How Texting Killed the Dating Beast

Dr. Neder,

I’m 35 and started dating after a year-long hiatus earlier this year.  I’ve gone out with a couple of guys so far, all of them younger.  I’ve noticed that they LOVE texting, but rarely ask me out.

The latest guy is 29, and we went on our first date last Friday.  We had a great time (mini golf and dinner – and he was funny and sweet).  Since then we have not talked, but we text almost every day.  It’s usually stuff like “Have a great day,” or “how’s it going?”  We’ve also had some conversations via text (like “what is on your bucket list?”).  He works in phone sales, and says he isn’t big on talking on the phone.  That is fine, but I am old fashioned and like to get to know someone in person.

How do I get him to go out on date #2 with me?  Should I just ask him?  How do I do it?  What should I say the next time he texts?  I might need to date older men, but I’ve heard from my friends, that they are just as fond of texting as the young ones!

Frustrating!  Help!

======================

Hello!

There’s nothing “old fashioned” about not wanting to hold your dates via text. In fact, texting KILLS OFF relationships! I see it literally every single day. If you want things to die a slow, painful death between you and this (or any) guy, just keep up the texting. You’ll see what I mean very shortly.

Here’s the problem:

1) Texting is lazy. It takes absolutely no effort to create a 140-character message to someone.

2) Second, it’s way, way too safe. You take absolutely no risks by texting.

3) It has no particular connotation and thus, you get to “play date” with it while nobody exposes their hands.

4) While not exposing your hand, you’re also not moving anything anywhere!

5) Relationships are based on emotional connection. Texting strips away any emotional context and just keeps things on a fact-basis. Thus, instead of connection and getting closer, the opposite happens.

6) Its artificial and your subconscious mind knows it. Thus, you begin to develop a sense of everything about him being artificial. I’ve seen people treat others in ways that they’d never imagine themselves doing! After all, this isn’t a “real person” anyway!

..and on and on and on…

You’ve got to get off this texting thing! If this guy doesn’t know any better (and trust me, he doesn’t!) you’ve got to “help” him. Do that by telling him that you no longer want to communicate via texts. If he’s going to be 10 minutes late, that’s one thing. If he’s going to try to set up a date or express his feelings to you that’s entirely another.

You can certainly ask him out yourself – as long as you don’t do it via texts. It’s ok that he doesn’t want to talk on the phone. That helps to keep things short and to the point. You can call him and just say, “Ok, it’s time we get off the mobile network and back into real life. I’m available on Saturday…”

Frankly, you’re right! If he’s so caught up in technology and can’t connect in real life on a solid, emotional plane, he’s not old enough for you!

Hold your dates in person – not via technology!

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

How to Date – Back to Basics

Hey Dr. Dennis – Hi and thank you for your help!

I am single and I have been for 2 years. I’m a 30-year old woman with 2 part-time kids. I am attractive (though somewhat overweight), intelligent and I like to think I’m good company.

Recently, I have had some pretty bad luck in re-entering the dating scene. I’ve been stood up a couple of times, met a man who did nothing but play games with me, met another man who just took off and stopped talking to me, met another man who fell in love with me way too fast and I just want to be friends with, have had many, many emails messages through a singles site that are ignored or they will just stop talking to me with no explanation or reason, and I even joined a few Meetup groups (Meetup.com) in the area and have been putting myself out there but I just can’t seem to meet anyone who is genuine and good. In fact mostly what I’ve encountered is very negative and discouraging.

I’m also not very good at reading people so that makes things a little more difficult, and I’m not the most social person.

I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with me, or if this is typical of the dating game. I’m very saddened by everything that has transpired and I’m discouraged and distraught. I’m wonder if you have any insight on this, any tips I could try, etc., I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you!

Hello!

It seems that the single common denominator in all of this is you. Yes, I can tell you very likely what the problem is since the symptomatology is so clear and specific.

First of all, let’s do a little inventory, shall we? This is a little painful, but trust me, it’s very important so that we have a place to start.

You have two kids and you’re a single mother. You’re overweight and I’m going to bet you’ve met at least some of these guys (if not most of them) on the internet. You’re probably also using some VERY outdated dating methodologies (I’ll get more into this in a minute), and there are probably a bunch of other things going on here I don’t yet know. I’ll bet you also have some pretty high – and maybe somewhat unreasonable – expectations for the men you date.

Here’s the reality: both men and women have something of a “point system” they have to address when they consider dating. Frankly, very few people do that. They decide what they want and simply hope for it to happen. When it doesn’t, they look around and wonder why. Worse yet, they never even consider what THEY bring to the table to see if it’s even a match for the guys they want to date!

Let’s say that you live in a big city; which considering that you’re involved with Meetup, I’ll bet is true. Big cities create big competition. You have MANY other girls competing for the same “male real estate” that you are. Many of these girls are in shape and may not have kids, are younger and may even be better partners or have better dating/relationship skills than you have.

I’ll be the first to tell you that while this is unfair, it’s simply the way things are. These issues are significant problems for any single woman in the dating market! Your looks, your availability, your skill sets, and even your age are all your “dating currency”. Men look at these things and decide whether or not you’re someone on the playing field or not and whether you’re short-term material or long-term material. Don’t feel too bad however; men have their own “point system” to reach as well.

Knowing (and accepting) this will help you to maximize your ability to market to the “right” guys!

There’s another thing at play here you need to understand:

MOST women today are using the wrong play book when it comes to dating. In fact, they are using the same one their mothers and grandmothers used to be successful. The problem is, it’s a new millennium with new rules. The old techniques simply no longer work anymore. In fact, they work against you and the very symptoms you described are the same ones I see when women use these worn-out tools.

Obviously this is a very large discussion, so let’s go back to basics:

* Your look is one of the most important tools you have in dating. Maximize it! Get in shape and drop the weight. Make sure your hair is “date ready”, and by that I mean, no short haircuts! Style magazines tell you these look good – they don’t. The vast majority of guys want girls that look like girls – not boys. Thus, grow your hair out – and no wacky colors. Check your make-up and wardrobe and update it if you need to. Another problem with being a mom is that you’ve likely not kept up with these things.

* You girls continue to propagate the myths that playing “hard to get” gives you value in men’s eyes. No, it doesn’t. That is a hold-over from a long-gone age! In fact, most guys today don’t even understand this game and simply see it as rude and inept. Are you looking to date only rude guys? Of course not – neither are men. Your availability is extremely important! This is one reason why having kids works so hard against you in the dating world. Likewise, not picking up the phone, not returning phone calls, cancelling dates at the last minute and any of the 1001 other little games some of you girls play kills off modern, potential relationships! You’ve got to be available to the guys you want to date or they’ll simply go find someone that IS available – and smarter. Think about this: my readers understand these facts and usually have 2-3 or more phone numbers they’re working at any one time. If you don’t pick up the phone or return the phone call, guess who gets the date? The next girl in line! Guess who gets the relationship? Yep – same one.

* Don’t try to date via technology! This doesn’t work either! Texting and email (for example) KILLS relationships! Especially if you’re using dating sites, you’ve got to get to that in-person meeting right away! I’m talking days here – NOT weeks and especially, not multiple emails! If the guy can’t/won’t or doesn’t know he should do this, YOU have to move this into in-person immediately! You don’t want him getting impressions of you at a distance that you can never live up to! These form VERY quickly. Don’t let them.

* Don’t try to hold off sex thinking that makes the relationship better – it doesn’t. That is simply artificial manipulation of the relationship that is supposed to be moving forward. I’m not saying to get to it before you’re ready, but don’t hold it off. Men use sex early on very differently from women. Whereas you use it to bond and creating intimacy, men use it to determine if we WANT TO bond and create intimacy with you! Soon however, that window of opportunity closes and we realize we’ll never have that emotional connection with you. We’ll still have sex with you, but you’ll never have access to our hearts.

* Change your “standards”. I’m not saying to date just anyone, but you; like far too many girls in your situation have standards that your own dating currency likely can’t afford. You have too many wants and expectations without the ability to return value. Further, if a guy makes even a small mistake, you’re ready to cut him loose and move on. That’s not good dating strategy. You need to cultivate relationships, not have some perfect, unobtainable one right out of the box.

* Learn how to approach guys yourself and how to set-up dates! Give back to the dating process too! For instance, if you’ve been out with a guy a couple of times, it’s a good idea to invite him over for a meal and some wine or out for something fun. Guys don’t want to have to be the only ones investing – nor do you. Guys will quickly lose interest if they don’t see something coming back. On the other hand, guys will hang in there far longer than they should or otherwise would if they do!

* Clearly separate dating from friendship. Don’t mix the two or throw mixed signals.

* Check your attitude at the door. No guy wants to be around some girl that is judgmental, obnoxious, mean, hateful or angry. We want – and in fact, NEED – to be around women that are sweet, engaged, fun and interesting.

I’ve given you a lot to think about here. These are the basics and everything builds from there.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

The Difference Between Cheating and Sex Addiction

I know another couple whose definition of cheating includes fantasizing and flirting with someone else. They keep each other on a short leash, but it works for them. So, the lesson here is to know your limits including relationship deal breakers and tell your partner because they can’t read your mind. Most people cheat for situational reasons when they are not getting all their needs met at home. They often react to an unhappy relationship and cheating can be a cry for help from someone who feels neglected, undesirable and unloved by their partner. Cheating can be brought on simply by emotional neglect and have nothing to do with sex, on the other hand cheaters often have a mismatched sex drive with their partner. So they seek extramarital sex, but they feel satisfaction after sex unlike an addict who may never feel satisfied. Cheaters can also change when their situation improves at home.

This is an excerpt from The Loveologist Guide to Cheating by De. Ava Cadell. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life. For more information on cheating, see this page.

Dumb Games – and the Girls That Play Them

Doc:

I have a question about girls that play “hard to get”. I know you tell guys (and girls) not to play this game, but I’ve read other articles that say that girls should do this. What’s your take on that?

Thanks!

=====================

Hello!

The “other side” is bullshit. Here’s why:

1) What’s the difference between some girl that plays these games and a girl that is simply not interested in you? Answer: nothing – they seem to be exactly the same. Why would you waste your time on someone that isn’t interested when there are so many great girls out there that are?

2) Playing these “dumb girl games” (“DGG’s”) makes you play your hand and keeps the girl from doing the same. Thus, you have absolutely no idea where she’s coming from.

3) In reality, girls that do this are never of the value they want you to think they are. In fact, the vast majority of men that ever do get with these girls realize they weren’t worth all the effort in the first place! Consider this: a girl can either put all her effort into becoming a great partner for the guy she wants to meet or she can put almost no effort in and play these stupid games. Which girl would you rather be with?

4) Game-players should just carry two signs around their necks:

a) “I don’t know what I’m doing. Feel free to come play me, use me and dump me.”

b) “I’m all-game and nothing more. Please don’t expect too much from me because if I had any real skills or real value, I wouldn’t need these games in the first place!”

5) Ultimately, this is about power – who has it and who reacts to it. Power is the #1 most important thing that women find attractive in men. Powerful men don’t play these games with girls. They decide what they want up front and find women that will give it to them. Seriously: do you think that Brad Pitt or Sean Connery or anyone that already has the power would play these DGG’s?

6) These games were originally forged during a time when dating was very different – as I said, during the time of your grandparents. Gender roles were very different for instance – and so were expectations. Girls today have a real sense of entitlement. They actually think that they deserve men that are in the top 5% of every category when they, themselves aren’t even in the top 50%! They want to “date up”. Men that are willing to play these games, prove that they aren’t in the top 5%. Thus, they lose value and in the vast majority of the cases – the girl too.

7) Frankly, all of this is pretty humiliating! Why would any self-respecting man accept being put through all of this in the first place? Answer: he wouldn’t. Only men that lack self-respect do this. Further, by actually playing the game, you further erode your own self-image because you always wind up feeling like an idiot for getting played!

8) What most of the dumb girls don’t understand about this is that there are actually guys that WILL play these games with them – willingly! The problem is that these guys aren’t into the girls at all. They are into the games. Thus, as soon as they “win”, they bang the girl and then dump her looking for someone else to play them with. These girls get very jaded very quickly and actually begin blaming the guys instead of the game!

9) There are so many BETTER ways to deal with women! This is a loss-leader from the very beginning and just goes down from there.

10) As I said before, this all comes from a time when things were very different. The so-called “experts” in those articles don’t know at all what they’re doing or recommending. They heard it from someone else and simply vomited it back up as their own. Thus, they don’t even know why this stuff doesn’t work and just go around doing damage to those people that actually buy into this ridiculous crap – all without having any real tools to teach.

11) Most guys today don’t know these games, don’t know how to play them and don’t know why doing so is such an end-game. Again, a power and value loss.

12) When a girl starts on this path, how does she ever get off of it? If she just “comes clean” she seems like she was lying about things all along – and then becomes a girl you can’t trust anyway. If she never lets on, you’ll lose interest pretty damn quickly. Why would you continue to take this sort of rude beating over and over again when there so many smarter – and frankly, much, much better – girls out there? Answer: you won’t.

Do I need to go on?

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

“Mentally Managing” Wife’s Celibacy

Dr. Neder:

How can I mentally-manage my wife’s choice of celibacy?

==============================

Hello!

I don’t know what you mean by “mentally manage celibacy”, but frankly, that’s not the issue at all anyway!

Your wife doesn’t have the right to be celibate! If she wanted celibacy, she should have never married you!

If she needs celibacy for some medical reason (and it’s temporary) that’s one thing – and frankly, so rare that I’m not going to deal with it in this message. On any other hand, read on…

When you took your vows during your wedding, you likely promised to “…forsake all others…” In other words; you promised that you wouldn’t have sex with anyone else. The problem with that promise is that it’s based on an assumption; another “vow” as it were: that your partner would be making sure you had the sex you needed in order to maintain the level of relationship-promise a marriage requires.

You see, this is a vow just as much as forsaking all others is a vow.

If your wife is now choosing celibacy – and the reason (other than as I’ve already stated) is totally irrelevant – then you no longer have the responsibility to live by YOUR vows either! Thus, you SHOULD NOT “mentally manage” this! In fact, you should be one damn, pissed-off guy! You’re being “cheated on” by your wife!

As I’ve already stated, your wife does not have the right to make the decision for you or your marriage. If she’s having libido problems then:

1) Get her checked out by a doctor to determine why that’s happening. If it’s a medical issue, the doctor can help her and your problem is; for all intents, solved.

2) If not medical, she needs to seek some emotional counseling to determine if her libido problems are mental/emotional instead. If so, the doctor can again help her here.

3) If neither of these things, then this is a choice – and one she has no right to make. Likewise, you can’t demand sex from her, but you can do this instead:

Explain to her that she has a responsibility (a “promise”) to you and your marriage. If she’s unwilling to uphold her responsibility, then she is giving you clear and specific permission to get your sexual needs met outside the marriage.

Further, she needs to understand that if; by finding this new sexual partner, you also fall in love with that person, this sham-marriage will be over and she’ll have to accept that fact knowing that she created it.

Don’t “mentally manage” something so ridiculous as celibacy. You have rights here too if only you’ll stand up for them.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Dr. Neder:
How can I mentally-manage my wife’s choice of celibacy?
==============================
Hello!
I don’t know what you mean by “mentally manage celibacy”, but frankly, that’s not the issue at all anyway!
Your wife doesn’t have the right to be celibate! If she wanted celibacy, she should have never married you!
If she needs celibacy for some medical reason (and it’s temporary) that’s one thing – and frankly, so rare that I’m not going to deal with it in this message. On any other hand, read on…
When you took your vows during your wedding, you likely promised to “…forsake all others…” In other words; you promised that you wouldn’t have sex with anyone else. The problem with that promise is that it’s based on an assumption; another “vow” as it were: that your partner would be making sure you had the sex you needed in order to maintain the level of relationship-promise a marriage requires.
You see, this is a vow just as much as forsaking all others is a vow.
If your wife is now choosing celibacy – and the reason (other than as I’ve already stated) is totally irrelevant – then you no longer have the responsibility to live by YOUR vows either! Thus, you SHOULD NOT “mentally manage” this! In fact, you should be one damn, pissed-off guy! You’re being “cheated on” by your wife!
As I’ve already stated, your wife does not have the right to make the decision for you or your marriage. If she’s having libido problems then:
1) Get her checked out by a doctor to determine why that’s happening. If it’s a medical issue, the doctor can help her and your problem is; for all intents, solved.
2) If not medical, she needs to seek some emotional counseling to determine if her libido problems are mental/emotional instead. If so, the doctor can again help her here.
3) If neither of these things, then this is a choice – and one she has no right to make. Likewise, you can’t demand sex from her, but you can do this instead:
Explain to her that she has a responsibility (a “promise”) to you and your marriage. If she’s unwilling to uphold her responsibility, then she is giving you clear and specific permission to get your sexual needs met outside the marriage.
Further, she needs to understand that if; by finding this new sexual partner, you also fall in love with that person, this sham-marriage will be over and she’ll have to accept that fact knowing that she created it.
Don’t “mentally manage” something so ridiculous as celibacy. You have rights here too if only you’ll stand up for them.
Best regards…——————————————————————Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.

A Sexual Situation

Hello Dr. Dennis,

I’ve been dating this girl and to me it seems that she doesn’t value herself enough. She does/says things that in my opinion, only a hoe, or a girl becoming one would do/say. She likes talking about sex, gets bothered if we don’t, has said that it’s like a regular conversation to her, and is uncommonly for a girl, very open about sex in general.

She also recently said that she has accepted that she isn’t a challenge when it comes to having sex with her. The reason she mentioned that was because I had previously tried to help her see that for a girl to talk about sex so often and leave nothing to the imagination, it’s not really attractive. Once in a while it is, but not all the time. I told her it’s often more attractive when it’s a challenge.

I honestly like her, so I guess that’s why I tried to make her understand that her and I don’t have to have sex all the time for me to be happy, because I like her for who she is aside from that. But I fear that maybe she isn’t entirely “easy” in that sense because she wants to make me happy. I fear that she might just be a hoe or heading in that direction.

She says she’s always been that way when it came to sex. So I assume it’s possible she had a low self-esteem with guys and gave it up to them to satisfy them or whatever the case was.

Anyway, I don’t want to ramble on for days, I’m sure you get the picture. How do I save her; so to speak? I do really like her and care about her. I’ve already talked to her about all this somewhat, but I want to make sure how to go about this.

=========================

Hello!

What makes you think it’s not “common” for women to talk about sex all the time? Have you ever heard a bunch of women talking to each other in real life? (Not in the movies!) Damn – they talk about sex ALL the time!

This doesn’t make the girl a “ho” (not a “hoe” – that’s a garden tool) It means she has a strong sense of her own sexuality. That’s actually an incredibly good thing! You should be EXCITED about that.

…Unless you don’t feel that good about YOUR sexuality.

Here’s the reality: there’s nothing to “save” here. If your sexual sensibilities are so different than hers, then she’s simply not the girl for you. More to the point, you’re simply not the guy for HER! In fact, her self-esteem is just great and I’ll explain how I know that in a moment. It’s YOU that I’m worried about here.

There is nothing so fundamental or powerful than a person’s sexuality. It is the basis of every other thing you are. It dictates everything from the clothes you wear to the car you drive to the friends you have to the words you choose to use.

This girl has an extremely strong, HEALTHY sense of her own sexuality. Don’t stifle that! Don’t create stigma in her mind about it. It’s not fair to inflict YOUR problems with sex on her! Whereas she has a very healthy sense of it, you see it as a threat.

So much of our culture is about trying to repress people’s sexuality. Do you know why? It’s simple: as I’ve said, there is nothing more powerful or fundamental as someone’s sexuality. Christianity and governments figured this out a long time ago! If you can get control over someone’s sexuality – how, when and with whom they have sex – then you control and effectively “own” that person. Further, it doesn’t matter HOW you control it – by redirecting it, making someone think it’s dirty or wrong or repressing it altogether.

This is exactly what you’re trying to do with her! Instead of embracing her sexual strength and health and benefiting from it, you’re trying to get me to help you undermine it.

DON’T DO THAT! Focus on yourself and YOUR issues here. Start asking yourself why you have this problem with your girlfriend. Hers is the model to follow. Yours is the one to correct.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Keeping Him Satisfied and Interested

Dear Dr. Neder:

I just recently became involved with a fellow six years my senior. He is everything I have ever dreamt of; there is just one problem….Me!

I have always avoided the relationship scene because, frankly, I have no idea how to handle a relationship. I didn’t actually date until I was 18 and didn’t have intercourse until my third semester of college. I was sheltered most of my life so school and family was all I really knew. He and I met online and decided to become “partners” for a while. And then he let me in on his thoughts; to him… I was his girlfriend.

Even though we had no such discussion, I was happy that he liked me enough to be his girlfriend. But still, the fact that I don’t know how to keep both of us happy at the same time is weighing heavily on my mind. I grew up taking care of kids, elderly and I had lots of friends but honestly I wasn’t very social and didn’t have a female figure to teach me how to act around men. I was raised in an old fashion way really; proper, polite and feminine. And everything I have done is for other people. My whole life has been revolving around making others happy, even people I don’t know. I have been what most call the “goodie two shoes, on everyone’s side, no enemies, too nice even to mean people.” But now I have him, I want to keep him; I want to make him happy and be happy with him. But I’m afraid to loose him because I don’t know how to keep his eyes on me, to keep him interested and to keep myself from being too giving or not giving enough. To be forthright, I haven’t had too much sex in my twenty years of life, so I don’t know too much about it and I am afraid if I give into his wants and desires too much I might loose him. Then again I don’t want to hold back and leave him wanting. I don’t know if I am paranoid or if I have just cause to worry but I need a little advice. I was hoping you could help me?!

Recently he started talking about three ways. And I know its bad to spy, but he has been on the site that we met on lately, even before the talk of three-ways. He is a very giving man, the only person I have met that wants to make me happy and protect me…but could he have ulterior motives to being so sweet and nice to me? Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with me physically. People just assume that I am still a virgin because of how innocent and naive I seem, not to mention that I look innocent in certain facial features. I just don’t want to end up giving 110% all the time and getting 100% until he is bored or done. And if he is honest and does like me for who I am how do I keep him? How do I keep the relationship alive? What can I do to make ME a better person? I don’t flirt well, I’m not one of those “bible thumpers” as they call them, I’m not nice to make people like me….I just treat others how I want to be treated…but lately I don’t know who I am or what I am all about. I have no idea why I am the way I am. I just need some good advice. And I apologize if my letter is all over the place. I didn’t mean to jump from place to place. I would really appreciate your thoughts. ^_^

Thank you – take care

==================================

Hello!

You, my dear, are fucking awesome for even asking this question! Do you know how many women simply assume they know what a man wants and go about giving him that – and nothing that he REALLY wants? He is very lucky, and I’m going to show you how to make his head spin all the way around – happily.

Your background and history and lack of education have little to do with where you’re going here. You’re focused on the right things and that alone is going to help you in ways you can’t even yet imagine. Most of the girls I talk to complain that they aren’t getting what they want; never even considering their partner’s needs. Instead, you realize that by giving him what he wants (and needs) you’re going to get what you want and need – and you will!

Let me start with this: Your belief that giving into his “wants and desires” will cause you to lose him is simply wrong. Think about this: when he’s not with you, he’s out in the world of OTHER women! Do you really want him out there with his trigger cocked and ready to fire? That’s not a very good plan. Instead, you want to send him out into that world completely satisfied with NO interest in anyone else. I’ve never seen a truly satisfied man stray from his partner.

That’s lesson #1: satisfied men don’t stray. More on this in a minute.

Let’s talk about your fears here for a moment: all relationships (well, at least all WORTHWHILE relationships) involve the risk of being hurt. If your goal in writing to me is to prevent being hurt, I’m afraid I simply can’t help you there. I’d never help you get into a relationship that was so dull and lacked risk that it wasn’t worthy of your time!

You’re going to have to realize that as you invest yourself in this relationship (wisely of course – you invest at the rate the relationship returns what you need, recognizing that all of them have “market fluctuations” – up and down and you ride those out) your goal can’t be to avoid risk. It has to be to MANAGE the risk by helping your partner get what he wants in order to give you what you want. It really is a dance of sorts. You give to get. He gives to get. etc. You can’t negotiate away that risk but the risk itself becomes part of the dance. Neither of you wants to be hurt and that is part of the key that keeps you together and moving forward.

Lesson #2: all worthwhile relationships involve risk and you simply manage it together as a team.

Regarding your “innocence”: that’s a fine thing and obviously something that he’s attracted to. One of the downsides to being a virgin (and frankly, there are many downsides) is the lack of education in yourself. For men, sex comes somewhat naturally. Nobody is a “good love” right out of the box, but it’s easier for men than it is for women. You have to learn all the things that we are pre-wired to do. One example of this is your orgasm. Women usually have to learn how to bring this about themselves before they can teach their lovers how to do it.

I hope that during your years of virginity, you were a fantastic masturbator! That’s where things start for most women. Once you know what makes you pop, you can then let your partner in on the tricks you’ve discovered. He’s not likely to know these things without you telling him. This is the value of having a rich, open, communicative sex life! Nothing should be left on the table. You both should be able to talk about everything comfortably in order to not only tell him what you want, but to discover what he wants as well.

Lesson #3: women are far more complicated sexually than men are.

With regards to the three-way; you have to start considering this first from your own perspective. There are two types of three-ways between couples: two women, one man and two men, one woman. What are your own thoughts/interests about being with another person? What about someone of your own gender? Again, this is where your own masturbation comes into play. By exploring your own fantasies on these things in a safe, open, non-judgmental way, you can begin to discover what range you bring to your relationship.

Likewise, it’s just as “valid” to not have any interests here as it is to have them! Let’s say that (at this time) you aren’t interested in a threesome. That’s fine and doesn’t leave you without a way to satisfy your partner’s interests. If your sex is open and healthy, you can fantasize together about these things. Porn is yet another avenue to explore this safely and without having to affect your core relationship.

I will say this about threesomes: the relationship you have (the “core relationship”) has to be very solid in order to explore this lifestyle. I’d never suggest that you jump into such a thing without lots of discussion and understanding between you two.

Lesson #4: it’s almost always possible to give your partner exactly what they need without having to risk your relationship to do it.

So, what do YOU want? What do YOU need? Do you even know? That’s the first place to start in all of this. While it hasn’t been your history to look at your own needs first, any quality relationship requires it. Until you know what you need, you can’t express it to your partner openly and comfortably.

Realize that this is a step along the way to having a long, healthy and happy relationship. I say “begin with the end in mind”. In other words, know your goals. Know what you want long-term and then start at the beginning to put all the pieces in place to get there.

The second step by the way is to discover what your partner wants. You’re starting there instead and I suggest you go back to the beginning first. Once that’s done, all you need is to spend some real time getting to know what he needs in order to have the exact relationship he wants.

The final step in the process is to simply become that woman to him. Do this, and you’ll have everything you could possibly want – much of which you don’t even know you want yet!

Best regards…
——————————————————————
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Her Gay Friend

Ok Dr., here is the background for this question:

-She and I are both in our early 20s.

-We went to high school together.

-We didn’t know each other well in high school, but were acquaintances with mutual friends.

-I started talking to her about two months ago on a whim.

-She lives far away now but makes frequent trips back here.

-Keep in mind I have not seen her in person for 3 years

-I am NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP, JUST a quick thing.

-She came back once recently and we didn’t meet up, but she is coming back next month. She said she couldn’t wait to meet up next time.

I used your “blitzkrieg technique” and talked to her one day, waited a week, talked again, waited four days, talked again, a week off, etc. She replies and asks questions back every time, HOWEVER she NEVER makes first contact.

When she was drunk she kept telling me via text (and don’t worry, we don’t text often at all) that she is “the most fun I could ever have, especially drunk.” She never says she can’t wait to see me outright, but that she can’t wait to come home, which is understandable. She also gets very offended when I made the jest “are you a boringish girl?” It was almost as though she was out to prove herself as fun. She even went as far as saying “Didn’t you see my club pictures?!!”

But, here’s the big issue: she is bringing her gay friend with her when she visits!

They are visiting and I will be the one calling her to hang when she is here. But keep in mind they are not coming to see me specifically. It was more of a “Oh, your coming up for a few days to visit family? Well lets meet up!” sort of thing. They are driving and he is not from around here, so she might (and I stress MIGHT) not have a place to dump him off. I have made it clear that we will be meeting up alone on several occasions, but how can I make sure that he isn’t there doing the old block the cock thing? She has pictures of him online of them kissing and just being close, typical girl thinks gay guy is cute/adorable type thing. I think you will have much to say on this topic, can you ease my mind at all?

---

Hello!

 

Well, I’ll say this: you’ve been paying attention in class!

By the way – you’ve been using the challenges very well to move this forward. Good job! Here’s one more that you might want to try, “I’ve never met a [insert some attribute of her's here - "Philly", "Irish", "teacher", "Catholic", whatever] girls that knew how to kiss very well.” Then, leave it at that. Challenge thrown!

Why would you be calling her to set things up only when she gets here? Why not have it all planned instead BEFORE she arrives? Get things set up so that you already have the date planned and organized.

You need to ask yourself just how “gay” this guy is! I’m getting the impression that it’s not exactly 100% here. That could work against you. Here’s what you have to keep in mind: HE has her full attention – not you. Thus, you need to win HIM over far more than you need to win HER over. If he’s really gay and only a friend of hers, he can do far more to build you up in her mind than you could ever do!

Thus, plan on meeting him and becoming the close buddy! If you do that, he’s going to help you out here. If not, he’s going to block you. You should also have some place for him to go. Look around town and find a couple of gay clubs. This is a great place to take them both! He’ll have lots of opportunities to meet some guys and you’ll have the girl mostly to yourself.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Silently, She Cums

Hello,

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 6 months now. We are in our late 20′s. I think our relationship overall is good, but I have some concerns about our sex and I would appreciate your response.

For our entire relationship we have had sex usually 1-2 times a day (morning and/or night). We both enjoy it, but my gf has never had an orgasm with me. I asked if she can get them masturbating alone; she said she can and it doesn’t even take long for her to do it, so no problem there.

I have tried many things to improve our sex for her. I have previously been reading on the subject and I believe I got the basics right: long warm-up (not going straight for her breasts/groin), not being too rough, taking our time etc.

Of course I have asked her what/how she likes it and working from there also. The problem is that she either doesn’t know or doesn’t say very much about her desires, just some small bits of information. Usually she just says she likes all the things I do (doubtful).

I have tried different kinds of fingering and oral that has lasted for over an hour. She gets aroused every time but doesn’t orgasm.

We have tried all kinds of different positions and while some are better than others nothing gets her off even if the act lasts over an hour after a long warm-up session.

I’ve read that it’s not my responsibility to make her get the big O, but sometimes it makes me feel like a bad partner. It also makes me enjoy sex less as a result.

She thinks she maybe can’t relax herself enough and not think about it when she gets close and that is the problem.

First I thought that maybe she just needs time to feel more comfortable with me but it has been six months now and the problem persists.

I don’t know what more to do to make sex better for her. She says she doesn’t mind if she doesn’t get off but I don’t know if she is being honest or just sensitive because she knows I have tried hard.

I rarely raise the subject of her lack of orgasms because I don’t want her to feel pressured.

Is this really not a big deal for some women?
Am I wrong for being this worried about it?
What would you suggest we do?

Also any free comments/advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

=====================

Hello!

First of all, congratulations for being concerned about this. Many guys simply brush it off and just accept things and move on – to the chagrin of the women they’re with. At least you’re concerned enough to seek out an answer.

Women are far, far more complicated than we guys are. In order to reproduce, the orgasm in males is a requirement. If we don’t climax, there’s no reproduction. However, women don’t have that requirement. Thus, they have to learn how to do this – and many simply don’t work on learning this.

The fact that she can climax when she masturbates however is a very important key. Some women (about 10%) never learn this skill. Others learn it but never get it translated into have orgasms while having sex.

Yes, your girlfriend is enjoying sex with you. She gets the attention, good feelings, closeness, bonding and other benefits, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want the orgasm too.

Here’s the key: since she can orgasm while masturbating, that’s where you want to start. You want to make this fun and no-pressure by the way, but for now, you’re going to have to accept her giving herself an orgasm. That’s perfectly ok by the way!

You can do everything you’re doing right now. The difference is that you direct her to masturbate when you want her to climax. Encourage her by the way. Tell her how sexy and beautiful she looks and you can even masturbate yourself if you want to. Many couples enjoy “mutual masturbation” as a regular part of their sex.

The point of this is that she needs to get used to climaxing with you around. Likewise, you need to learn how she masturbates. As I said before, women are far more complicated than us guys are and that includes anatomically. Ever woman masturbates differently and you want to discover exactly what gets her off.

Once she begins being comfortable masturbation – and climaxing – with you next to her, you can begin practicing doing exactly what she does in order to help get her there. Soon enough, you might even be able (depending on how she masturbates) to include it in your sex – when you’re inside of her. This is more practice in climaxing when you’re coupled.

You might even make this a fun outing! Try hitting a sex shop together and seeing all the fun adult toys that are available. Some stimulate the clitoris, some the g-spot or vagina, some a combination of the two, etc.

Don’t choose a toy for her however, let HER choose it. Since she knows what works for her, she’ll find just the right thing. By the way, just as women always remember their first boyfriend, their first kiss and their first sex partner, they also remember the first guy that helped them discover sex toys!

Ultimately, the goal isn’t to get her to learn how to climax only through sex. Only about 1/3rd of women can do this. The goal instead is to have a satisfying, fun, happy sex life in whatever form it comes in – and that definitely includes her being sexually satisfied when she’s with you – not just by herself.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV athttp://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Guadalupe’s Dilemma – Reasons to Hone Your Communication Skills

CONFESSION
Guadalupe was a sexually active young woman, engaging in passionate intimacies with men and women alike. Guadalupe so thoroughly enjoyed the many liaisons she had; she recounted her adventures to many of her co-workers. Not all of her co-workers shared her enthusiasm for unbridled lust and one of them, Amy, perhaps envious of a woman who could so openly express her sexuality, called Guadalupe a slut. Totally unprepared for this negative response, Guadalupe was devastated.

CONSEQUENCE
The consequences were problematic on two levels: First, Guadalupe was hurt by the inherent negativity of the word “slut”. This was detrimental to her self-esteem. Secondly, as Amy was a co-worker, the consequences of Amy’s opinion and the information about Guadalupe’s sex life could have been disastrous for her career.

STRATEGY
My strategy for the successful solution of this problem was also on two levels: First and foremost, Guadalupe had to learn to control her mouth. Co-workers had no business knowing such personal information about her. The channels of communication needed to be restricted. Secondly, I needed to ensure that Guadalupe suffered no serious loss of self-esteem. The objective was one of damage control.

SOLUTION
Guadalupe learned to separate her professional life from her personal life. She stopped talking, beyond what was essential, about herself at work. When Amy made attempts to raise the topic again, Guadalupe informed her that she had no desire to discuss her sex life and that Amy’s opinions of her private behavior were not relevant. Consequently, although the rumor mill continued to grind for a short time, there were no long-term negative consequences either to Guadalupe’s employment or to her self-esteem.

BENEFITS
The benefits were tangible and immediate. Not only did Guadalupe benefit from learning how to limit information as to her personal life, but her bi-sexuality served to reinforce a sense of individuality and independence. This inured her to the opinions of others.

This is copyrighted material excerpted from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D.

“Everyone knows how to have sex, but being romantic and making love is an art that can be learned,” says Dr. Ava Cadell. Loveologist to Hollywood stars, author of 7 books and acclaimed media personality, Dr. Ava is a pioneer in the field of virtual coaching on all aspects of love, relationships, intimacy and sex.

For more information about Dr. Ava Cadell please visit Loveology University