Why Won’t My Wife Try a Little S & M?

CONFESSION: Don was certain that his wife would be as turned on as he was by the idea of indulging in kinky sex play which might spice up their predictable love life. In his opinion, a few adult toys, whips, chains and other restraints might be the perfect antidote to the drudgery their sex had become.Nancy agreed that a change in their sexual activities was necessary, but Don’s suggestion that they use these instruments of torture to bring each other pleasure so offended her, she axed their sex life completely!

CONSEQUENCE: The breakdown of the sexual component to their marriage might have driven Don away and possibly destroy their union unless they discussed their needs, desires and fears.

STRATEGY: Don was too direct in representing what he desired. He needed to introduce light, playful forms of bondage and discipline into their lovemaking and let more serious role-playing follow naturally.

SOLUTION: Don asked his wife if there were something she wanted to do sexually that he’d not previously done. He set the example for her by suggesting he was too selfish a lover. She stated that she wanted more attention; that their lovemaking had become stale and routine. Don made sure to stimulate her with plenty of foreplay, then changed their standard missionary position to one of entering her from the side. Once they were both in the heat of passion, Don began to gently and lovingly restrain her hands and arms. She responded in a positive manner and her immobility resulted in a strong orgasm. Later, when they discussed what had happened, Nancy admitted she liked being restrained while making love. The couple settled on light forms of bondage and discipline, without any chains or restraints, as a safer form of sadomasochistic behavior.

BENEFITS: We restored playfulness to their sexual life, allowing for further communication. If his wife achieved sexual satisfaction from being lightly dominated, Don’s fantasy would eventually come to fruition and he would be more fulfilled.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Dangerous Sexual Turn-Ons: Shana’s Story

CONFESSION: At the rate Shana was going, her next orgasm might very well be her last. What had begun as an erotic need to be roughed up and verbally abused had escalated into dangerous experiments with auto asphyxiation. While in a bar one night, Shana provoked a fight with a man and had an incredible orgasm when he tried to strangle her. Now Shana found it impossible to climax unless severe violence was being inflicted upon her.

CONSEQUENCE: At the hands of the wrong man, her behavior might have led to being badly beaten and hospitalized or even worse. Auto – asphyxiation can be fatal and should be avoided. Even though she derived orgasmic pleasure from its effects, the fact that the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain is compromised, especially during sexual release, indulging in this behavior might mean death.

STRATEGY: Shana needed a professional environment in which to realize her fantasies and would benefit from associations with responsible adults who shared her fantasies. She needed to find out why she wanted to be punished and I wanted to know if she could achieve orgasm through masturbation. She had to be persuaded to direct her energies towards carefully chosen, not random partners and not to experiment with auto – asphyxiation.

SOLUTION: I impressed upon Shana the serious consequences of her behavior and she agreed to stop pursuing strangulation games. Apparently, she had no problem reaching an orgasm through masturbation. She did, however, fantasize about being whipped and punished. She confessed that, when she was young, she would misbehave just so her parents would spank her, as she found the punishment very pleasurable. Now that she was all grown up, she continued to seek punishment anywhere she could find it. Shana decided to attend a domination parlor where she met Carlton, a psychologist who was doing research on S & M. His interests complimented hers and together, they created a safe role-playing environment where Shana could get roughed up professionally and safely. As her one and only master, Carlton ordered her never to use strangulation games again and never to play with strangers.

BENEFITS: She would live longer without sacrificing her sexual desires and lower her risk of meeting “Mr. Wrong.”

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Sexual Etiquette: What Does He Mean When He Says “I Love You” During Sex?

CONFESSION: During unguarded moments of sexual intimacy Ray’s sentimentality often got the better of him. Those three little words, upon which civilizations have been built and destroyed, came tumbling unbidden from his lips. “I love you” was the only phrase that seemed appropriate at the time to express his emotional connectedness to his lover.  Bitter experience taught him that men and women havea  significantly different interpretation of love innocently proclaimed. He feared that his inability to repress those words would one day and with the wrong partner lead to an emotionally devastating conclusion.

CONSEQUENCE: Some people would take you literally at your word, or would not share the same definition of words. Ray’s inability to choose his words as well as he chose his partners would cause hurt feelings later on.

STRATEGY: Ray might be best advised to have sex only with those persons he truly loved. However, it was unlikely that would happen. Consequently, he needed to be selective both in his words and actions.

SOLUTION: I had Ray think up some alternative words for love and to think of some explicit sexual terms that could express intimacy. A sexpartner was equally flattered by a graphic sexual compliment. By remaining as conscious of what he said as he was of what he did, the post-coital complications could be lessened.

BENEFITS: The benefit was that it lessened the risk of someone’s feelings being hurt and increased Ray’s responsibility for his own words or behavior.

Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Sexual Inhibitions: I Want Him to Try Something New in Bed

CONFESSION: After a rather lengthy and non-sexual courtship, Robert and Lara finally agreed that the time was right to become more intimate with each other. Robert rapidly learned to enjoy the way Lara made love to him, and he too, proved to be a quick study in the oral sex department. He learned what buttons to push to bring her pleasure with his mouth, as he eagerly explored between her legs, his tongue probing her soft, inviting womanhood. The more they began to trust each other and shared their needs, the closer they became and the more satisfying their sex life was.

Then Lara discovered that she had and intense desire to have her anus licked, a thought that left Robert less than enthused. It wasn’t that Lara wasn’t scrupulously clean and certainly she had no odor problems, but the whole idea of putting his tongue there went way beyond his newfound oral abilities.

CONSEQUENCE: It was not a wise idea to refuse a sexual request of a partnerwithout having tried it. Ultimately, it would either make Lara think something was wrong with him or with herself.

STRATEGY: To educate Robert as to the benefits of analingus, or “rimming” as it was sometimes called, and to get him to try it. He might like it.

SOLUTION: Robert made sure Lara had cleaned herself and washed after going to the bathroom. Then, while he was eating her (performing cunnilingus), he also rimmed her asshole, and even stuck the tip of his tongue inside it. Lara’s anus was one of her more sensitive erogenous zones and through the introductionof analingus he discovered this. Eventually, the anal attention led to anal intercourse as one of their favorite sexual outlets.

BENEFITS: The relationship between Robert and Lara would be less strained, and the two of them could add to their sexual vocabulary.

Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Confession to a Loveologist: Exploring Polygamy

CONFESSION: The fantasies that George and Sally wanted to explore involved persons outside their primary relationship. Actualizing the fantasies would necessitate a breach in their vows of monogamy by one or the other of them, or both. Remaining completely faithful to each other is one of their highest marital goals, but so is helping the other achieve complete sexual satisfaction. This seemingly unresolvable conflict has led to a sexual crisis for the otherwise happy couple.

CONSEQUENCE: Because George and Sally were making unrealistic demands upon themselves they were doomed to sexual dissatisfaction.

STRATEGY: George and Sally should explore their fantasies as a way of determining if they would really like to proceed. There are few truly monogamous relationships and by striving to achieve monogamy, they must realize that most couples, while largely monogamous, have important differences. They must accept this.

SOLUTION: I suggested that George and Sally verbalize their fantasies and watch some adult videos that featured their fantasies in them. If the fantasies and the visual representation of them proved exciting, then they could safely proceed with the serious consideration of actualizing them, based on mutual consent.

BENEFITS: Once they have resolved the conflict regarding their monogamous values, the couple would be free to explore their fantasies and would be able to decide if they were satisfactory or not.

Conversation with a Loveologist: Why Am I Having Homosexual Fantasies?

CONFESSION: In the light of day, the thought of embracing another hairy, sweaty guy, or giving sexual pleasure to one was the last thing that Hakeem found at all stimulating. Other men just were not attractive to him! Give Hakeem a beautiful, soft, female body anytime, to get his passion juices flowing! Why then, he queried, did he have these recurring erotic fantasies involving members of his own gender, and how could he make these dreams stop?

CONSEQUENCE: Hakeem doubted his own masculinity and was troubled because of a certain ignorance about the nature and function of fanta-ies.

STRATEGY: To get Hakeem to learn to accept the differences between fantasy and reality. If what he said about finding men unattractive was true, then he would not respond favorably to the reality.

SOLUTION: I asked Hakeem what his homosexual fantasies were about. When he told me, I supplied him with some adult videos that featured that fantasy. He did not find them a turn on at all. After he saw them, his fantasies took a different tone. Hakeem’s fantasies were about things unknown to him. Any actualization removed the fantasy thrill.

BENEFITS: By voyeuristically confronting him with his fantasies, Hakeem might confront his own true feelings.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Sex as a Form of Control in Marriage

CONFESSION: Sidney’s wife was doling out sex only upon “payment” received. This extortion came in the form of added household chores or an extra measure of spending allowance.While Sidney deeply resented his wife’s tactics, and thought the quality and the quantity of the sex incommensurate to what he was “paying”, he didn’t want to lose her. Her behavior had begun to seriously threaten their marriage.

CONSEQUENCE: If Sidney remained resentful, he would eventually leave his wife or find another partner.

STRATEGY: I needed to meet with both of them to ascertain if it might be possible to save the relationship. Sidney had to promise not to
hold grudges outside of the bedroom and she had to make love with him, no strings attached.

SOLUTION: Sex is not an appropriate means for reward and punishment, yet many people consider it so. Sidney’s wife was manipulative and was trying to gain concessions by withholding sex. Negotiation in marriage is fair, but must be done conscientiously. Sidney felt his wife’s non-sexual demands were out of line with the amount of sex he was getting. His wife admitted she really didn’t like sex at all, neither with her husband nor anyone else, but when he was “good” to her, she could “grin and bear it”. Ultimately, she was unwilling to change her attitude or her behavior and Sidney eventually left her.

BENEFITS: The communicative channels might have been improved, and a line of fair negotiation and compromise reached. It might have, thereafter, been possible to restore their relationship.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Unusual Sexual Outlets: Group Masturbation Parties

CONFESSION: Outlets for sexual satisfaction were becoming increasingly scarce for the single, AIDS-conscious Lisa. Needing to fulfill her strong erotic desires, Lisa became quite intrigued when she learned of a group masturbation party. Lisa really enjoyed self-pleasuring, but she hesitated after realizing she might like these parties so much they would become addictive. She would be mortified if she ever ran into anyone she knew who had also attended such a party.

CONSEQUENCE: Lisa was in a sort of limbo and would make no progress one way or the other, until she resolved her problem. The general background of the confession was one of fear of self and fear as to the opinions of others.

STRATEGY: Lisa needed to make a choice as to the sort of lifestyle which was best for her. She had to ask herself if she wanted to date someone she would meet at one of these parties. Her answer was an emphatic, “No”.  Accordingly, she came to understand why a man might feel the same way about her. However, the idea of attending a safe group sex party awakened voyeuristic and exhibitionist tendencies within her. The reality of this awareness contributed to more anxiety, and she needed to work on accepting these tendencies.

SOLUTION: Lisa realized that her sexual needs were primarily masturbatory and that her fear of anyone finding out about than would be elimi nated if she did not go to these “Jack and Jill Off” parties, whose sole purpose was group masturbation. She opted for dating only a few men. I provided her with dildos and vibrators to satisfy her most adventurous masturbatory tastes.

BENEFITS: By making Lisa choose, I forced her to answer basic lifestyle issues for herself. Did she want primarily heterosexual relationships or were her voyeurism and exhibitionism more meaningful at this time in her life? The result was a greater sense of security in making lifestyle choices.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Playing Him like a Guitar

Hello Dr. Dennis:

I AM CONFUSED!

I have been trying to figure this out myself but I could not. The issue is: I have a girlfriend who claimed that she loved me. She has another guy that she says is just a friend.

Recently, she mistakenly told me that she cooks for the guy, and they eat together. Even sometime alone in his room together .The guy give her things, like money, gifts, etc.

Please I need your help on this. This girl has lied to me on several occasions. Could she be playing me this time? I tried to persuade her to tell me the truth, she maintained that they are just friends. Is it possible for them to get to that extent with any sexual relationship? The girl did not want me to leave her.

Please, could it be because of all the promises I have made for her. I am too nice to her because she is my first girlfriend. She has been in relationships that involved sex three different times.

Please I need your advice. I do not want this girl to destroy my perception of love.

Thank you.

=================================

Hello!

Yes, you’re being played. If this were just a “friend” why aren’t you invited when he’s there and introduced as her “boyfriend”? Yes, there’s a reason.

I don’t care what name she calls this guy “friend”, “acquaintance”, “muscle of love” or whatever. NEVER take what any woman tells you. ALWAYS look at the actions by themselves.

Yes, you are far too nice a guy by putting up with all of this – and that’s exactly why she has this other guy in her life. She’s hedging her bet until she can find what she’s really looking for. She’s hoping he can be that guy so she can dump you.

This isn’t about trust which she’s going to try to make it. She’ll tell you that you don’t trust her and how can you do that and she never did anything, and she’ll start crying and …

Blah, blah, blah…

You need to understand that this is pure misdirection. By trying to make YOU the bad guy she still gets to take advantage of you until you get it figured out. Being such a nice guy, she’s also right in believing that you won’t get it figured out! She has no idea that there’s someone like me that’ll set you straight.

Again, this isn’t about trust – it’s about respect. Think about this: is it respectful for her to be entertaining this other guy by herself at her place without her boyfriend there? Is it respectful to you OR the relationship – nope and nope! Think about how that looks to me and everyone else out there. You look like an idiot – and she doesn’t care! She’s taking advantage of your naiveté and lack of experience – and throwing it in your face to selfishly have another option until she figures out what to do with you – or this other guy sweeps her off her feet and she simply dumps you.

You need to put your foot down and tell her that you’re not going to be mistreated and shit all over like this. She does NOT entertain men at her place without you there or you simply won’t ever be there again. As I said, it’s damn disrespectful and humiliating for her to take advantage of you and your “nice-guy attitude” like this. First, stop being the nice, understanding, trusting, caring guy! Then, go get your balls back from her purse and stand up and be the man here! Yes, this *IS* your first relationship – YOUR relationship – and you need to treat it like yours, not hers.

Best regards…
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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Self Destructive Relationships: Ola’s Story

CONFESSION: After a savage sexual attack, the last reaction Ola ever expected from her boyfriend Deaton was to accuse her of being a slut who perhaps provoked the rape. As if the pain and trauma of her ordeal wasn’t enough, it was doubly devastating that the very person she counted on for support had now turned on her.

CONSEQUENCE: After already suffering violence in one regard, now she was suffering emotional abuse on top of it. The blow to her self-image and the anger it awakened would ultimately destroy their relationship.

STRATEGY: Ola needed reassurance, and to understand her boyfriend’s problem of misdirected possessiveness, so as to separate it from herself. Consequently she needed a separation until she had completed counseling.

SOLUTION: I explained to Ola that her boyfriend so closely identified his manhood with her, in a possessive manner, that he felt violated or powerless to protect what he considered to be his property when she was raped. Conceivably, it could have been the result of a guilt complex about not being there. Nonetheless, she did not need an abusive boyfriend, particularly at this moment of her life. He needed help to control his abusive behavior and I recommended they stay apart until he got it.

BENEFITS: Ola was able to overcome her problems through understanding and by distancing herself from her boyfriend’s behavior.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward