How Do I Start Dating?

Doc, you gotta help me!

I’m a 19 year old male, single and I haven’t dated much. I’ve only been in one relationship and am now looking for a woman to be with and I just don’t know where to look or even how to approach someone. My female cousins say to go to the movies, the mall, etc. but that doesn’t tell me how to find someone, approach them and ask them for a date!

Where do I go from here?

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Hello!

Let’s start here: learning to find and approach women isn’t some magic trick. It’s just a skill like any other skill you learn. The problem is that you have to learn it! Very, very few guys actually take the time to learn how it’s done and thus, spend years of their lives failing and eventually settling with only what they have dropped in their laps.

In fact, so many guys actually write to me asking for that very thing – how to get women to fall into their laps, do all their work for them, etc., etc., that it’s no longer funny!

Here’s the reality: just like animals we have our own mating and dating rituals. You want to learn how these work and then know where you can bend or break those rules to your advantage. If that seems calculated, in fact it is!

Here’s a summary of the basic skills you need:

1) How and where to find women that match you well, and knowing how to figure out which ones those are.

2) Knowing how to begin the set-up

3) How to perform the initial approach

4) How to create initial interest

5) How to get a conversation going

6) How to build rapport and connection (absolutely critical because this leads directly to attraction)

7) How to illicit the sorts of responses you want based on what you want to accomplish. Specifically, there are only 3 goals in the approach: digits, and impromptu date or sex.

8) Knowing how to close for your specific goal

9) How to move things forward after the initial meeting

10) How to set up the first date

11) How to build even more rapport and connection on the date

12) How to “convert”: dates to sex, sex to relationships, relationships into stronger relationships

…etc….

There are other steps in between and after these as well!

That may seem like a lot to learn, but in fact, it’s not. It’s all part of a system you already have built right into you! What you don’t yet know are the ways to bring those things out and manage them to reach your goals. This includes things like confidence, sense of humor, expressing power, etc.

The bad news is that I can’t possibly teach you all these things via these messages. The great news however is that I don’t have to. All of this is outlined very clearly in my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II”. Think of these tools as your textbooks into this game; how to play it and more important, how to win it.

This is why you get non-answers from your cousins by the way! They tell you things like “go to the mall” because they sincerely want to help, but just don’t know how. Interestingly, women don’t know how to approach other women! They don’t have to do this, they don’t learn the skills and they don’t have those natural hunter-instincts built into them. They have very different ones however and you want to learn these as well since you’ll be dealing with all of those as you learn your side of it.

Bottom line is this: just like you need to study the craft you plan to do as your career, you need to study this craft as well. The great news however is that once you learn these things, those skills will be with you the rest of your life. Now just where do you think you’re going to spend the majority of your quality time – working behind a desk or at some job that gets repetitive and boring or in the arms of some girl that you love and that loves you because you know just how to be everything she ever wanted?

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Making a Move?

Dr. Neder,

My good friend has asked you a few questions and spoke very highly of the advice you’ve given him and the results he’s received. I’ll take his word for it, and try to keep this brief, but I do want to give you the some background.

I’m 23 and have a good degree and career. Two weeks ago, I went on a first date with a young woman. We live about an hour away. I have known her and her family for 6 years – she is the younger sister of my best friend; also a girl. In fact, I’ve spent many weekends with their family, was in my best friend’s wedding party, and adore the parents. I think the feelings on that are all mutual.

My date, who is 21, was dumped by her long-time boyfriend six months ago. Before the date, I was warned by that “…she still has some feelings leftover from that.” It became clear on the date that she was still hurting over it. I was getting mixed body language from her about “making a move” and decided that no one has ever been pepper sprayed for trying to hold hands – and so I went for it. She got a little uncomfortable, pulled her hand away, and we kept on chatting.

The next morning, my date called her sister and told her how wonderful of a time she’d had with me, but felt uncomfortable that I’d “made a move” and didn’t know what to do. Knowing me as well as she does, my friend told her to talk to me about this, and assured her that I’d  understand, and would really appreciate the openness of communication. She told me she DID want to keep spending time with me, on the condition that I understood she’s in a “romantically anxious place right now,” and that this isn’t going anywhere “right at this very moment.” I assured her we were on the same page, that I too wanted to continue ‘getting to know her,’ and that – unless she gave me a painfully obvious “HOLD MY HAND, DUMMY” sign, I’d keep my hands to myself.

Since then, we’ve communicated almost every day. While this is great, our communication has been exclusively electronic. We’ve only talked on the phone once, which was when I called to tell her I was heading over to pick her up. I’ve tried calling her in the past and she’ll respond to a voicemail with a text. We text, we talk on AIM, we talk on Facebook. She’s forcing some distance – but she’s told me why. For the time being I’m trying to swim WITH the tide, rather than against it.

So, here are my questions.

1: I’m going to be in her town next weekend. How far in advance should I let her know I’ll be there? I don’t want to seem like I’m planning my trips around her.

2: What should we do? Our first date was dinner and drinks at her favorite bar. Since this one is an “un-date” should I do something that won’t FEEL like a date, or is that not a bad thing? Should I propose something in the afternoon? Lunch and butt sex, perhaps? (Oh wait… that’s what I’m NOT supposed to say to her. Right.)

3: I’m desperately afraid I’m going to wind up in the friend zone with her. How do I toe the line between “just being friends for now” and “just being friends forever?”

4: Is it wise to swim with the tide, and not push the ‘phone call’ thing?

Thank you for the wonderful service you provide here on All Experts. I greatly look forward to the sage advice my friend speaks so highly of.

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Hello!

Your friend spoke “highly” of the advice he received here? Hmmm…maybe he didn’t understand it then!  ;)

Now, wait just a damn minute here. Holding hands is “making a move”??? Seriously? Come on here, what are you two, 12-years old? Holding hands isn’t much of a “move” at all! In fact, kissing isn’t a “move” either! These are very simple, minor-as-hell things that people who are enjoying each other’s company do. Let’s keep things in perspective here!

If she’s uncomfortable about this, how uncomfortable do you think she’d be about sex; let alone a relationship? If you give this any credibility whatsoever, you’re simply reinforcing this ridiculous issue! Don’t do that – treat it as the non-issue that it is!

Now, let’s deal with this “romantically anxious place” crap. So what? She’s still having problems with an ex-boyfriend 6 months ago? Seriously – SIX MONTHS AGO??? Further, why in the hell are you expected to be this girl’s therapist? Why all the pressure on you to walk on egg shells here – and none on this girl to grow the fuck up already?? You are both ADULTS here! You’re not children. If she thinks she is, she is NOT ready to be in ANY relationship – not even the one that broke up 1/2 a year ago!!!

You are giving all of this far too much credence and therefore, creating a problem rather than expecting everyone to start acting like adults already. What’s going to happen next, are you and your friend going to make a pinky-swear that you won’t try to hold hands with this girl ever again??? Come on already!

STOP being “Mr. Sensitive” here and start being the man in this situation! Do you think this girl (or ANY girl) will ever feel safe and secure with you if you actually put up with this ridiculous child’s game? Answer: absolutely not! They’ll go find some guy like me that knows better and will dump your ass for being so dumb. Don’t be dumb!

Whew! That felt better…on to your questions:

1) Give her 3-4 days notice. No more than that.

2) DO NOT go on an “un-date”! DO NOT go hang out with this girl! If she’s now going to be your buddy, she’ll never be anything else to you. Don’t waste your time, money or resources on that. Lunch and butt sex would be FAR better than this! Instead, if she has psychological issues, tell her to go get some counseling, but to grow the hell up before you get there – and go on a REAL date one of the nights you’re there. That means you’re going to hold her damn hand and kiss her like real adults on a real date. If she can’t handle that, don’t waste your time with her – give her another 20 years to grow up!

3) You’re already there! This needs to be how you’re going to get out of it, not being afraid you’ll wind up there! You can’t be friends now and something else in the future. If you really get into that situation, it’s game over.

4) Look. I’ve spent a lot of quality time in your state. I’ve done hunting seminars and taking packs of guys out to meet some incredible girls. You guys are no different there than we are over here on the “left coast”. YOU on the other hand want to think somehow you are!

There’s no “swimming with the tide” going on here – this is all about YOU swimming up-stream!

Dating and building a relationship – even a potential one – is your job, not hers. If you don’t know how adults date or what your roll should be or any of 1001 other important points that would make you think any of this is ok, then I strongly encourage you to read my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II” and learn how things REALLY work.

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Orgasm Barriers, the G Spot, and Female Ejaculation

An orgasm is one of the most pleasurable experiences a person can have. People are generally capable of reaching orgasms unless they are suffering from medical or emotional problems.There are several different road blocks which can prevent a person from having an orgasm. These include guilt, shame, feelings of inadequacy, a lack of trust and a lack of education. However, most people are able to achieve positive results after some counseling and the prescription of customized strategies.

CONFESSION: After years of hearing other women wax orgasmically about their G-spots, Rhoda started feeling inferior. Not only could she not locate her own G-spot, she began to doubt she even had one.

CONSEQUENCES: Two serious consequences of this problem were related to her self-esteem and self-pleasuring. Psychologically, for any woman to think “there is something wrong” with her or that she was in any way less optimum than other women can haves erious consequences, particularly as it relates to her sexuality. Equally serious was the frustration of Rhoda not being able to please herself and to not experience the positive pleasure of her own body.

STRATEGY: I showed Rhoda diagrams of the Grafenberg Spot, discovered by Ernest Grafenberg in the 1940’s, a German gynecologist renowned for his research on erotic pleasure of the urethra. I further described the G-spot as a dime-sized rough area located in the front wall of the vagina about two inches inside, on the upper wall of the vagina. I told Rhoda that although every woman had a urethral sponge, only a small percentage of them were able to have G-Spot orgasms. Her face lit up when I continued to explain that G-spot orgasms were deeper, longer and often more satisfying than clitoral ones.

SOLUTION: I gave Rhoda a G-spot vibrator, bent at the end into a curve that allowed for easier access to the G-spot area. I suggested she empty her bladder prior to using it because many women feel the need to urinate during stimulation. She agreed to use the G-spot vibrator to pleasure herself during masturbation, much as she would use a regular vibrator, and to spend many hours at a time pleasing herself in this manner. She was surprised by the intensity of her orgasms and even more amazed when she realized that she ejaculated from her vagina. I assured her that female ejaculation from G-spot stimulation (a clear, odorless fluid from the urethra) was very common.

BENEFITS: The benefits of this strategy were many; first, it allowed for the increased physical pleasuring of Rhoda, and secondly, it gave her the control over her own body. Thirdly, it removed any self-doubt about the normalcy of her sexual machinery, which removed self-esteem obstacles and most importantly she would be able to communicate her sexual needs to a partner and educate him/her on the location of her G-spot.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.

Sex and Aging: Is It Normal To have Difficulty Maintaining Erections in Your 70s?

CONFESSION: While plenty of couples in their seventies would give their false teeth to have even the once a week sexual fling that the 79 year-old Anthony was enjoying with his 70 year-old wife Marla, Anthony was becoming concerned because he was occasionally losing his erection during sex.

CONSEQUENCE: Anthony was putting too much pressure on himself about performing. He felt bad about losing his erection and guilty for not making love to Marla.

STRATEGY: Anthony needed to understand that it was natural to lose a degree of his sexual ability in the advanced years. They both needed to learn alternative activities to maintain an active sex life as well as some new techniques to help keep Anthony’s erection.

SOLUTION: First I asked Anthony if he had recently had a full physical check up by a physician and a urologist. He said that he had and was in good physical shape for his age and that there was nothing wrong with his penis. I asked them if he had ever used anykind of apparatus that could help produce and maintain an erection, such as penis rings, vacuum pump devices or creams that desensitized the penis. He shook his head and said that the rubber penis ring looked interesting. I explained to both of them that the penis ring needed to be placed around the base of the penis to help maintain an erection. It was designed for men who were unable to sustain their erection during intercourse. The ring helped to trap the blood in the penis, thereby keeping it erect longer. I emphasized, however, that there was no sure fire cure in reversing the aging process, and in the interest of providing Anthony and Marla with continuing sexual satisfaction, suggested they spend extra time on foreplay. I gave them a video showing sensual massage techniques and told them to go home and practice.

BENEFITS: They would be able to maintain sexual activity, learn new techniques to add spice to their love life and learn to accept any physical irregularities.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.

Help … My Husband Wants me to Shave

CONFESSION: When Angel reached puberty, the emergence of her pubic hair had made her feel like a grown woman. Years later, when her husband began bringing home magazines featuring models with shaved vaginas, Angel sensed it would only be a matter of time before her husband asked her to whip out the razor. Sure enough, one day he did exactly that and, while she wanted to make her husband happy, she had trouble with the idea of her vagina looking like that of a Barbie Doll.

CONSEQUENCE: The consequence for indulging her husband’s whim was not devastating as she already knew how common the practice was. Angel felt “uncomfortable” but not angry. My questions to her were; “What makes you feel uncomfortable?” and “How might you feel better about what your husband wants?” (without resenting him, of course).

STRATEGY: I would determine the depth of Angel’s objections towards shaving off her pubic hair, and then educate her as to the advantages of a shaved vagina.

SOLUTION: Angel confided that she couldn’t think of any serious reason not to shave her pubis. She had never done it before and was not so old as to forget that her pubic hair had represented womanhood in her adolescence. I pointed out that the origins of a hairless pubis were hygienic. It was an aesthetic issue too, and many women preferred their male counterparts to have hairless crotches. The removal of pubic hair often eliminated odor, as sweat may make it odiferous. This may lead to a circumstance which is detrimental to oral sex.To impress upon her husband how “special” it was to “give her hair” to him, Angel was to let him do most of the shaving himself, and then to orally pleasure her.

They put her pubic hair in a locket which he kept attached to the chain on his pocket watch. Angel experienced some minor drawbacks to indulging her husband’s fantasy, such as temporary skin outbreaks and coarse hair, but she actually came to like shaving, and kept her pubis trimmed very short.

BENEFITS: The benefit was hygienic and added novelty to their sex life.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — Loveology University Bookstore

Controlling a Sexual Fetish

CONFESSION: If Fabio were in the same room with Melanie, he might not get out alive.  A fanatical worshipper of men with long hair, Melanie thirsted to run her fingers through the Samson-like tresses of any hot stud she came upon, regardless of where they were. Quite often Melanie was overcome with the urge to carry out her compulsion with a long-haired stranger in a public place in order to make her fantasy come true. Melanie worried that this fetish of hers might be truly out of control.

CONSEQUENCE: The impulsiveness inherent within the carrying out of her fetish could be a problem.

STRATEGY: Melanie needed to practice self-control and to use her fetish as a mechanism of self-reward.

SOLUTION: I had Melanie compile a list of things she liked to do. If she did them all, there would be no time in the day for work or chores. Did she do the work or the chores first and would she indulge the “wants” selectively? She stated she would start with the work. Then she needed to do the same thing with her hair fetish. Once she had completed her obligations on any day, she was allowed to permit herself the indulgence of ravishing a man’s hair. She should also look towards gratifying her fetish by dating men with long hair.

BENEFITS: Melanie gained a measure of control over her compulsion and learned the appropriate places and times to carry out her fantasy.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Why Won’t My Wife Try a Little S & M?

CONFESSION: Don was certain that his wife would be as turned on as he was by the idea of indulging in kinky sex play which might spice up their predictable love life. In his opinion, a few adult toys, whips, chains and other restraints might be the perfect antidote to the drudgery their sex had become.Nancy agreed that a change in their sexual activities was necessary, but Don’s suggestion that they use these instruments of torture to bring each other pleasure so offended her, she axed their sex life completely!

CONSEQUENCE: The breakdown of the sexual component to their marriage might have driven Don away and possibly destroy their union unless they discussed their needs, desires and fears.

STRATEGY: Don was too direct in representing what he desired. He needed to introduce light, playful forms of bondage and discipline into their lovemaking and let more serious role-playing follow naturally.

SOLUTION: Don asked his wife if there were something she wanted to do sexually that he’d not previously done. He set the example for her by suggesting he was too selfish a lover. She stated that she wanted more attention; that their lovemaking had become stale and routine. Don made sure to stimulate her with plenty of foreplay, then changed their standard missionary position to one of entering her from the side. Once they were both in the heat of passion, Don began to gently and lovingly restrain her hands and arms. She responded in a positive manner and her immobility resulted in a strong orgasm. Later, when they discussed what had happened, Nancy admitted she liked being restrained while making love. The couple settled on light forms of bondage and discipline, without any chains or restraints, as a safer form of sadomasochistic behavior.

BENEFITS: We restored playfulness to their sexual life, allowing for further communication. If his wife achieved sexual satisfaction from being lightly dominated, Don’s fantasy would eventually come to fruition and he would be more fulfilled.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Dangerous Sexual Turn-Ons: Shana’s Story

CONFESSION: At the rate Shana was going, her next orgasm might very well be her last. What had begun as an erotic need to be roughed up and verbally abused had escalated into dangerous experiments with auto asphyxiation. While in a bar one night, Shana provoked a fight with a man and had an incredible orgasm when he tried to strangle her. Now Shana found it impossible to climax unless severe violence was being inflicted upon her.

CONSEQUENCE: At the hands of the wrong man, her behavior might have led to being badly beaten and hospitalized or even worse. Auto – asphyxiation can be fatal and should be avoided. Even though she derived orgasmic pleasure from its effects, the fact that the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain is compromised, especially during sexual release, indulging in this behavior might mean death.

STRATEGY: Shana needed a professional environment in which to realize her fantasies and would benefit from associations with responsible adults who shared her fantasies. She needed to find out why she wanted to be punished and I wanted to know if she could achieve orgasm through masturbation. She had to be persuaded to direct her energies towards carefully chosen, not random partners and not to experiment with auto – asphyxiation.

SOLUTION: I impressed upon Shana the serious consequences of her behavior and she agreed to stop pursuing strangulation games. Apparently, she had no problem reaching an orgasm through masturbation. She did, however, fantasize about being whipped and punished. She confessed that, when she was young, she would misbehave just so her parents would spank her, as she found the punishment very pleasurable. Now that she was all grown up, she continued to seek punishment anywhere she could find it. Shana decided to attend a domination parlor where she met Carlton, a psychologist who was doing research on S & M. His interests complimented hers and together, they created a safe role-playing environment where Shana could get roughed up professionally and safely. As her one and only master, Carlton ordered her never to use strangulation games again and never to play with strangers.

BENEFITS: She would live longer without sacrificing her sexual desires and lower her risk of meeting “Mr. Wrong.”

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Conversation with a Loveologist: Why Am I Having Homosexual Fantasies?

CONFESSION: In the light of day, the thought of embracing another hairy, sweaty guy, or giving sexual pleasure to one was the last thing that Hakeem found at all stimulating. Other men just were not attractive to him! Give Hakeem a beautiful, soft, female body anytime, to get his passion juices flowing! Why then, he queried, did he have these recurring erotic fantasies involving members of his own gender, and how could he make these dreams stop?

CONSEQUENCE: Hakeem doubted his own masculinity and was troubled because of a certain ignorance about the nature and function of fanta-ies.

STRATEGY: To get Hakeem to learn to accept the differences between fantasy and reality. If what he said about finding men unattractive was true, then he would not respond favorably to the reality.

SOLUTION: I asked Hakeem what his homosexual fantasies were about. When he told me, I supplied him with some adult videos that featured that fantasy. He did not find them a turn on at all. After he saw them, his fantasies took a different tone. Hakeem’s fantasies were about things unknown to him. Any actualization removed the fantasy thrill.

BENEFITS: By voyeuristically confronting him with his fantasies, Hakeem might confront his own true feelings.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Sex as a Form of Control in Marriage

CONFESSION: Sidney’s wife was doling out sex only upon “payment” received. This extortion came in the form of added household chores or an extra measure of spending allowance.While Sidney deeply resented his wife’s tactics, and thought the quality and the quantity of the sex incommensurate to what he was “paying”, he didn’t want to lose her. Her behavior had begun to seriously threaten their marriage.

CONSEQUENCE: If Sidney remained resentful, he would eventually leave his wife or find another partner.

STRATEGY: I needed to meet with both of them to ascertain if it might be possible to save the relationship. Sidney had to promise not to
hold grudges outside of the bedroom and she had to make love with him, no strings attached.

SOLUTION: Sex is not an appropriate means for reward and punishment, yet many people consider it so. Sidney’s wife was manipulative and was trying to gain concessions by withholding sex. Negotiation in marriage is fair, but must be done conscientiously. Sidney felt his wife’s non-sexual demands were out of line with the amount of sex he was getting. His wife admitted she really didn’t like sex at all, neither with her husband nor anyone else, but when he was “good” to her, she could “grin and bear it”. Ultimately, she was unwilling to change her attitude or her behavior and Sidney eventually left her.

BENEFITS: The communicative channels might have been improved, and a line of fair negotiation and compromise reached. It might have, thereafter, been possible to restore their relationship.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward