make her orgasm almost on command, and this is a huge confidence booster because she has told me no one other than herself has ever made her orgasm before.

Now that you have a good understanding of my relationship, I must ask. Why after all this time do I still feel like she will cheat on me? She is with me 90% of most days. Is it her past that bothers me or mine? I am at a crossroad where I feel I either get married and tough it out over time or move on now. I really love her and am happy with her when these thoughts don’t enter my head.

Please help!!!

Hello!

Damn dude! You have a lot of issues going on here!

You blame your inability to trust her on her past. That’s absolutely not the case. You can’t trust her because of your own insecurities – nothing else. More on this in a minute.

I’m very glad to hear that you’re getting more tolerate of other races and I’ll bet what you’re finding is simply that everyone – regardless of where their families originated from – are just like everyone else.

Every one of us wants the same things in life. We all have the same ridiculous foibles, do the same dumb things, have great aspirations, love alike, etc. I’ll tell you this: I answer these questions from people quite literally from all over the globe and believe me: everyone has the same, exact issues everyone else does. It doesn’t matter what part of the world they come from.

Regarding marriage; yes, I agree that you don’t want to begin thinking about marriage until after you get these other problems solved. Marriage rarely makes a relationship better. As I constantly say, there aren’t too many divorces, there are too many marriages!

Regarding sex; I want you to start thinking differently about it. Having sex 3-6 times a day doesn’t make sex “good”. In fact, you’re exchanging quantity for quality. I’m glad things are getting better – as they should be. However, the responsibility lies entirely on your shoulders!

When people write to me complaining about their lousy sex lives, I have to point out the obvious: it’s YOUR responsibility to make your sex life as rich and exciting as you deserve. Yes, your girlfriend or wife has her responsibilities here too, but if you don’t help to teach her what you want (assuming instead that she should just “know”) you’re not doing yourself – or anyone else she’ll ever sleep with in her life – any favors.

Things are only getting better because you’re working to make them better. Don’t stop now!

Back to the first point: trust.

You’re making the classic mistake here of assuming that it’s her and her past or experience or what she says or does or anything else that’s responsible for whether you trust her or not. That’s ridiculous. Absolutely nothing about her has anything to do with your trust.

No doubt you’ve heard the old saying, “You have to love yourself before someone else can love you”? Well, it works just like that for trust too!

You have to trust YOURSELF before you can trust anyone else. The reality is that you don’t trust yourself to deal with the things in your relationship and instead, are trying to take the easy road here by off-loading that responsibility onto your girlfriend. You’re expecting her to do and say all the right things so that you can trust her.

The problem with this is that with that direction, you’ll never trust her because you don’t trust yourself to make good decisions or to deal with issues that come up.

Think about this: do you “trust her” to get something from the store if she promises to? Do you “trust her” to pick you up from the airport if she says she will?

Of course you do!

WHY???

Simple: you can go get your damn milk from the store and you can call a cab to get you home from the airport if she didn’t step up.

The problem in your relationship is that you don’t believe you can handle things that come up. Thus, you want her to have to jump through all the right hoops to MAKE you feel safe and secure. The problem is; that’s not her job, nor can she ever do all the right things. You’ll constantly be looking for something new to prove our your own insecurities.

No relationship can survive that – trust me.

You’ve got to get a handle on this. It has absolutely nothing to do with her past. You have a past too. So what if she’s been with 8 or 9 or 100 other guys? That doesn’t mean shit! What’s important – and the only thing you should be paying attention to – is that she’s working hard to make you happy. I don’t care what her nationality or past or ability to climax during sex are. I don’t even care what she says to you.

None of these things mean anything compared with her actions. Her actions are telling you everything you need to know.

This is the time to get in front of these ridiculous, unnecessary insecurities you have. If you don’t they are going to tear this otherwise great relationship apart. Then, they’ll do that to the next one and the next one after that.

YOU are in control here.

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Am I in the Friend Zone?

Doc:

I met this girl about 2 months ago in a college class. She actually seemed to show interest in me. I don’t know what her intentions were. She began by smiling at me in the library one day. Then she started to sit next to me sometimes and would make conversation with me in the halls.

As soon as she came into class, she would look back at me and do give this shy smile (which was rather strange, because she’s not a very “girly” type girl) but not say anything.  Soon she started touching me on the shoulder, back, sometimes when she laughed she leaned her head on my shoulders.

She has hugged me twice and both of these times were when I walked her somewhere. I understand that some girls just want friendship but what kind of a girl tries so hard to be friends with a guy? She gave me her contact information without hesitation when I asked and whenever we chat online, it’s basically asking questions since we don’t know much about each other.

She has never mentioned any other guy in front of me. She usually talks about her classes or job or whatever. It’s strange because there’s this comfort and familiarity between us and she always acts very enthusiastic (which sometimes makes me think I’m in the friend zone) and yet I know only a few things about her and she barely knows anything about me.

I was wondering what I should do about this girl. She has told me about her class schedule. I don’t know if she was just making conversation or letting me know when she’s not busy. I have the option of “running into her” after one of her classes but I was just thinking if it would seem creepy or too aggressive. The main problem is: she seems like one of those girls who has a lot of guy friends and yet no boyfriend. I mean would she even want a relationship? Judging by what I know about her it’s hard to imagine that no one has ever asked her out before.

I’m thinking of asking her to grab lunch with me after one of her classes (we both get out at the same time and our classrooms are right next to each other). I was wondering what I should talk to her about that day…should I try to read her more…whether she wants a relationship and all that …or if I should focus on expressing my interest in her? I keep getting all sorts of advice from people. Some say be direct before she loses interest, some say play hard to get, some GIRLS even told me to be her close friend first and then progress to a relationship (no amount of convincing will make me believe this is a good idea).  To top it off, I dont even know if she liked me. How should I go about getting this girl?

Answer: Hello Mike!

Shit Mike. I’m just sitting here hanging my head. Are you planning on entering a monastery and becoming a monk? If you continue doing what you’re doing now, you’re absolutely, positively guaranteed to die a virgin. Good luck with that.

On the other hand…

You have so many huge mistakes here I just don’t know where to even start with you!

I’m guessing you’re in high school and by now you should have gained some knowledge to not be in this situation. If so, I’m going to try to open your eyes. If not, you’re about to get some real perspective on things. I just hope you take this to heart.

Let’s begin here: you have absolutely NO education whatsoever about women. You’re now in a situation where you need some and you have none. I’m going to tell you what you should have learned by now, but that’s not going to substitute for a real education because you’re going to find yourself in 100 other situations where you’re not going to know what to do.

When I tell you what you need to do, you’re likely not going to do it either! Up until now, you’ve tried to get the wrong information from the wrong sources, listen to the wrong things and don’t even try to understand what you’re trying to learn.

Look, I’m not being hard on you simply to bust your chops. I’m expressing frustration here. What you don’t understand this that this isn’t about you at all. It’s about this poor girl. You’re actually harming her out of your ignorance. That’s wrong Mike. She doesn’t deserve this – all because you’ve avoided learning what you need to.

Here are at least some of the mistakes you’re making (besides not knowing what you’re doing):

1) Listening to girls, thinking that they’ll ever really tell you what you want and need to know about other girls. They won’t. That’s because first, they don’t date other women. They don’t really know what works and they feel totally and completely comfortable telling you things that don’t work because they don’t know.

That whole playing hard to get thing? It doesn’t work for them and it sure as hell won’t work for you. Being a girl’s friend? Are you kidding me? Is that all you want from her? Well, that’s all you get if you even start hinting at that.

Even worse, they have absolutely NO motivation to help you! Do you think they’d do it because they’re your “friend” or because they think you’re a nice guy? Don’t count on it! I can’t tell you how many girls/women I’ve talked to that feel totally within their rights to mislead you! They actually think they’re doing other girls a favor by screwing with you! That’s not a joke Mike. It’s a fact.

2) Worrying about whether she likes you or not. That’s a total and complete waste of your time, but worse, it will prevent you from doing what you have to do to start actually dating ANY girl! You can turn interest (which this girl has in spades) into attraction, IF You know how to do it!

3) You are so worried about her liking you you’re totally ignoring all the signals she’s throwing at you! This girl is actually SCREAMING at you – and you’re deaf to it!

4) You’re waiting around instead of making a move – a REAL move. I’m not talking about “hanging out” like you’re getting ready to do. That’s what cowards and virgins do. That’s now what men who are actually in the dating world do.

5) You have everything you need to pull the trigger, yet there to sit.

6) You’re worried about whether she wants a relationship or not. Mike! Seriously? This is the sole purpose that women even live! However, far more important…

7) It makes NO difference WHAT she wants! YOU (as the man) control what you have with her – NOT HER! You’re putting all of your own power into her hands and trust me on this one: she does NOT want it!

This poor girl is on the brink of giving up, and you’re worried about what you’d say to her. Do you see the disconnect here? You and she are on totally different paths.

Go to my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and read my FAQ’s (under “articles”). There, you’ll find 3 articles linked that will tell you how to hold conversations.

Bottom line is this Mike: I’ve been pretty hard on you here. It might make you angry, it might hurt your feelings or it might push you over the edge to go get the knowledge you’re going to need to have the rest of your life if you ever want to be successful with women. At the very least, hopefully, you’ll stop focusing on the wrong things and get your head into the game. This girl has done everything in her power to try to get you to do this and you’re still worried about whether she likes you or not.

Yes Mike. She likes you.

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Overcoming Self-Consciousness

Dear Dr. Neder,

I have a social issue. Ever since I was a kid, I wasalways very friendly, outgoing, sociable, charming, positive, and likable. Inaddition, I was never shy, but as I approached my teens, I became reclusive andreserved. It was also at that time when my self-esteem severely affected mysocial life, particularly where women were concerned.

This is about how I see myself and how other people seeme. Years ago, I was in a restaurant with family and friends. I had to use therestroom, which was located at the other end of the restaurant. As I made myway across, I have a tendency to look around at peoples’ faces out ofcuriosity. When I do this, some people responded by looking back at me whileothers didn’t notice. The ones that do appeared to have unfriendly looks. Fromwhat I can tell, they see me with glaring stares and when that happens, I tendto get self-conscious.

Maybe I am misinterpreting, but that is what I’venoticed. It doesn’t happen all the time and there have been situations in whichpeople were responding in a polite way with smiles.

Does this affect everybody to an extent? Have you everexperienced this? Does it ever go away at one point? How can I overcome my selfconsciousness and how other people perceive me?

Kind regards,

---

Hello!

First off, yes. It affects every single person to onedegree or another. You are certainly not alone in this!

Everyone is self-conscious at some time or another.Imagine starting a new job or going to a new school where you don’t knowanybody. How could you NOT be this way?

Interestingly, as you get older, it tends to subside formost people, but frankly, why wait? It’s not difficult at all to fix!

When you realize that everyone is in the same boat youare, you also begin to think that you can affect others too. For instance, whenyou carry a “pleasant look” on your face, that’s a pleasant look toyou – not everyone interprets things the same way. Some actually may see thisas aggressive for instance simply because you’re holding their eye contact.

One of the exercises I give my students is to walkthrough a crowded mall or restaurant and practice holding someone’s eye contactuntil THEY look away. This is a very aggressive action however and on occasion,you’ll find someone that won’t break it.

That’s an Alpha male by the way. The net result can beinteresting – everything from more aggression from that person to actualacceptance and connection! It’s amazing!

However, the vast majority of people will look down at thispoint. When you see that, you’ll now know that it’s a sign of submission andself-questioning – just like you’re doing to yourself! See? Almost everyonedoes the same thing!

In my first book, “Being a Man in a Woman’sWorld” I have an exercise where I have people make eye contact and thenuse it to break the silence as a way to learn how to approach people. Thedetails are more than I can give you here in these messages but trust me, it’sa great first step to getting this fixed permanently. If you want to discoverthis, consult the book.

The point however is that you can easily control this!You don’t have to suffer with this sort of anxiety at all. In fact, youshouldn’t suffer with it. People actually are fun and engaging if you give themthe chance. More important, WOMEN are fun and engaging, but you have to learnhow to give them that stage. When you do, you’re entire life turns around.

As I asked before – why wait to get this fixed?

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Maybe I Can Just Bore Her Into Liking Me?

Hey Doc!

First off, I’m 21 and I stay near a pretty small town that’s big enough for a WalMart but the only “mall” in town has maybe 8 stores in it. Yeah, it’s THAT small.

I got a girl’s number a while back. We’ve only had maybe two real conversations during the last semester of college: one in person, and the other where we found out we have a lot of the same friends. Even with these few interactions, when I asked for her number over Facebook, she gave it to me.

Of course, I wanted to get hold of her and ask her to hang out or go eat or something, but as I’ve said, we haven’t had too much time interacting with each other and I’m afraid of that sounding too much like a date and scaring her off. I hate that this sounds like a dumb thing to say, but I was wondering how should I approach this?

I mean, I haven’t talked to this girl a lot, so I was figuring calling her and asking would put a large amount of pressure on the both of us and seem too much like I’m asking for a date instead of something casual. That being said, I’ve thought about texting her and asking instead to alleviate that whole dating, but naturally, this seems like the cowardly way of doing it and it also seems like she’d either think I was being scared or not valuing her that highly enough to call her, as far as a romantic interest is concerned. Another option I thought of was maybe waiting until college started back up in a couple of months and trying something very casual. But maybe that’s acting too slow?

So what should I do? As lame as it may sound, it feels weird to ask her to eat or hang out or something similar? If not, should I call or text? Or better yet, should I just wait until we come back to school to try something a bit more casual?

Hello!

Sure – plan to hang out instead, bore her to tears and have her go all lukewarm on you instead. What a great idea!

Where in the hell did you get the idea that setting up a real date with a girl would scare her off?? That’s absolutely ridiculous! Buddies and cowards “hang out”. Men take women on “dates” – and women damn-well know it.

Here’s what you’re about to do: you’re about to try to hold all your “dates” via Facebook thinking that you’ll somehow lure her in. That NEVER works! The internet; and in fact, all technology (texting, email, IM, etc.) is a filter. It strips potential relationships of exactly what they need to be in order to survive – connection and emotion.

Just the fact that you haven’t gotten to know this women is a great reason to set up a date!

Get over all these dumb fears already! Why in the hell do you think she gave you her digits? Do you think it was because she didn’t want you to call her??? Seriously, knock this crap off already.

Get on the phone and call this girl up (DO NOT text her!!!!)

Then, tell her you look forward to getting to know her better and ask which day is better – next Friday or next Saturday evening to go grab a bite and maybe a drink.

Seriously – how tough is that? It’s only tough because you haven’t done it before. When you’ve done it a few times, it’s not only going to be easy, it’s going to be a ton of fun too.

If you’re really not sure about how to do all (any?) of this, check out “Being a Man in a Woman’s World” as it goes into how to set up dates, what to do, etc.

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

How Texting Killed the Dating Beast

Dr. Neder,

I’m 35 and started dating after a year-long hiatus earlier this year.  I’ve gone out with a couple of guys so far, all of them younger.  I’ve noticed that they LOVE texting, but rarely ask me out.

The latest guy is 29, and we went on our first date last Friday.  We had a great time (mini golf and dinner – and he was funny and sweet).  Since then we have not talked, but we text almost every day.  It’s usually stuff like “Have a great day,” or “how’s it going?”  We’ve also had some conversations via text (like “what is on your bucket list?”).  He works in phone sales, and says he isn’t big on talking on the phone.  That is fine, but I am old fashioned and like to get to know someone in person.

How do I get him to go out on date #2 with me?  Should I just ask him?  How do I do it?  What should I say the next time he texts?  I might need to date older men, but I’ve heard from my friends, that they are just as fond of texting as the young ones!

Frustrating!  Help!

======================

Hello!

There’s nothing “old fashioned” about not wanting to hold your dates via text. In fact, texting KILLS OFF relationships! I see it literally every single day. If you want things to die a slow, painful death between you and this (or any) guy, just keep up the texting. You’ll see what I mean very shortly.

Here’s the problem:

1) Texting is lazy. It takes absolutely no effort to create a 140-character message to someone.

2) Second, it’s way, way too safe. You take absolutely no risks by texting.

3) It has no particular connotation and thus, you get to “play date” with it while nobody exposes their hands.

4) While not exposing your hand, you’re also not moving anything anywhere!

5) Relationships are based on emotional connection. Texting strips away any emotional context and just keeps things on a fact-basis. Thus, instead of connection and getting closer, the opposite happens.

6) Its artificial and your subconscious mind knows it. Thus, you begin to develop a sense of everything about him being artificial. I’ve seen people treat others in ways that they’d never imagine themselves doing! After all, this isn’t a “real person” anyway!

..and on and on and on…

You’ve got to get off this texting thing! If this guy doesn’t know any better (and trust me, he doesn’t!) you’ve got to “help” him. Do that by telling him that you no longer want to communicate via texts. If he’s going to be 10 minutes late, that’s one thing. If he’s going to try to set up a date or express his feelings to you that’s entirely another.

You can certainly ask him out yourself – as long as you don’t do it via texts. It’s ok that he doesn’t want to talk on the phone. That helps to keep things short and to the point. You can call him and just say, “Ok, it’s time we get off the mobile network and back into real life. I’m available on Saturday…”

Frankly, you’re right! If he’s so caught up in technology and can’t connect in real life on a solid, emotional plane, he’s not old enough for you!

Hold your dates in person – not via technology!

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

How to Date – Back to Basics

Hey Dr. Dennis – Hi and thank you for your help!

I am single and I have been for 2 years. I’m a 30-year old woman with 2 part-time kids. I am attractive (though somewhat overweight), intelligent and I like to think I’m good company.

Recently, I have had some pretty bad luck in re-entering the dating scene. I’ve been stood up a couple of times, met a man who did nothing but play games with me, met another man who just took off and stopped talking to me, met another man who fell in love with me way too fast and I just want to be friends with, have had many, many emails messages through a singles site that are ignored or they will just stop talking to me with no explanation or reason, and I even joined a few Meetup groups (Meetup.com) in the area and have been putting myself out there but I just can’t seem to meet anyone who is genuine and good. In fact mostly what I’ve encountered is very negative and discouraging.

I’m also not very good at reading people so that makes things a little more difficult, and I’m not the most social person.

I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with me, or if this is typical of the dating game. I’m very saddened by everything that has transpired and I’m discouraged and distraught. I’m wonder if you have any insight on this, any tips I could try, etc., I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you!

Hello!

It seems that the single common denominator in all of this is you. Yes, I can tell you very likely what the problem is since the symptomatology is so clear and specific.

First of all, let’s do a little inventory, shall we? This is a little painful, but trust me, it’s very important so that we have a place to start.

You have two kids and you’re a single mother. You’re overweight and I’m going to bet you’ve met at least some of these guys (if not most of them) on the internet. You’re probably also using some VERY outdated dating methodologies (I’ll get more into this in a minute), and there are probably a bunch of other things going on here I don’t yet know. I’ll bet you also have some pretty high – and maybe somewhat unreasonable – expectations for the men you date.

Here’s the reality: both men and women have something of a “point system” they have to address when they consider dating. Frankly, very few people do that. They decide what they want and simply hope for it to happen. When it doesn’t, they look around and wonder why. Worse yet, they never even consider what THEY bring to the table to see if it’s even a match for the guys they want to date!

Let’s say that you live in a big city; which considering that you’re involved with Meetup, I’ll bet is true. Big cities create big competition. You have MANY other girls competing for the same “male real estate” that you are. Many of these girls are in shape and may not have kids, are younger and may even be better partners or have better dating/relationship skills than you have.

I’ll be the first to tell you that while this is unfair, it’s simply the way things are. These issues are significant problems for any single woman in the dating market! Your looks, your availability, your skill sets, and even your age are all your “dating currency”. Men look at these things and decide whether or not you’re someone on the playing field or not and whether you’re short-term material or long-term material. Don’t feel too bad however; men have their own “point system” to reach as well.

Knowing (and accepting) this will help you to maximize your ability to market to the “right” guys!

There’s another thing at play here you need to understand:

MOST women today are using the wrong play book when it comes to dating. In fact, they are using the same one their mothers and grandmothers used to be successful. The problem is, it’s a new millennium with new rules. The old techniques simply no longer work anymore. In fact, they work against you and the very symptoms you described are the same ones I see when women use these worn-out tools.

Obviously this is a very large discussion, so let’s go back to basics:

* Your look is one of the most important tools you have in dating. Maximize it! Get in shape and drop the weight. Make sure your hair is “date ready”, and by that I mean, no short haircuts! Style magazines tell you these look good – they don’t. The vast majority of guys want girls that look like girls – not boys. Thus, grow your hair out – and no wacky colors. Check your make-up and wardrobe and update it if you need to. Another problem with being a mom is that you’ve likely not kept up with these things.

* You girls continue to propagate the myths that playing “hard to get” gives you value in men’s eyes. No, it doesn’t. That is a hold-over from a long-gone age! In fact, most guys today don’t even understand this game and simply see it as rude and inept. Are you looking to date only rude guys? Of course not – neither are men. Your availability is extremely important! This is one reason why having kids works so hard against you in the dating world. Likewise, not picking up the phone, not returning phone calls, cancelling dates at the last minute and any of the 1001 other little games some of you girls play kills off modern, potential relationships! You’ve got to be available to the guys you want to date or they’ll simply go find someone that IS available – and smarter. Think about this: my readers understand these facts and usually have 2-3 or more phone numbers they’re working at any one time. If you don’t pick up the phone or return the phone call, guess who gets the date? The next girl in line! Guess who gets the relationship? Yep – same one.

* Don’t try to date via technology! This doesn’t work either! Texting and email (for example) KILLS relationships! Especially if you’re using dating sites, you’ve got to get to that in-person meeting right away! I’m talking days here – NOT weeks and especially, not multiple emails! If the guy can’t/won’t or doesn’t know he should do this, YOU have to move this into in-person immediately! You don’t want him getting impressions of you at a distance that you can never live up to! These form VERY quickly. Don’t let them.

* Don’t try to hold off sex thinking that makes the relationship better – it doesn’t. That is simply artificial manipulation of the relationship that is supposed to be moving forward. I’m not saying to get to it before you’re ready, but don’t hold it off. Men use sex early on very differently from women. Whereas you use it to bond and creating intimacy, men use it to determine if we WANT TO bond and create intimacy with you! Soon however, that window of opportunity closes and we realize we’ll never have that emotional connection with you. We’ll still have sex with you, but you’ll never have access to our hearts.

* Change your “standards”. I’m not saying to date just anyone, but you; like far too many girls in your situation have standards that your own dating currency likely can’t afford. You have too many wants and expectations without the ability to return value. Further, if a guy makes even a small mistake, you’re ready to cut him loose and move on. That’s not good dating strategy. You need to cultivate relationships, not have some perfect, unobtainable one right out of the box.

* Learn how to approach guys yourself and how to set-up dates! Give back to the dating process too! For instance, if you’ve been out with a guy a couple of times, it’s a good idea to invite him over for a meal and some wine or out for something fun. Guys don’t want to have to be the only ones investing – nor do you. Guys will quickly lose interest if they don’t see something coming back. On the other hand, guys will hang in there far longer than they should or otherwise would if they do!

* Clearly separate dating from friendship. Don’t mix the two or throw mixed signals.

* Check your attitude at the door. No guy wants to be around some girl that is judgmental, obnoxious, mean, hateful or angry. We want – and in fact, NEED – to be around women that are sweet, engaged, fun and interesting.

I’ve given you a lot to think about here. These are the basics and everything builds from there.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

How to Date – Back to Basics

Hey Dr. Dennis – Hi and thank you for your help!

I am single and I have been for 2 years. I’m a 30-year old woman with 2 part-time kids. I am attractive (though somewhat overweight), intelligent and I like to think I’m good company.

Recently, I have had some pretty bad luck in re-entering the dating scene. I’ve been stood up a couple of times, met a man who did nothing but play games with me, met another man who just took off and stopped talking to me, met another man who fell in love with me way too fast and I just want to be friends with, have had many, many emails messages through a singles site that are ignored or they will just stop talking to me with no explanation or reason, and I even joined a few Meetup groups (Meetup.com) in the area and have been putting myself out there but I just can’t seem to meet anyone who is genuine and good. In fact mostly what I’ve encountered is very negative and discouraging.

I’m also not very good at reading people so that makes things a little more difficult, and I’m not the most social person.

I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with me, or if this is typical of the dating game. I’m very saddened by everything that has transpired and I’m discouraged and distraught. I’m wonder if you have any insight on this, any tips I could try, etc., I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you!

Hello!

It seems that the single common denominator in all of this is you. Yes, I can tell you very likely what the problem is since the symptomatology is so clear and specific.

First of all, let’s do a little inventory, shall we? This is a little painful, but trust me, it’s very important so that we have a place to start.

You have two kids and you’re a single mother. You’re overweight and I’m going to bet you’ve met at least some of these guys (if not most of them) on the internet. You’re probably also using some VERY outdated dating methodologies (I’ll get more into this in a minute), and there are probably a bunch of other things going on here I don’t yet know. I’ll bet you also have some pretty high – and maybe somewhat unreasonable – expectations for the men you date.

Here’s the reality: both men and women have something of a “point system” they have to address when they consider dating. Frankly, very few people do that. They decide what they want and simply hope for it to happen. When it doesn’t, they look around and wonder why. Worse yet, they never even consider what THEY bring to the table to see if it’s even a match for the guys they want to date!

Let’s say that you live in a big city; which considering that you’re involved with Meetup, I’ll bet is true. Big cities create big competition. You have MANY other girls competing for the same “male real estate” that you are. Many of these girls are in shape and may not have kids, are younger and may even be better partners or have better dating/relationship skills than you have.

I’ll be the first to tell you that while this is unfair, it’s simply the way things are. These issues are significant problems for any single woman in the dating market! Your looks, your availability, your skill sets, and even your age are all your “dating currency”. Men look at these things and decide whether or not you’re someone on the playing field or not and whether you’re short-term material or long-term material. Don’t feel too bad however; men have their own “point system” to reach as well.

Knowing (and accepting) this will help you to maximize your ability to market to the “right” guys!

There’s another thing at play here you need to understand:

MOST women today are using the wrong play book when it comes to dating. In fact, they are using the same one their mothers and grandmothers used to be successful. The problem is, it’s a new millennium with new rules. The old techniques simply no longer work anymore. In fact, they work against you and the very symptoms you described are the same ones I see when women use these worn-out tools.

Obviously this is a very large discussion, so let’s go back to basics:

* Your look is one of the most important tools you have in dating. Maximize it! Get in shape and drop the weight. Make sure your hair is “date ready”, and by that I mean, no short haircuts! Style magazines tell you these look good – they don’t. The vast majority of guys want girls that look like girls – not boys. Thus, grow your hair out – and no wacky colors. Check your make-up and wardrobe and update it if you need to. Another problem with being a mom is that you’ve likely not kept up with these things.

* You girls continue to propagate the myths that playing “hard to get” gives you value in men’s eyes. No, it doesn’t. That is a hold-over from a long-gone age! In fact, most guys today don’t even understand this game and simply see it as rude and inept. Are you looking to date only rude guys? Of course not – neither are men. Your availability is extremely important! This is one reason why having kids works so hard against you in the dating world. Likewise, not picking up the phone, not returning phone calls, cancelling dates at the last minute and any of the 1001 other little games some of you girls play kills off modern, potential relationships! You’ve got to be available to the guys you want to date or they’ll simply go find someone that IS available – and smarter. Think about this: my readers understand these facts and usually have 2-3 or more phone numbers they’re working at any one time. If you don’t pick up the phone or return the phone call, guess who gets the date? The next girl in line! Guess who gets the relationship? Yep – same one.

* Don’t try to date via technology! This doesn’t work either! Texting and email (for example) KILLS relationships! Especially if you’re using dating sites, you’ve got to get to that in-person meeting right away! I’m talking days here – NOT weeks and especially, not multiple emails! If the guy can’t/won’t or doesn’t know he should do this, YOU have to move this into in-person immediately! You don’t want him getting impressions of you at a distance that you can never live up to! These form VERY quickly. Don’t let them.

* Don’t try to hold off sex thinking that makes the relationship better – it doesn’t. That is simply artificial manipulation of the relationship that is supposed to be moving forward. I’m not saying to get to it before you’re ready, but don’t hold it off. Men use sex early on very differently from women. Whereas you use it to bond and creating intimacy, men use it to determine if we WANT TO bond and create intimacy with you! Soon however, that window of opportunity closes and we realize we’ll never have that emotional connection with you. We’ll still have sex with you, but you’ll never have access to our hearts.

* Change your “standards”. I’m not saying to date just anyone, but you; like far too many girls in your situation have standards that your own dating currency likely can’t afford. You have too many wants and expectations without the ability to return value. Further, if a guy makes even a small mistake, you’re ready to cut him loose and move on. That’s not good dating strategy. You need to cultivate relationships, not have some perfect, unobtainable one right out of the box.

* Learn how to approach guys yourself and how to set-up dates! Give back to the dating process too! For instance, if you’ve been out with a guy a couple of times, it’s a good idea to invite him over for a meal and some wine or out for something fun. Guys don’t want to have to be the only ones investing – nor do you. Guys will quickly lose interest if they don’t see something coming back. On the other hand, guys will hang in there far longer than they should or otherwise would if they do!

* Clearly separate dating from friendship. Don’t mix the two or throw mixed signals.

* Check your attitude at the door. No guy wants to be around some girl that is judgmental, obnoxious, mean, hateful or angry. We want – and in fact, NEED – to be around women that are sweet, engaged, fun and interesting.

I’ve given you a lot to think about here. These are the basics and everything builds from there.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

The Difference Between Cheating and Sex Addiction

I know another couple whose definition of cheating includes fantasizing and flirting with someone else. They keep each other on a short leash, but it works for them. So, the lesson here is to know your limits including relationship deal breakers and tell your partner because they can’t read your mind. Most people cheat for situational reasons when they are not getting all their needs met at home. They often react to an unhappy relationship and cheating can be a cry for help from someone who feels neglected, undesirable and unloved by their partner. Cheating can be brought on simply by emotional neglect and have nothing to do with sex, on the other hand cheaters often have a mismatched sex drive with their partner. So they seek extramarital sex, but they feel satisfaction after sex unlike an addict who may never feel satisfied. Cheaters can also change when their situation improves at home.

This is an excerpt from The Loveologist Guide to Cheating by De. Ava Cadell. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life. For more information on cheating, see this page.

Dumb Games – and the Girls That Play Them

Doc:

I have a question about girls that play “hard to get”. I know you tell guys (and girls) not to play this game, but I’ve read other articles that say that girls should do this. What’s your take on that?

Thanks!

=====================

Hello!

The “other side” is bullshit. Here’s why:

1) What’s the difference between some girl that plays these games and a girl that is simply not interested in you? Answer: nothing – they seem to be exactly the same. Why would you waste your time on someone that isn’t interested when there are so many great girls out there that are?

2) Playing these “dumb girl games” (“DGG’s”) makes you play your hand and keeps the girl from doing the same. Thus, you have absolutely no idea where she’s coming from.

3) In reality, girls that do this are never of the value they want you to think they are. In fact, the vast majority of men that ever do get with these girls realize they weren’t worth all the effort in the first place! Consider this: a girl can either put all her effort into becoming a great partner for the guy she wants to meet or she can put almost no effort in and play these stupid games. Which girl would you rather be with?

4) Game-players should just carry two signs around their necks:

a) “I don’t know what I’m doing. Feel free to come play me, use me and dump me.”

b) “I’m all-game and nothing more. Please don’t expect too much from me because if I had any real skills or real value, I wouldn’t need these games in the first place!”

5) Ultimately, this is about power – who has it and who reacts to it. Power is the #1 most important thing that women find attractive in men. Powerful men don’t play these games with girls. They decide what they want up front and find women that will give it to them. Seriously: do you think that Brad Pitt or Sean Connery or anyone that already has the power would play these DGG’s?

6) These games were originally forged during a time when dating was very different – as I said, during the time of your grandparents. Gender roles were very different for instance – and so were expectations. Girls today have a real sense of entitlement. They actually think that they deserve men that are in the top 5% of every category when they, themselves aren’t even in the top 50%! They want to “date up”. Men that are willing to play these games, prove that they aren’t in the top 5%. Thus, they lose value and in the vast majority of the cases – the girl too.

7) Frankly, all of this is pretty humiliating! Why would any self-respecting man accept being put through all of this in the first place? Answer: he wouldn’t. Only men that lack self-respect do this. Further, by actually playing the game, you further erode your own self-image because you always wind up feeling like an idiot for getting played!

8) What most of the dumb girls don’t understand about this is that there are actually guys that WILL play these games with them – willingly! The problem is that these guys aren’t into the girls at all. They are into the games. Thus, as soon as they “win”, they bang the girl and then dump her looking for someone else to play them with. These girls get very jaded very quickly and actually begin blaming the guys instead of the game!

9) There are so many BETTER ways to deal with women! This is a loss-leader from the very beginning and just goes down from there.

10) As I said before, this all comes from a time when things were very different. The so-called “experts” in those articles don’t know at all what they’re doing or recommending. They heard it from someone else and simply vomited it back up as their own. Thus, they don’t even know why this stuff doesn’t work and just go around doing damage to those people that actually buy into this ridiculous crap – all without having any real tools to teach.

11) Most guys today don’t know these games, don’t know how to play them and don’t know why doing so is such an end-game. Again, a power and value loss.

12) When a girl starts on this path, how does she ever get off of it? If she just “comes clean” she seems like she was lying about things all along – and then becomes a girl you can’t trust anyway. If she never lets on, you’ll lose interest pretty damn quickly. Why would you continue to take this sort of rude beating over and over again when there so many smarter – and frankly, much, much better – girls out there? Answer: you won’t.

Do I need to go on?

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.