Confession: I’m Losing My Ability to Masturbate

CONFESSION: Danny was losing his touch when it came to self-pleasure. His attempts at masturbation were thwarted by frequent loss of erection, or no erection at all. What used to be a relaxing experience for Danny was becoming a constant source of frustration.

CONSEQUENCE: Psychological impotence can develop into a vicious circle of failure and the anticipation of failure. The most dire consequence of this for Danny was that a pattern might be established that he could not break.

STRATEGY: The release from stress was important in these types of cases, and that release had to come from within. It would be necessary to divert Danny’s attention away from sex as a means of diffusing the fear.

SOLUTION: Danny stopped masturbating altogether, and instead spent his extra time concentrating on meditation. We tried a variety of relaxing meditative techniques, all designed to alleviate stress, particularly Tai Chi, and Yoga exercises. I encouraged him to re-introduce sensuality into his masturbation, by having him describe his sexual fantasies and discover new erogenous zones on his body. By de-mechanizing the masturbation syndrome that he was in, Danny was encouraged to use his private time to overcome the stress and frustration that was building up inside of him, with Yoga or Tai Chi. When he returned to masturbating, I provided him with some adult rated videos and magazines with which to fantasize, so as to combat the boredom.

BENEFITS: By taking the emphasis away from sex, and making masturbation less conscious for him, it enabled Danny to discontinue an approach that didn’t work for him and it allowed me to directly address the stress issue, which was the chief problem.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Confession: My Wife Is Wearing Me Out in Bed!

CONFESSION: Sonny’s multi-orgasmic wife Jan was pushing him to the limits of his endurance. While she reached states of ecstasy and climaxed over and over again, her husband wound up exhausted trying to keep up with her. Sonny found he couldn’t achieve another erection after ejaculation without taking a break. To make matters worse, every time Sonny’s wife nagged that his “down time” was destroying the mood, Sonny’s already fragile ego suffered massive trauma, and he began to think that he was at fault because he never seemed to satisfy his wife.

CONSEQUENCE: In not being able to keep up with his wife, Sonny was part of the rule, not the exception. But the consequence of this was that it gave his wife the opportunity to complain and this made him feel inadequate. He lost self esteem and felt helpless.

STRATEGY: This problem could not be resolved without both of the parties being present. Sonny’s wife was part of the problem and they needed to learn how to communicate properly in order to improve their situation.

SOLUTION: I gave Sonny and his wife some dildos along with some vibrators, for those periods of rest while Sonny was regaining his erection. Just because Sonny was not erect did not mean that he had to stop pleasing his wife and while she was continuing to enjoy pleasure with the use of the dildos, he could continue to kiss her, caress and orally please her until he was hard again. However, the fact that she complained was a turn-off for Sonny, which put him on the defensive and made him frustrated with himself. Complaining has always been counterproductive, and I made sure that Jan understood with the tools at hand that I had given her, that the mood didn’t have to be broken if she didn’t want it to be.

BENEFITS: By including both parties, it allowed the two of them the opportunity to state freely their differing reactions to Sonny’s difficulties and to undertake the problem solving techniques together.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Confession: I Can’t Stop Exposing Myself to Women

CONFESSION: Abe was devastated when his seven year-long relationship ended. Added to his confusion and difficulty in readjusting to single life was his inexplicable and overpowering urge to expose himself in public. Never in his life had Abe behaved in such a manner before his relationship ended. Now he sought out every opportunity to expose himself and experienced a peculiar rush whenever he opened his car door and displayed his erection to women waiting at bus stops or standing at the corner at a red light. He was horrified by his behavior and yet felt powerless to stop himself.

CONSEQUENCE: The consequence of exposing himself in public could have been criminal prosecution. There were also psychological and emotional consequences to the women who he exposed himself to. Most importantly, however Abe needed to resolve the anger hewas feeling towards women.

STRATEGY: The fact that Abe turned to me to help him control his sudden urges indicated that he was aware that he had a problem and what consequences of that problem could be. The best strategy was one that redirected the exhibitionist urges and that would allow him to identify why he reacted the way he did.

SOLUTION: Abe was directed to expose himself only within the confines of his home. I encouraged him to masturbate in front of a mirror for himself, or for consensual others, but never in public. Concurrently, in our counseling we discovered Abe was lashing out at society and blaming everyone but himself for the termination of his relationship. I asked him to write a letter to his ex-lover which incorporated all his feelings of guilt, love, and bitterness. Abe wrote a five page letter full of tenderness and self-blame and as he read it to me he broke down sobbing. The reality of being rejected and the possibility of ruining the rest of his life woke him up. Upon becoming aware of why the impulse had grabbed him, the impulse itself subsided.

BENEFITS: Abe learned not only to control and direct his urge, but also where the sudden symptom came from. His self-awareness solved the problem.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Confession: I Sleep Around When I Really Just Want to Be Held

CONFESSION: Carol’s desire to be held and cuddled by a man often led to a premature sexual encounter whenever she dated. No matter who she went out with or how short a time she had known him, Carol would yield to a man’s request for sex just so she could feel his strong arms around her. It seemed that freely providing sex to the man was the only way she could attain what was most important to her.

CONSEQUENCE: Obviously, one of the consequences was that Carol was exposing herself to some serious risks, especially of contacting a sexually transmitted disease. An equally serious consequence was the lowered self-esteem that came from Carol’s violation of her own real desires.

STRATEGY: My strategy was to get Carol away from her compulsive behavior and to focus on what she really wanted. I made Carol promise to me to remove herself from those situations that led to the counterproductive behavior, and to be abstinent until she had found an alternative to her current behavior.

SOLUTION: I had Carol write out what she did and did not want from a relationship. I had her list all of her positive attributes and characteristics. This helped her focus on what she really needed-a long term relationship, not one-night-stands. The subsequent change in her self image and a more purposeful focus, combined with a change in where she went to look for Mr. Right, resulted in a change for the better, and the correction of potentially self-destructive behavior.

BENEFITS: The benefits to this strategy were first, to Carol’s physical well-being, as it removed her from risk; and second, to her psyche. It allowed for the elimination of a roadblock to her real goal.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Confession: I Am Always Attracted to Mr. Wrong

CONFESSION: Every time Samantha met a man and was attracted to him, he turned out to be “Mr. Wrong”. It was happening so frequently that even she could see a pattern to her behavior. She tried to analyze her actions and didn’t believe that she instinctively chose men because they were “bad”.  She knew that such men would have a vastly different value system than her own, creating a conflict between them that could never be overcome. No matter what her intellect told her, she still felt compulsively attracted to the same kind of man.

CONSEQUENCE: The long-term consequence of Samantha’s pattern was that she could never establish a lasting relationship. She could, in fact, find herself involved in an abusive relationship, if one of these “Mr. Wrongs” proved too aggressive.

STRATEGY: There were two differing explorations of this behavior. Men and women, it’s known, respond strongly to a chemical attraction called “pheromones”. Even though a male may not have other qualities that recommend him for a desirable mate, the chemical attraction predominates, even though the relationship cannot last. However, because there were consistent patterns to her behavior, the strategy required a psychological solution.

SOLUTION: Samantha, through honest and soul-searching consultations with me, came to realize that she had a choice in whom she picked. Her compulsion to select the wrong man had its origin in a childhood trauma, and by choosing to follow this compulsion, she never had to make a commitment. Her fear of commitment had been allowed to override her need for commitment. At my urging, Samantha stopped dating until she had consciously overcome her fear, by learning to control it.

BENEFITS: The benefits of a psychological solution to Samantha’s problem was readily apparent. She could run the risk of unwanted physical or mental abuse if she continued her pattern. Also, as she seemed to be seeking a positive relationship, it would be necessary to break the negative pattern in order to allow for her future growth.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Obsessed With Bizarre Kinky Sex

CONFESSION: Compulsive twenty-four year old Todd wanted to try everything from drugs and dangerous sports to kinky sex.  He flitted from one romance to another, finding it necessary to experiment with increasingly more bizarre sexual activities to feel the same thrill of conquest. He lamented that while he didn’t find any particular adventure more intriguing than the next, he loathed the thought of repeating even one. Todd realized that his behavior might result in unwanted consequences that he was totally unprepared to handle, so he sought help to confront his obsessions.

CONSEQUENCE: Todd’s restlessness was the consequence of a fear of commitment and intimacy (which was understandable at age twenty four). However, this could land him a sexually transmitted disease and eventually keep him from being happy. Todd thought that people would be impressed with his sense of adventure when in actuality his self-destructiveness reflected a perceived lack of self worth.

STRATEGY: As with many people, Todd feared that which he needed most. He had at some level a self esteem problem, and many fears of rejection. I decided to take a practical approach by working on some common daily occurrences with him to see if we could change his destructive pattern.

SOLUTION: Todd agreed to remain abstinent at least for the length of our vounseling sessions. He agreed that he needed to set his relationship standards higher and focus on long-term relationships (at least more than one night). The first step was to have him repeat conscious routines, to do the same thing at least twice, regardless of how mundane they were. For example – if he had a cup of coffee with two spoons of sugar after dinner, he had to have coffee with two spoons of sugar after dinner for a whole week. If he brushed his teeth before shaving, he had to do it before shaving five days in a row, and so forth. Then we selected a type of dessert that he had a taste for, and he was to exercise his will by not allowing himself to eat his favorite dessert, which happened to be apple pie. If the need for that apple pie persisted, if he still wanted it a week or two later, then he would allow himself to have it.

By helping Todd control his willpower, he was able to understand the importance of customary routines. We also discussed the necessity of friendship, respect and love (something he would never find if he continued on his self-destructive path). Todd admitted that occasionally he did want to see the same date again, but was afraid of rejection if he allowed himself to show his feelings. He came from a family that showed no affection and his parents divorced when he was ten.  He didn’t want the same thing to happen to him.

After many months of counseling Todd agreed to take a chance and he started dating a girl he really liked on a regular basis.  He promised to give her the benefit of the doubt, rather than sabotage the relationship before it had a chance to succeed. Six months later the relationship ended because she was transferred to another state for her job, but Todd had experienced love, respect and most importantly friendship.

BENEFITS: The benefit to his practical approach was that it helped to remove Todd from a high risk behavior group, and would be the first step on the road to readjustment.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Making a Move?

Dr. Neder,

My good friend has asked you a few questions and spoke very highly of the advice you’ve given him and the results he’s received. I’ll take his word for it, and try to keep this brief, but I do want to give you the some background.

I’m 23 and have a good degree and career. Two weeks ago, I went on a first date with a young woman. We live about an hour away. I have known her and her family for 6 years – she is the younger sister of my best friend; also a girl. In fact, I’ve spent many weekends with their family, was in my best friend’s wedding party, and adore the parents. I think the feelings on that are all mutual.

My date, who is 21, was dumped by her long-time boyfriend six months ago. Before the date, I was warned by that “…she still has some feelings leftover from that.” It became clear on the date that she was still hurting over it. I was getting mixed body language from her about “making a move” and decided that no one has ever been pepper sprayed for trying to hold hands – and so I went for it. She got a little uncomfortable, pulled her hand away, and we kept on chatting.

The next morning, my date called her sister and told her how wonderful of a time she’d had with me, but felt uncomfortable that I’d “made a move” and didn’t know what to do. Knowing me as well as she does, my friend told her to talk to me about this, and assured her that I’d  understand, and would really appreciate the openness of communication. She told me she DID want to keep spending time with me, on the condition that I understood she’s in a “romantically anxious place right now,” and that this isn’t going anywhere “right at this very moment.” I assured her we were on the same page, that I too wanted to continue ‘getting to know her,’ and that – unless she gave me a painfully obvious “HOLD MY HAND, DUMMY” sign, I’d keep my hands to myself.

Since then, we’ve communicated almost every day. While this is great, our communication has been exclusively electronic. We’ve only talked on the phone once, which was when I called to tell her I was heading over to pick her up. I’ve tried calling her in the past and she’ll respond to a voicemail with a text. We text, we talk on AIM, we talk on Facebook. She’s forcing some distance – but she’s told me why. For the time being I’m trying to swim WITH the tide, rather than against it.

So, here are my questions.

1: I’m going to be in her town next weekend. How far in advance should I let her know I’ll be there? I don’t want to seem like I’m planning my trips around her.

2: What should we do? Our first date was dinner and drinks at her favorite bar. Since this one is an “un-date” should I do something that won’t FEEL like a date, or is that not a bad thing? Should I propose something in the afternoon? Lunch and butt sex, perhaps? (Oh wait… that’s what I’m NOT supposed to say to her. Right.)

3: I’m desperately afraid I’m going to wind up in the friend zone with her. How do I toe the line between “just being friends for now” and “just being friends forever?”

4: Is it wise to swim with the tide, and not push the ‘phone call’ thing?

Thank you for the wonderful service you provide here on All Experts. I greatly look forward to the sage advice my friend speaks so highly of.

========================================

Hello!

Your friend spoke “highly” of the advice he received here? Hmmm…maybe he didn’t understand it then!  ;)

Now, wait just a damn minute here. Holding hands is “making a move”??? Seriously? Come on here, what are you two, 12-years old? Holding hands isn’t much of a “move” at all! In fact, kissing isn’t a “move” either! These are very simple, minor-as-hell things that people who are enjoying each other’s company do. Let’s keep things in perspective here!

If she’s uncomfortable about this, how uncomfortable do you think she’d be about sex; let alone a relationship? If you give this any credibility whatsoever, you’re simply reinforcing this ridiculous issue! Don’t do that – treat it as the non-issue that it is!

Now, let’s deal with this “romantically anxious place” crap. So what? She’s still having problems with an ex-boyfriend 6 months ago? Seriously – SIX MONTHS AGO??? Further, why in the hell are you expected to be this girl’s therapist? Why all the pressure on you to walk on egg shells here – and none on this girl to grow the fuck up already?? You are both ADULTS here! You’re not children. If she thinks she is, she is NOT ready to be in ANY relationship – not even the one that broke up 1/2 a year ago!!!

You are giving all of this far too much credence and therefore, creating a problem rather than expecting everyone to start acting like adults already. What’s going to happen next, are you and your friend going to make a pinky-swear that you won’t try to hold hands with this girl ever again??? Come on already!

STOP being “Mr. Sensitive” here and start being the man in this situation! Do you think this girl (or ANY girl) will ever feel safe and secure with you if you actually put up with this ridiculous child’s game? Answer: absolutely not! They’ll go find some guy like me that knows better and will dump your ass for being so dumb. Don’t be dumb!

Whew! That felt better…on to your questions:

1) Give her 3-4 days notice. No more than that.

2) DO NOT go on an “un-date”! DO NOT go hang out with this girl! If she’s now going to be your buddy, she’ll never be anything else to you. Don’t waste your time, money or resources on that. Lunch and butt sex would be FAR better than this! Instead, if she has psychological issues, tell her to go get some counseling, but to grow the hell up before you get there – and go on a REAL date one of the nights you’re there. That means you’re going to hold her damn hand and kiss her like real adults on a real date. If she can’t handle that, don’t waste your time with her – give her another 20 years to grow up!

3) You’re already there! This needs to be how you’re going to get out of it, not being afraid you’ll wind up there! You can’t be friends now and something else in the future. If you really get into that situation, it’s game over.

4) Look. I’ve spent a lot of quality time in your state. I’ve done hunting seminars and taking packs of guys out to meet some incredible girls. You guys are no different there than we are over here on the “left coast”. YOU on the other hand want to think somehow you are!

There’s no “swimming with the tide” going on here – this is all about YOU swimming up-stream!

Dating and building a relationship – even a potential one – is your job, not hers. If you don’t know how adults date or what your roll should be or any of 1001 other important points that would make you think any of this is ok, then I strongly encourage you to read my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II” and learn how things REALLY work.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Orgasm Barriers, the G Spot, and Female Ejaculation

An orgasm is one of the most pleasurable experiences a person can have. People are generally capable of reaching orgasms unless they are suffering from medical or emotional problems.There are several different road blocks which can prevent a person from having an orgasm. These include guilt, shame, feelings of inadequacy, a lack of trust and a lack of education. However, most people are able to achieve positive results after some counseling and the prescription of customized strategies.

CONFESSION: After years of hearing other women wax orgasmically about their G-spots, Rhoda started feeling inferior. Not only could she not locate her own G-spot, she began to doubt she even had one.

CONSEQUENCES: Two serious consequences of this problem were related to her self-esteem and self-pleasuring. Psychologically, for any woman to think “there is something wrong” with her or that she was in any way less optimum than other women can haves erious consequences, particularly as it relates to her sexuality. Equally serious was the frustration of Rhoda not being able to please herself and to not experience the positive pleasure of her own body.

STRATEGY: I showed Rhoda diagrams of the Grafenberg Spot, discovered by Ernest Grafenberg in the 1940’s, a German gynecologist renowned for his research on erotic pleasure of the urethra. I further described the G-spot as a dime-sized rough area located in the front wall of the vagina about two inches inside, on the upper wall of the vagina. I told Rhoda that although every woman had a urethral sponge, only a small percentage of them were able to have G-Spot orgasms. Her face lit up when I continued to explain that G-spot orgasms were deeper, longer and often more satisfying than clitoral ones.

SOLUTION: I gave Rhoda a G-spot vibrator, bent at the end into a curve that allowed for easier access to the G-spot area. I suggested she empty her bladder prior to using it because many women feel the need to urinate during stimulation. She agreed to use the G-spot vibrator to pleasure herself during masturbation, much as she would use a regular vibrator, and to spend many hours at a time pleasing herself in this manner. She was surprised by the intensity of her orgasms and even more amazed when she realized that she ejaculated from her vagina. I assured her that female ejaculation from G-spot stimulation (a clear, odorless fluid from the urethra) was very common.

BENEFITS: The benefits of this strategy were many; first, it allowed for the increased physical pleasuring of Rhoda, and secondly, it gave her the control over her own body. Thirdly, it removed any self-doubt about the normalcy of her sexual machinery, which removed self-esteem obstacles and most importantly she would be able to communicate her sexual needs to a partner and educate him/her on the location of her G-spot.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.

Sex and Aging: Is It Normal To have Difficulty Maintaining Erections in Your 70s?

CONFESSION: While plenty of couples in their seventies would give their false teeth to have even the once a week sexual fling that the 79 year-old Anthony was enjoying with his 70 year-old wife Marla, Anthony was becoming concerned because he was occasionally losing his erection during sex.

CONSEQUENCE: Anthony was putting too much pressure on himself about performing. He felt bad about losing his erection and guilty for not making love to Marla.

STRATEGY: Anthony needed to understand that it was natural to lose a degree of his sexual ability in the advanced years. They both needed to learn alternative activities to maintain an active sex life as well as some new techniques to help keep Anthony’s erection.

SOLUTION: First I asked Anthony if he had recently had a full physical check up by a physician and a urologist. He said that he had and was in good physical shape for his age and that there was nothing wrong with his penis. I asked them if he had ever used anykind of apparatus that could help produce and maintain an erection, such as penis rings, vacuum pump devices or creams that desensitized the penis. He shook his head and said that the rubber penis ring looked interesting. I explained to both of them that the penis ring needed to be placed around the base of the penis to help maintain an erection. It was designed for men who were unable to sustain their erection during intercourse. The ring helped to trap the blood in the penis, thereby keeping it erect longer. I emphasized, however, that there was no sure fire cure in reversing the aging process, and in the interest of providing Anthony and Marla with continuing sexual satisfaction, suggested they spend extra time on foreplay. I gave them a video showing sensual massage techniques and told them to go home and practice.

BENEFITS: They would be able to maintain sexual activity, learn new techniques to add spice to their love life and learn to accept any physical irregularities.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.

“Mentally Managing” Wife’s Celibacy

Dr. Neder:

How can I mentally-manage my wife’s choice of celibacy?

==============================

Hello!

I don’t know what you mean by “mentally manage celibacy”, but frankly, that’s not the issue at all anyway!

Your wife doesn’t have the right to be celibate! If she wanted celibacy, she should have never married you!

If she needs celibacy for some medical reason (and it’s temporary) that’s one thing – and frankly, so rare that I’m not going to deal with it in this message. On any other hand, read on…

When you took your vows during your wedding, you likely promised to “…forsake all others…” In other words; you promised that you wouldn’t have sex with anyone else. The problem with that promise is that it’s based on an assumption; another “vow” as it were: that your partner would be making sure you had the sex you needed in order to maintain the level of relationship-promise a marriage requires.

You see, this is a vow just as much as forsaking all others is a vow.

If your wife is now choosing celibacy – and the reason (other than as I’ve already stated) is totally irrelevant – then you no longer have the responsibility to live by YOUR vows either! Thus, you SHOULD NOT “mentally manage” this! In fact, you should be one damn, pissed-off guy! You’re being “cheated on” by your wife!

As I’ve already stated, your wife does not have the right to make the decision for you or your marriage. If she’s having libido problems then:

1) Get her checked out by a doctor to determine why that’s happening. If it’s a medical issue, the doctor can help her and your problem is; for all intents, solved.

2) If not medical, she needs to seek some emotional counseling to determine if her libido problems are mental/emotional instead. If so, the doctor can again help her here.

3) If neither of these things, then this is a choice – and one she has no right to make. Likewise, you can’t demand sex from her, but you can do this instead:

Explain to her that she has a responsibility (a “promise”) to you and your marriage. If she’s unwilling to uphold her responsibility, then she is giving you clear and specific permission to get your sexual needs met outside the marriage.

Further, she needs to understand that if; by finding this new sexual partner, you also fall in love with that person, this sham-marriage will be over and she’ll have to accept that fact knowing that she created it.

Don’t “mentally manage” something so ridiculous as celibacy. You have rights here too if only you’ll stand up for them.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Dr. Neder:
How can I mentally-manage my wife’s choice of celibacy?
==============================
Hello!
I don’t know what you mean by “mentally manage celibacy”, but frankly, that’s not the issue at all anyway!
Your wife doesn’t have the right to be celibate! If she wanted celibacy, she should have never married you!
If she needs celibacy for some medical reason (and it’s temporary) that’s one thing – and frankly, so rare that I’m not going to deal with it in this message. On any other hand, read on…
When you took your vows during your wedding, you likely promised to “…forsake all others…” In other words; you promised that you wouldn’t have sex with anyone else. The problem with that promise is that it’s based on an assumption; another “vow” as it were: that your partner would be making sure you had the sex you needed in order to maintain the level of relationship-promise a marriage requires.
You see, this is a vow just as much as forsaking all others is a vow.
If your wife is now choosing celibacy – and the reason (other than as I’ve already stated) is totally irrelevant – then you no longer have the responsibility to live by YOUR vows either! Thus, you SHOULD NOT “mentally manage” this! In fact, you should be one damn, pissed-off guy! You’re being “cheated on” by your wife!
As I’ve already stated, your wife does not have the right to make the decision for you or your marriage. If she’s having libido problems then:
1) Get her checked out by a doctor to determine why that’s happening. If it’s a medical issue, the doctor can help her and your problem is; for all intents, solved.
2) If not medical, she needs to seek some emotional counseling to determine if her libido problems are mental/emotional instead. If so, the doctor can again help her here.
3) If neither of these things, then this is a choice – and one she has no right to make. Likewise, you can’t demand sex from her, but you can do this instead:
Explain to her that she has a responsibility (a “promise”) to you and your marriage. If she’s unwilling to uphold her responsibility, then she is giving you clear and specific permission to get your sexual needs met outside the marriage.
Further, she needs to understand that if; by finding this new sexual partner, you also fall in love with that person, this sham-marriage will be over and she’ll have to accept that fact knowing that she created it.
Don’t “mentally manage” something so ridiculous as celibacy. You have rights here too if only you’ll stand up for them.
Best regards…——————————————————————Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.