How Do I Start Dating?

Doc, you gotta help me!

I’m a 19 year old male, single and I haven’t dated much. I’ve only been in one relationship and am now looking for a woman to be with and I just don’t know where to look or even how to approach someone. My female cousins say to go to the movies, the mall, etc. but that doesn’t tell me how to find someone, approach them and ask them for a date!

Where do I go from here?

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Hello!

Let’s start here: learning to find and approach women isn’t some magic trick. It’s just a skill like any other skill you learn. The problem is that you have to learn it! Very, very few guys actually take the time to learn how it’s done and thus, spend years of their lives failing and eventually settling with only what they have dropped in their laps.

In fact, so many guys actually write to me asking for that very thing – how to get women to fall into their laps, do all their work for them, etc., etc., that it’s no longer funny!

Here’s the reality: just like animals we have our own mating and dating rituals. You want to learn how these work and then know where you can bend or break those rules to your advantage. If that seems calculated, in fact it is!

Here’s a summary of the basic skills you need:

1) How and where to find women that match you well, and knowing how to figure out which ones those are.

2) Knowing how to begin the set-up

3) How to perform the initial approach

4) How to create initial interest

5) How to get a conversation going

6) How to build rapport and connection (absolutely critical because this leads directly to attraction)

7) How to illicit the sorts of responses you want based on what you want to accomplish. Specifically, there are only 3 goals in the approach: digits, and impromptu date or sex.

8) Knowing how to close for your specific goal

9) How to move things forward after the initial meeting

10) How to set up the first date

11) How to build even more rapport and connection on the date

12) How to “convert”: dates to sex, sex to relationships, relationships into stronger relationships

…etc….

There are other steps in between and after these as well!

That may seem like a lot to learn, but in fact, it’s not. It’s all part of a system you already have built right into you! What you don’t yet know are the ways to bring those things out and manage them to reach your goals. This includes things like confidence, sense of humor, expressing power, etc.

The bad news is that I can’t possibly teach you all these things via these messages. The great news however is that I don’t have to. All of this is outlined very clearly in my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II”. Think of these tools as your textbooks into this game; how to play it and more important, how to win it.

This is why you get non-answers from your cousins by the way! They tell you things like “go to the mall” because they sincerely want to help, but just don’t know how. Interestingly, women don’t know how to approach other women! They don’t have to do this, they don’t learn the skills and they don’t have those natural hunter-instincts built into them. They have very different ones however and you want to learn these as well since you’ll be dealing with all of those as you learn your side of it.

Bottom line is this: just like you need to study the craft you plan to do as your career, you need to study this craft as well. The great news however is that once you learn these things, those skills will be with you the rest of your life. Now just where do you think you’re going to spend the majority of your quality time – working behind a desk or at some job that gets repetitive and boring or in the arms of some girl that you love and that loves you because you know just how to be everything she ever wanted?

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

How to Get Women to Be Attracted

Doc:

I came to notice early in my life that treating women as if they are a goddess is a sure fire way of losing their interest. You can try to spend as much with them as possible, call/text them every day, give them compliments etc. but they will lose interest and think you’re weak.

Recently, I have been more aloof with women trying not to calling them when they say give me a call, asking them out once and if they are “unavailable,” not asking them again, trying to get them to approach me, etc.

None of these attitudes seem to work. I find it difficult to get a woman to desire me, to approach me, to call me, ask me out on dates, choose to go out with me over another man or her girlfriends and just find it difficult to make myself a priority for her.

Is there a middle ground here or am I missing something fundamental?

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Hello!

I know, I know. It just seems to fly in the face of logic, doesn’t it? We constantly hear women say they want “nice guys” and then when they get this guy; they dump all over him – if they’ll even give him the time of day. We see this (wrong) message in fairy tales and children’s stories and even romantic comedies because the notion is so pervasive. The realty however is far different.

Being a total scumbag-jackass doesn’t work either, nor does being too aloof or expecting women to do your work for you.

The reality is this: we are complicated emotional creatures with an equally complicated mating ritual. However, the ritual IS there. You can’t circumvent it or change it and expect things to work. They won’t. More on this in a minute.

It helps to understand WHY this is so.

Ultimately, we want the same things; men and women. We just go about getting it in different ways. Both men and women have their goals biologically programmed into them by nature – just like animals do. Now, we never want to believe that we’re pre-programmed to do anything or that we’re not far more evolved than animals, but this entire mating game is absolutely the most important element there is to any organism and the specific reason why we’re here on this planet. After all, if any species lost this focus, it would also stop reproducing and would simply go extinct.

We tend to want to use culture to add an air of sophistication to this whole game. There are “polite ways” to meet and date for instance, but there are many, many more of these cultural “rules”. All of these courtesies and niceties simply are a cultural adaptation to the foundational drives we all have. You are expected to live within those bounds – to a degree. It’s the guys that can bend them without breaking them that get the most attention from women.

Ok, enough science, let’s get to your question:

First of all, you’ve got to get over the notion that women will call you and set up dates – at least in the beginning. It doesn’t work that way. It’s YOUR job to do this, not theirs – and they damn-well know it. In reality, some women are starting to learn how to do this out of sheer frustration at the lack of men that know how. I even have an e-book on my site exclusively for women to learn these skills, but in reality, it doesn’t change one important fact:

Part of the mating/dating ritual is for you (as a man) to be the initial aggressor; to be the one that pursues, and for women to be pursued. Women need this because of their own internal programming. It appeals to their need for attention, and their need to feel safe and secure. You see, women are biologically pre-programmed to be with men who’s genes will produce offspring that won’t get beaten up on the schoolyard and have their lunch money stolen. That’s an over-simplification, but I think you get the drift.

So, here’s a summary of what you are missing:

* First of all, don’t expect women to approach you. Some will, but ONLY if you could do all the work yourself and can express that in a way that women naturally pick up – in their own language. Women have to be able to SEE this from you in their own way before they’ll take the risk of doing it themselves. That’s because they have all those pre-programmed biological needs I mentioned before, and they are effectively giving up those needs initially when they approach. They still expect their needs to be satisfied at some point in the future and if they don’t believe you can do this, they won’t bother with you.

* Thus, you need to have all these approach and pick-up skills under your belt first – AND be able to communicate that you have them.

* Women won’t call you for the first dates. That’s your job, as well as to know HOW to properly set up dates and make sure she shows. Don’t EVER give your digits to a woman without getting hers and expect she’ll call you. She won’t.

* You need to learn how to build rapport and connection (which leads to both initial attraction and to feelings of love). Women have to learn these skills too in order to attract men. Frankly, women are the lazier sex in this case, thinking that all they have to be is attractive. I get letters from women constantly that miss or simply don’t know this all-important point!

* Once you get things rolling (usually with at least a few dates) you then want to look for a woman that will contribute back to dating and any possible relationship! Any woman that doesn’t know to “invest” by this point, just isn’t worthy of your time.

You see, you’re trying to get women to desire you and do all your work for you. That’s not their job; at least not initially. YOU have to begin this process and that’s why you’re failing here.

I strongly urge you to read my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II” and get this education under your belt. It’s not difficult to do all the things I’ve mentioned so far (and frankly, many more) but there’s no simple, convenient place to learn these skills other than by trial-and-error or via the books. Today, nobody teaches them!

Bottom line: there’s no reason why you should be confused or suffering with a lack of success. The key element you’re missing is just a little education.

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

She Texted Me?

Dr. Neder:

A girl in my class recently asked me out via text message. I responded back that doing that was kind of disrespectful. She responded “whatever.” That is as far as it went. I’m on break now for a few weeks. Did I handle that correctly?

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Hello!

No.

Here’s the reality: it WAS disrespectful for her to ask you out this way and that was very likely based on her insecurity. Thus, when you called her on it, you actually brought up her very fear – of being rejected. She equates your view of her asking you out as disrespectful. Do you see the difference?

Realize that women are terrified of asking guys out. So are guys too, but frankly, it’s our job. Thus, she went after the only seemingly “safe” way she could – via text.

If you are interested in this girl, things aren’t lost yet, but you’re going to have to act fast. Here’s what you do:

The very next time you see her (find her if you don’t see her right away) walk up to her and say, “Hey! You know what? I shouldn’t have called you on that texting thing. What was important was that you made an effort and frankly, I appreciate that. It had to be tough for you to make that move in the first place. Let me make it up to you by taking you out this next weekend.”

Now, keep in mind that you have about a 70% chance of success – and a 30% chance of failure here. If her ego is so bruised that she can’t get past it, she’ll turn you down. At least you can walk away with your head up having taken the high-road.

Bottom line: yes, texting is a very rude way of asking someone out. I’d never let my guys do it, but when a girl takes a risk this big (to her) you should at least appreciate it for what it is. Then, tell her that you prefer to talk on the phone or in person because it’s the way “real people” act.

Best regards…
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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.