Self Destructive Relationships: Hayley’s Story

CONFESSION: It wasn’t that Hayley objected to sex per se, but there was a point during intercourse that she didn’t want to continue making love; she wanted to make her lover stop even before he reached orgasm. She resented having to continue to submit to further penetration until the man climaxed. Weren’t there ways that a woman could get out of the situation gracefully if she changed her mind? Surely her lover should be astute enough to realize when she wanted him to stop! Hayley was so incensed at what she perceived as her lover’s insensitivity that she used it as an excuse to break off every relationship she had.

CONSEQUENCE: By doing things she didn’t want to do, Hayley was fueling the fire that destroyed the relationship. On some level, she was punishing herself and was certainly not happy. She was incapable of having a satisfactory relationship and she was a definite candidate for becoming a “Man hater.”

STRATEGY: Hayley needed to stop violating herself and to not have sex unless she was already in a serious relationship. Larger psychological issues had to be addressed and she needed to deal with deep seeded fears. I would send her to a hypnotist specializing in sex therapy in order to find out what had happened to her earlier in her life.

SOLUTION: Hayley agreed not to have sex with others and to not start a new relationship before solving her problem.Hayley had been a victim of child abuse at the hands of her father. She felt the need to give in (which translated itself into accepting a sexual invitation) and yet she really didn’t want to (she changed her mind). She broke off relationships as a way of punishing her father (as the men represented her father). I referred her to a specialist who dealt with adult victims of incest, and asked Hayley to continue her abstinence for the duration of her counseling.

After six months of intensive therapy, Hayley called me with an update on her progress. After discovering that her father abused her, she confronted him, but he denied her accusations. She decided not to pursue him but to let bygones be bygones and told him that she forgave him. Hayley’s relationships improved slightly with less confusion during sex. However she still broke up with her lovers before they had the chance to break up with her. I suggested we work on her “fear of rejection” whenever she was ready.

BENEFITS: By stopping the self-violation, and dealing with fear issues through a hypnotist, Hayley could get to the source of her problem. Often, just finding out what the problem was could cure it.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Christmas Day Dump

Doc:

I was with my girlfriend for 9 weeks before we split on Christmas day! Everything was perfect we loved each other had talked about holiday and kids and even where we were going to get married and moving in together but the problem I had was I never thought I was good enough for her so I lied to her about my financial position saying I had a lot more money than I had.

When I first met her I had my own business and was earning good money so was in a position where I could give her everything, then when my business closed I was in a tight financial position and couldn’t really afford to carry on the way I was, but continued regardless as I thought if she knew the truth then she wouldn’t want me….regardless of how many times she told me she was with me for me and not what I did or could do for her. I just didn’t feel good enough.

Then, Christmas day we had a petty argument and her sister told her all the things she had heard about me, from my financial situation, to why I left my previous job. The problem I have is the town I live in is very bad for gossip and rumors and everyone knows everyone.

She obviously believed her sister and I have only recently been able to talk to her and explain my side of the story. I told her all about my financial situation and the real reason I left my previous job and everything else she asked me I was completely honest about.

She was upset I had lied to her and had given me opportunities to come clean in the past but I didn’t as I was scared I would lose her, as I couldn’t give her everything and treat her how she deserved to be treated.

I made sure everything she wanted to do we did, if she wanted to go out for a meal we went, everything, even down to she had no money to buy her daughter Christmas presents so I gave her money to buy them.

I treated her daughter as though she was my own and loved them both unbelievably; they have every part of me.

I only did what I did because I never thought I was good enough for her and thought I was out of her league.

I have told her all this but she has contacted both my ex and someone I deemed to be a friend who has further stoked the fire, with their own version of events.

I cannot live without her and don’t know what to do, I suggested us going away for a few days so I could show her how sorry I was and how much I am willing to do to show her I will never lie or hurt her again.

I don’t know what to do as I just want her and her daughter back in my life

Please help me – thank you

Hello!

Ok, it’s official. This day will now forever be known as the “3 D’s”: the “Day of the Delusional Dude”. You’re the 4th Delusional Dude I’ve answered so far this morning!

So, where should I begin pointing out all the delusional things you’ve done (and are doing) here? Well, I’ll just list a few:

* That you’re not good enough for her

* That she’s together with you for anything OTHER than what you can give her

* That you have at least one friend (the one that stoked the fire) – no “friend” there!

* That you “lied” to her

* That you can’t live without this idiot

..and probably 100 other things I didn’t mention or don’t even know about!

Dude! You need to wake up here. You have financial issues going on and her reaction is to dump you? Don’t you see what’s going on? A real girlfriend would stand by you and be part of your team. This one is only with you when things are good.

Further, this isn’t about lying at all! Do you honestly think she hasn’t lied to you?? I don’t even know this girl and I can assure you that’s the case; not the least of which is that she didn’t care about your financial situation. In fact, she care 100% because as soon as she learned it was an issue, she bolted! What does THAT tell you?

Now, she’s punishing you and trying to make THAT the issue when in fact, she just realized that the gift train isn’t stopping at her house anymore! She’s actually punishing you for having financial problems! Don’t you get it???

It’s obvious that you and the daughter have grown close and she doesn’t even care enough about her own daughter to try to work things out with you (as though there’s anything to work out – other than her own selfish, self-centeredness!) She figures it’s entirely ok now that Christmas is over because she got what she wanted all along. I’ll bet she still went home with all the gifts you bought her and the kid, didn’t she?

Man, it’s time to wake the hell up and smell the cat shit because you’re sleeping in it.

Here’s even more reality: EVERYONE (and I do mean EVERYONE) lies. She’s a huge liar but wants to hold YOU to some standard that even she can’t meet. You see, this isn’t about you lying at all. That’s only the convenient excuse. It’s about her being a selfish, spoiled little bitch. Oh, and by the way – you certainly helped her with this. I’m not putting all the blame on her at all!

Here’s the bottom line: any girl that doesn’t have your back when you have problems; any girl that doesn’t make it her responsibility to support you when you have needs; any girl that wants to try to make you carry all the burden, be “totally and completely honest” when she, herself could never be; any girl that actually thinks it’s ok to punish you like she’s your mommy; any girl that listens to all these outside voices but ignores the most important one – yours – is a LOSER. She deserves the trailer park lifestyle she’s building for herself.

YOU on the other hand need to get a handle on your own self-image! What makes you think you’re in any way below such a bitch??? Where is YOUR self-esteem? Where is YOUR head? You were the prize here – absolutely not her!

YOU; however, are delusional to think that you’ve lost anything. In fact, you haven’t. You’ve clarified exactly where this “all-in-it-for-me” piece of human waste is. Now, you get to enter the New Year with yourself intact – and not be stuck chasing someone that isn’t worth walking 10 feet behind you.

Let her go and make the New Year the time you get this waste of energy, low self-esteem problem you have fixed once and for all. The girl you’re with doesn’t define you. Only you can do that; but she sure can weigh you down. Cast off this anchor and set sail already. New Year = new chances to become who you need to become.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

When She Gives Too Much

Hey Doc: I’ve read your books and read your column every week. I can’t tell you how you’ve change my life! But, I had a question for you that I haven’t seen you write about before: what do you do when your girl gives too much? She cooks for me every chance she gets, she does my laundry, she makes the bed, does the dishes and cleans up my apartment. She helps me organize my calendar (I’m an attorney with a very active case load) and even helps me organize my files. Sometimes she brings me lunch at the office. She doesn’t ask for much in return! I take her out on nice dates and we spend quality time together. I’ve taken her car to get it fixed, taken us on some nice vacations and bought her some nice jewelry for her birthday, and she appreciates it all, but I can’t get over the fact that she seems to match everything I do for her! Here’s what I mean: I love my girlfriend and she loves me, she’s beautiful, smart, sexy – in short, everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl. Sounds perfect, right? The problem is that I can’t let go and feel good about all the things she does for me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true! How can I get over this feeling and just accept what she does for me? ========================================= Hello! My first concern is that you may not feel worthy of her. As you said, she’s beautiful, smart, sex and “everything [you’ve] ever wanted in a girl”. That sounds like a great thing on the surface, but could it be possible that you don’t believe you deserve all of this? Many guys strive for having someone like this in their lives only to sabotage it all out of insecurity or the belief that they don’t deserve it. That may be where you are now. Keep in mind that it’s not really about what she does for you. In fact, that’s her way of telling you how much she cares for you. The far more common letter I get is where a woman simply expects and demands without any contribution or investment on her own. I hear such stupid things as “Well, he’s getting ME!” (as though this clueless bitch was some prize!) only to hear again after a few months that the guy dumped her lazy, self-entitled ass! You need to start by seeing this through her eyes. Women that are in love show how they feel by investing in their boyfriends in the ways that are most important to them. For instance, your girlfriend knows how busy you are and wants to help ease that burden a little by contributing to your lifestyle. Many guys are suspect about this. They believe that the girl is leading them somewhere – and sometimes that’s true. On the other hand, many girls simply want to build the life between themselves and the man they love. This is how many women express their good feelings for their partners. Stop thinking of this as a selfish thing on your part, but instead as a chance to let your girl give you her love in her own way. The bottom line is this: relationships are not built on a balance sheet, but in fact, both people have to contribute in the ways that they can to help things continue to grow and prosper. Don’t try to match; or worse, out-match her on the giving part. That’s not what this is about. Let her show you her love in her own way and you continue to show her yours in your own way. Don’t feel guilty about it – feel empowered by it and know that these are nothing more than pure, unselfish acts of love. Best regards… —————————————————————— Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.

Confession: we Only Get Along When We’re In Bed Together

CONFESSION: There was only one safe spot in the house for Jonelle and Danny, the bedroom. When they were in bed having sex, their passion was always in perfect harmony. When the sex ended, along with it went all peace and quiet. The couple post-coitus, would invariably degenerate into two bickering shrews. Unless Jonelle and Danny could figure out a way to screw twenty four hours a day, they seemed headed for disaster.

CONSEQUENCE: While their life might have been sexually fulfilling, it was definitely not functional outside of the bedroom.

STRATEGY: Jonelle and Danny needed to understand the difference between sex and love. They also needed to be educated about the reasons why they might be responding the way they were.

SOLUTION: I showed Jonelle and Danny certain charts which illustrated adrenaline levels present during sex and how they were also present in other responses, including anger. While their sexual attraction was high, in no other regard were they compatible: They didn’t even like each other. Initially, the two of them decided to separate and to have a sex-only relationship. At first it worked, but eventually, without the anger and conflict to feed it, their coupling fizzled. Their individual lives became more productive and less self-destructive, if less sexually intense.

BENEFITS: The information I provided the couple enabled them to make a responsible decision regarding the future of their relationship.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.

Confession: I Am Only Attracted to Much Older Men

CONFESSION: Melissa was hopelessly attracted to sophisticated, erudite older gentlemen who seemed far more appealing, as sexual companions, than men her own age. Give her a distinguished-looking, gray-haired man any day over “immature, shallow” youths who were probably more appropriate for her. It did not take long for her “attraction” to become an obsession. Unfortunately, the gray-haired men were usually married. While this didn’t disturb Melissa on moral grounds, it did instill a fear in her that she was, perhaps, destined to life as a perpetual mistress. Melissa genuinely enjoyed her dalliances with these father figures, but her desire to marry was a growing concern.

CONSEQUENCE: Unless Melissa could redirect her father figure needs to anemotionally mature younger man, or an older man who was single and available, she ran the risk of becoming an old maid.

STRATEGY: Melissa needed to parlay her attraction to older men into some sort of reward and to identify the source of her compulsion. She also needed to ask herself if she wanted to marry an older man, just want sex or want to be taken care of.

SOLUTION: As most of the men she had been involved with were married, Melissa recognized how limited her options were. She admitted she was looking for a lasting relationship with an older, gray-haired man who’d provide some appropriate sign of commitment. Her father had gray hair, he’d died a couple of years ago, but Melissa had many regrets concerning not telling him how much she had loved him. She realized she was looking for a substitute father figure, and was fully aware of the complications which age difference can yield. With her goals set on marriage, Melissa agreed not to date married men, but to seek divorced and widowed men who would be delighted to have a young woman pursue their affections.

BENEFITS: Melissa was able to come to terms with her compulsion and better able to understand her own needs.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.

The Thrill of Having Sex in Public

CONFESSION: Phyllis and Ramid discovered that the thrill of having sex in public places had put the spice back into a love life that had long since turned bland. While the adrenaline rush from these outdoor erotic escapades propelled them into a state of ecstasy beyond their wildest expectations, Ramid grew more and more concerned that he and Phyllis would get caught and, possibly, arrested. Despite this concern, neither he nor Phyllis wanted to give up a fetish that had seemed to save their marriage.

CONSEQUENCE: Fear and sexual excitement are both neurological and, therefore, it came as no surprise that the two emotions fed off one another in this case. The obvious consequence was that they might be arrested. Ramid was being responsible and realistic in keeping this in mind.

STRATEGY: As I told them, there are public places, and there are very public places. They did not need to correct their behavior, but rather to find safe places where they would not be arrested. One example was having sex in a parked car.

SOLUTION: Since they lived near the ocean, the two of them could explore the beach (and each other) after hours. While it might be a little colder in the evening, the heat of their passion would keep them warm. They could also make love at home and “accidentally” leave the curtains open, (just a little touch to add an element of excitement) providing they would not be seen by minors. I advised them to stay away from public parks and parking lots or any municipal, state, or federal buildings and directed them to recreational areas where people of similar persuasion might be. This would lessen the chance of disapproving reactions by those who randomly came upon them.

BENEFITS: This strategy maintained an outlet that was satisfactory to the partners but minimized their risk factors.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.

Sexual Confession: A Laughter Fetish

CONFESSION: If someone at dinner told a funny joke, Jane not only laughed, she felt herself becoming sexually aroused. At the movies, a good comedy made Jane wet. She couldn’t figure it out. Why did laughing turn her on so? It really wasn’t very funny. This strange sensation was seriously interfering with her social life.

CONSEQUENCE: Feeling a sexual loss of control every time she laughed was not merely a social problem, but a psychological one as well. The condition produced compulsive and inappropriate laughter and her behavior might be negatively misconstrued by those around her or in her social circle.

STRATEGY: Jane’s sexual response to her own laughter, while not physiologically abnormal, was an expression of hysteria. My strategy was to find a common ground of understanding and to effect a transfer of this response to another outlet. I began by pointing out that laughter and sexual expression, especially among females, are neurological and related to one another. How many women included finding a man to make them laugh on their ideal manlist? The overwhelming majority. Just like chocolate, laughter has an association to sex among women.

SOLUTION: As the source of the problem was psychological, two steps in the solution were necessary. The first step involved finding out what happened the first time she felt this response and why. In Jane’s case, the laughter was an unconscious response to child abuse she’d suffered at puberty. The second step was to separate the compulsive sexual rush from the laughter. This was achieved after the recognition of the problem’s origin. Self-awareness resulted in self-control.

BENEFITS: The benefit to Jane, with this approach was that it directed her compulsion to a more socially acceptable and controllable outlet. An increase in her sense of self-control was necessary for any successful solution to be realized.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.

Long-Distance, Bad News

Hi there,

OK I need your opinion but in order to get that I’ll tell you my story.

In December of 2007 I met a girl at a cafe, asked her out and we began dating. At that time I was not aware that she was here on a holiday visa. She spoke little English being of Asian descent.

Eventually our relationship turned serious as we began to see more and more of each other.  At this stage she had changed her visa from holiday to student to study English so she could better her chances of being able to speak it. She found it harder than most.

In 2009, February, she had to go back as her father was ill, dying. On her return she was stopped by New Zealand immigration and interviewed.

It was revealed that she didn’t know that the person who put her Visa together had done it the wrong way and not through the proper channels and she was asked for $15,000 from that contact.

I then requested a copy of transcript at the New Zealand immigration interview to see a way out or forward and eventually had no luck with the first law firm. I’ve since found another who has been helpful and we’ve tried to refute the concerns but the case manager again denied her entry under the holiday premise as the case manager was of the belief that she wanted to come to NZ to continue her relationship with me and that she would be likely to breach the conditions again.

It’s hard to apply under the partnership category as they want to see a couple living together for a year or a few months which we were not at the stage of. It is not easy for me to move to Shanghai to meet that requirement.

It is heart breaking as she is upset as am I but how can we get through this, any suggestions even positive moral supportive one’s would help me.

I guess I’m just seeking a different opinion or something that may help me go forward as I feel like I’m carrying this weight on my shoulder, its heavy.

=======================

Hello!

If you only want a positive pat on the back to make you feel better, you’ve come to the wrong guy. My job (as I’ve defined it) is to give you reality, not try to blow smoke up your ass. That’s not what I do, so if that’s what you need, this is where you should stop reading and go ask someone else. You probably won’t get any better an answer (unless they happen to know New Zealand immigration law – which I don’t) but they may help make you feel better.

First of all, you’re going to have to accept this fact: long-distance relationships (“LDR’s”) NEVER work out! There are 1001 reasons why that’s true, but trust me, it is. I’ve already answered 3 such questions so far this morning about 20 so far this week.

They are fraught with all sorts of problems; jealousy, trust issues, frustration, expense and so much more that I will tell you this straight up: DO NOT believe you are going to buck the odds. You won’t. If she can’t be there with you and you can’t be with her in Shanghai, this is simply never going to work – no matter how much you want it to or how hard you work or how much you promise each other it will. All you’re going to do is prolong the inevitable and finally wind up as enemies; each hurting because of all of this.

Further, consider how many incredible women there are right there in your own backyard! You obviously know how to approach them (as you did with this girl – congratulations on that by the way) and as such, they are all available to you. All you have to do is go and meet them.

Now, on the positive side, you could continue to look for a new immigration attorney that might be able to help you, but just consider all the great women you’re passing up to try to have something you’re not going to have unless you can get this solved – and it looks like that’s not going to happen here. In all these months, it would have if it could have.

I’m sorry to deliver this bad news, but it’s far better to give you reality than to try to convince you that doing the wrong thing – even for the right reason – is a good idea. I’m not that cruel.

Best regards…

——————————————————————

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Hi there,
OK I need your opinion but in order to get that I’ll tell you my story.
In December of 2007 I met a girl at a cafe, asked her out and we began dating. At that time I was not aware that she was here on a holiday visa. She spoke little English being of Asian descent.
Eventually our relationship turned serious as we began to see more and more of each other.  At this stage she had changed her visa from holiday to student to study English so she could better her chances of being able to speak it. She found it harder than most.
In 2009, February, she had to go back as her father was ill, dying. On her return she was stopped by New Zealand immigration and interviewed.
It was revealed that she didn’t know that the person who put her Visa together had done it the wrong way and not through the proper channels and she was asked for $15,000 from that contact.
I then requested a copy of transcript at the New Zealand immigration interview to see a way out or forward and eventually had no luck with the first law firm. I’ve since found another who has been helpful and we’ve tried to refute the concerns but the case manager again denied her entry under the holiday premise as the case manager was of the belief that she wanted to come to NZ to continue her relationship with me and that she would be likely to breach the conditions again.
It’s hard to apply under the partnership category as they want to see a couple living together for a year or a few months which we were not at the stage of. It is not easy for me to move to Shanghai to meet that requirement.
It is heart breaking as she is upset as am I but how can we get through this, any suggestions even positive moral supportive one’s would help me.
I guess I’m just seeking a different opinion or something that may help me go forward as I feel like I’m carrying this weight on my shoulder, its heavy.
=======================
Hello!
If you only want a positive pat on the back to make you feel better, you’ve come to the wrong guy. My job (as I’ve defined it) is to give you reality, not try to blow smoke up your ass. That’s not what I do, so if that’s what you need, this is where you should stop reading and go ask someone else. You probably won’t get any better an answer (unless they happen to know New Zealand immigration law – which I don’t) but they may help make you feel better.
First of all, you’re going to have to accept this fact: long-distance relationships (“LDR’s”) NEVER work out! There are 1001 reasons why that’s true, but trust me, it is. I’ve already answered 3 such questions so far this morning about 20 so far this week.
They are fraught with all sorts of problems; jealousy, trust issues, frustration, expense and so much more that I will tell you this straight up: DO NOT believe you are going to buck the odds. You won’t. If she can’t be there with you and you can’t be with her in Shanghai, this is simply never going to work – no matter how much you want it to or how hard you work or how much you promise each other it will. All you’re going to do is prolong the inevitable and finally wind up as enemies; each hurting because of all of this.
Further, consider how many incredible women there are right there in your own backyard! You obviously know how to approach them (as you did with this girl – congratulations on that by the way) and as such, they are all available to you. All you have to do is go and meet them.
Now, on the positive side, you could continue to look for a new immigration attorney that might be able to help you, but just consider all the great women you’re passing up to try to have something you’re not going to have unless you can get this solved – and it looks like that’s not going to happen here. In all these months, it would have if it could have.
I’m sorry to deliver this bad news, but it’s far better to give you reality than to try to convince you that doing the wrong thing – even for the right reason – is a good idea. I’m not that cruel.
Best regards…——————————————————————Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.

Overcoming Inhibitions and Having Orgasms During Sex

CONFESSION: While Priscilla had completely mastered the art of self-pleasure – demonstrating the ability to bring herself to levels of orgasm which often amazed her – she could never climax with any of the men she dated. She wanted to let herself go and hand over the clitoral reins she so firmly held to her lover, but she found she couldn’t.

CONSEQUENCE: Priscilla’s self-image was suffering, and this, if left unchecked, could produce neurosis in other aspects of her life. It would further inhibit an already inhibited person.

STRATEGY: Priscilla had to incorporate what worked during masturbation into her lovemaking sessions. I started by teaching her the difference between an internal (G-spot) orgasm and external (clitoral) orgasm. It was obvious she had no problem reaching an orgasm on her own when she stimulated her clitoris with her hand. Priscilla was fascinated by the possibility of reaching an orgasm through her urethral sponge, or G-spot. I showed her diagrams that clearly marked the spot between the pubic bone and the cervix and told her that many women had intense orgasms when this area was stimulated by a finger, a vibrator or a man’s penis.

However, I was more concerned about her inhibition related to playing with her clitoris in front of her lover. I asked her to stimulate herself the next time she made love and to call me with feedback the next day.

SOLUTION: Priscilla had emotional difficulty in letting herself open up with her lovers. Sometimes she made love for the physical sensation, but lacked emotional contact, consequently, this inhibited her orgasmic ability. Priscilla called me after she made love to her partner. She told me he had been a little “put off” by her meddling finger on her clitoris while he was penetrating her. She rubbed herself and managed to control her orgasm until he ejaculated, then they climaxed together. After that, he was delighted with her assistance and told her it was the first time he had ever had an orgasm with someone at the same time.

I provided Priscilla with a variety of vibrators and other sex toys and encouraged her to masturbate while she was making love with her partner. I also encouraged her to only make love to men she cared for emotionally. Priscilla was able to achieve an orgasm with another person and her self-esteem automatically improved, not to mention her sex life!

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s Bookstore at Loveology University for a wealth of information about love, intimacy, and sex.

Coping with Premature Ejaculation and Pleasing a Woman Every Time

CONFESSION: When he masturbated, Arnold could hold back as long as he wanted before climaxing. Always hard, always reaching orgasm just at the right time, his masturbatory life was bliss. So why, Arnold sadly wondered, did his manhood seem to betray him every time he was with a woman by erupting after only a few minutes?

CONSEQUENCE: Arnold’s premature ejaculation problems were causing him to feel insecure and gave him a lack of confidence as a lover. He was beginning to lose sleep over his anxiety which was even affecting his work life. However, he was clearly more relaxed and less performance oriented when he was alone than when he was with another person.

STRATEGY: Arnold needed to relax and feel more comfortable when he was with a sexual partner. The blockage was clearly psychological so performance anxiety issues needed to be addressed. He was encouraged to spend more time on foreplay, kissing and touching his partner – and then slowly build the sexual excitement for both of them before engaging in intercourse. I told Arnold to forget about his penis and concentrate on pleasuring his partner with his hands and tongue.

SOLUTION: Arnold became engrossed in new sexual activities that had nothing to do with his penis, thereby removing the focus on his premature ejaculation. He teased his lover with his tongue from her toes to her head. He caressed her lovingly and masturbated her until she begged for mercy. He even asked her to rate his licks, kisses and caresses from 1 to 10. When he finally penetrated his lover, his erection lasted for about fifty strokes before he ejaculated.

Since he still wasn’t satisfied with his performance, he came to see me one more time. I had him tell me what he did when he masturbated, and to describe that which he fantasized about; what was it that prolonged his need to ejaculate? Arnold said he squeezed the head of his penis when he got too excited and that he thought of Canadian bacon and pineapple pizza when he was going to ejaculate too soon. It simply became a matter of duplicating this thought process in order to alleviate his problem with lovers.

BENEFITS: Arnold learned the importance of preparing a woman forlovemaking, and, once again, became a confident lover. He no longer felt insecure after mastering the art of oral sex and,consequently, placed less emphasis on his penis.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s Bookstore at Loveology University for a wealth of information about love, intimacy, and sex.