My Husband Wants to Take Me to a Strip Club

CONFESSION: When Abbie’s husband proposed to take her to a club featuring male and female strippers, it made her blood boil! What was wrong with him, she demanded, how dare he suggest such a degrading thing? What sort of man had he become that he wanted to take her to see half naked men and women cavort disgustingly on stage and take off all their clothes? She ranted and raved, and accused him of no longer respecting her.

CONSEQUENCE: Abbie’s misinterpretation of her husband’s suggestion introduced resentment and anger into the relationship. If they did not communicate their fears and desires, the relationship could be terminated prematurely.

STRATEGY: I needed to talk to Abbie so that she understood how men were aroused by different stimuli than women, and that this was not a personal insult to her. Her husband wanted both of them to participate in watching male and female strippers strut their stuff to educate them on the art of stripping. This was his way of sharing with her his long time fantasy.

SOLUTION: I pointed out to Abbie that men were considerably more visually oriented than women and that her husband was wanting to share something special with her. Abbie admitted that he didn’t want her to do anything degrading, just watch other people dancing. She decided to compromise and accompany her husband, then to ask him to do something that she would like in return. She made him get season tickets to the opera. Abbie did call me to confess that the striptease club was quite entertaining and their lovemaking that night was more charged than it had been in years.

BENEFITS: By understanding his need for voyeurism, Abbie added some extra sizzle to their relationship and removed the resentment she had needlessly built up.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Inhibitions: I’m Too Shy to Ask a Girl Out

CONFESSION: Brian’s unrelenting shyness has crippled his social life, leaving him feeling incredibly vulnerable and lonely. When women first meet Brian, they all thought he was charming, funny and sweet, but what did it matter that he could occasionally feign congeniality and appeared to be outgoing if he was completely incapable of asking any of these attractive women out on a date?

CONSEQUENCE: Brian undeniably had much to offer, but he could have wasted these abilities if he couldn’t connect with others.

STRATEGY: Brian needed training in asking for what he wanted. He must begin small and the initial success would propel him onward. I had Brian pick small achievable things he wanted. Then I had him verbalize those wishes. We did this first in role-playing and then by himself. When he was comfortable with doing this, I had him come back and we role-played further, before he proceeded asking girls he liked for certain things and, ultimately, a date. Women would sometimes appreciate vulnerability in men and Brian succeeded in overcoming his shyness.

BENEFITS: You have to walk before you can run, and nothing can spell success like taking these first steps. Brian would be able to enjoy a long and happy dating period if he wanted because he had learned to become more outgoing.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Inhibitions about Oral Sex: Marty and Jeanette’s Story

CONFESSION: Marty’s wife Jeanette longed for her husband to perform some good, old fashioned oral sex on her to bring her to the same state of arousal and orgasm that he seemed to enjoy through plain old intercourse. She nagged, she begged, she cajoled, she even tried to bribe him into “going down” on her, but all he could think about whenever she brought the subject up, was how unpleasant the smell would be. He loved his wife dearly, but not enough to endure that!

CONSEQUENCE: A woman might need or at least appreciate masturbation and/or oral stimulation prior to intercourse, and often, in order to achieve orgasm. The lack of oral sex condemned Marty’s wife, in all likelihood, to a life of sexual frustration that would have ultimately either caused a loss of self-esteem and/or sexual disruption within the marriage.

STRATEGY: My strategy was first to educate Marty on what the natural odor and flavor of a woman should be. He admitted that he thought women’s vaginas should smell like perfumed flowers and was turned off by the slightly musky flavor of his wife. We discussed elements of good hygiene and finally I introduced some products to camouflage or minimize the offending odors. To this end, I provided both Marty and his wife a strawberry flavored lotion and minty gels designed specifically for enhancing oral sex.

SOLUTION: I advised Marty and his wife to have their first oral sex experience in the shower, and to put flavored shaving cream on her pubic hair. Then I had Marty shave the pubic hair off his wife, as hair can retain odor (so can medication, hormonal fluctuations and diet). Then I had him lick the cream remnants off her pubis, as a beginning to the oral sex. Once they had finished in the shower, Marty applied the gels and flavoring that I had previously given them, and used them outside of the shower area, so as to remove the restrictions on when, where or how oral sex should be performed. Once Marty realized that his wife smelled and tasted “normal” he allowed himself to enjoy oral sex and performed it with zealous abandon on a regular basis.

BENEFITS: The obvious benefit was that Marty’s wife received the type of oral attention that she required to orgasm. The increased satisfaction on her part improved Marty’s perception of himself as a lover, and encouraged him to ask things for his excitement from her, as the communicative avenue was improved.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Inhibitions: My Wife Won’t Let Me See Her Naked

CONFESSION: Tom had never seen his wife Maria naked, because she always insisted that they make love in absolute darkness. Tom felt that Maria pushed the limits of his patience with her extreme shyness, but the very austere and inflexible home in which she was raised created in Maria an unnatural reluctance to be seen without her clothes, even by her own husband. Tom desperately wanted to see Maria’s nude body, to look at her supple breasts while he caressed her nipples. He was certain that the sight of her soft, undraped curves and her sweet, glistening skin would vastly increase his excitement and eroticize their lovemaking.

CONSEQUENCE: The immediate consequences to the marriage was not disastrous. However, it did present a roadblock to intimacy and betrayed a certain power struggle. On some level, Maria was withholding more than the sight of her naked body from her husband. She was convinced that sex was bad and she was inherently evil just because she was a woman. So while the surface of this conflict allowed her to be a willful child in a “good girl” role, the long range conflicts the problem allowed to develop could have been fatal to the marriage, and have lasting negative connotations for the individual as well.

STRATEGY: By making Maria feel sexy about taking her clothes off for her husband, I redirected her to a positive focus. I suggested that Maria begin admiring her body in front of a full-length mirror when she was totally alone. She had to look at herself positively and begin touching, stroking, and turning herself on. Once she was comfortable being nude, Tom and Maria were to play-act a fantasy, “Centerfold”.

SOLUTION: In this fantasy, Tom was the photographer and Maria the model. She started out completely clothed and slowly removed each article of clothing as she become more aroused. Tom was to compliment her every curve and direct her into various positions, but he could not make love to her until she was totally naked with all of the lights on. This assuaged Tom’s voyeuristic inclination and redirected Maria’s “good girl” behavior and its negative consequences to a more healthy enjoyment of self. In time, Maria developed exhibitionist tendencies, and the two of them even profited by sending their “Centerfold” photographs to a magazine for publication.

BENEFITS: Maria and Tom would be able to explore new levels of sexual excitement and Maria would also be able to have a much healthier attitude towards her body.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Sexual Inhibitions: Why Do I Have Trouble Pleasing Men in Bed?

Inhibitions: Few people are totally uninhibited about sex. Inhibitions can vary from not wanting to undress in front of your lover to being put off by adult films. The best solution I’ve found for overcoming any inhibition is to simply face it. It is my belief that one will always have regrets if you do not overcome your obstacles. A life full of regrets is a life that has not been fully realized, experienced and enjoyed. If you can shed your inhibitions with the one you love, you will find a much stronger connection in your relationship.

CONFESSION: While Alexis had no trouble getting men into bed, figuring out what turned them on once she had their full attention was quite another story. Alexis had difficulty tuning in to the vastly different levels of arousal and pleasure zones that every man responded to. One man loved it when she tenderly caressed his buttocks, while another thought it was annoying. Each successive lover posed a new challenge, and Alexis’ inability to “read” their desires undermined her confidence in pleasing a man. Unable to simply ask her partner what excited him, Alexis allowed doubt to inhibit her.

CONSEQUENCE: The inhibition factor was the most disconcerting, as it deterred her from finding sexual satisfaction, and the uncertainty she felt most likely masked a greater need to please her partners than to be pleased herself.

STRATEGY: Alexis needed to improve her communicative skills with her partners and not just in bed, either. Clearly, even though she wanted to touch them in “the right way,” she couldn’t directly ask any of them what their individual needs were. My strategy was to help Alexis get past her communicative inhibitions in general.

SOLUTION: Alexis was first instructed to write down questions she had of me, with no restrictions at all. Once she had written them down, she could verbalize them. While some of the questions were general, most related to sex. She had no idea that men liked to be touched with more pressure than women and that each man had his own erogenous zones just waiting to be discovered. Then we repeated the procedure outside the office. Her homework was to write down and verbalize her questions to others. Eventually, the inhibitions were reduced to a level whereby she could ask direct, intimate questions of others without embarrassment and alleviate the confusion she had felt.

BENEFITS: The benefit to Alexis would be an ability to express herself to others and to get them to express themselves to her. It would enable her to get past the frustrations of an inhibiting shyness and consequently become a more confident lover.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Low Self Esteem and Sexuality: Sarah’s Story

CONFESSION: Overweight and underloved, Sarah’s professional life of pressure and uncertainty had almost completely destroyed her sex life. She found herself exclusively dating men who could never be sexually attracted to her in the first place. Her gay male companions were safe dates because they didn’t require her to be flirtatious and she never had to worry about her ever-expanding waistline. The difficulties of being the manager of a retail store inevitably challenged her beyond her capacity to deal with her stress in a healthy way. She seemed to thrive on manipulating the men who worked for her, by reducing their hours so they could not earn a sufficient living, or requiring them to do petty and demeaning tasks, until they lost or quit their jobs. Her behavior was completely undermining her ability to interact naturally and rationally with heterosexual men who were potential dates. Something had to change soon or she might never have a satisfactory love life.

CONSEQUENCE: Sarah’s low self-esteem was not only insulting in unsatisfactory sexual association doomed to frustration from the beginning, but was also making victims of her heterosexual male subordinates.

STRATEGY: Sarah needed a structured program to improve her self-esteem, and we needed to get to the bottom of her self-image problem.

SOLUTION: For the duration of our counseling, I encouraged Sarah not to date anyone. Through intensive consultation, aided by Sarah’s compulsive need to talk about anything, I discovered that Sarah’s parents, who were very orthodox, had told her as a child, that they regretted having a girl rather than a boy. This so impressed her that she began to feel worthless and hated herself. She put on weight, and systematically avoided contact with boys as a child, which her parents encouraged as part of being a “good girl”. Her first sexual experience resulted in a sort of date rape situation. The results were disastrous. As far as the unfortunate heterosexual men who worked for her, they simply became professional victims of a victim herself. I had Sarah start by writing positive things about herself and memorizing them. Then I referred her to a weight-loss clinic, which held self-improvement motivational seminars as part of the program. Sarah began to lose weight and dress better and the visualization of her outward improvement helped her.

BENEFITS: Not only would it be a first step in improving her personal life, but it would also have contributed to a better work environment.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Why Do Women Seem to Hate Their Bodies? Garth’s Story

CONFESSION: Garth was immensely dismayed and perplexed to observe that almost every woman he charmed into bed suffered acute embarrassment and self-consciousness about their bodies while he was making love to them. He thought he gave them ample reassurances that he was physically attracted to them and that they really turned him on. He couldn’t fathom what possible imperfection they imagined to have had while he so lustily embraced their magnificent flesh. So many of his lovers seemed obsessed by their unobservable flaws that he concluded this was normal for all women. Wasn’t there anything he could say or do to put them at ease about their appearance so they could enjoy lovemaking?

CONSEQUENCE: The consequence of this confession was unclear. It appeared that Garth simply wanted to understand women better. Perhaps he was actually indicating that the women felt inhibited by their imperfections.

STRATEGY: The more aware Garth was of female psychology the better lover he would become. However, short of reassurance there was little he could do. He had to realize this fact.

SOLUTION: Garth learned how important atmosphere was for the average woman. He needed to make his lovers feel that they were the most beautiful women in the world, and I encouraged him to compliment them on what they perceived to be their imperfections. This would help lower their self-consciousness and to let themselves go. However, he always needed to remember that many women are physically dissatisfied with themselves.

BENEFITS: By sharing secrets of female psychology, Garth would be more able to effectively empathize with his lovers.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

He Doesn’t Want to Marry a “Loose” Woman: Juliette’s Story

CONFESSION: Juliette was a wildly passionate and sexually experienced woman who was not afraid to tell her partner how to satisfy her physical needs. When she began dating Andre, a quiet, traditional man whom she really liked, she immediately realized that his previous sexual experience was nowhere on par with her own, and that he would have to be shown what foreplay brought her the greatest sexual pleasure. Although Andre didn’t complain about Juliette’s sexual aggressiveness in teaching him the right buttons to push, he later commented that it was against his religious principles to date or marry a “loose woman”. He emphatically expressed his disapproval of such women, and hoped that Juliette was not “like that”. Juliette’s dilemma was that she truly cared for Andre and did not want to lose him, but could she settle for a sexual relationship that did not and could not reach it’s full potential?

CONSEQUENCE: An immediate consequence of Juliette’s wariness was that Andre was not experiencing the full range of pleasure that Juliette was capable of providing him with. The long-term consequence of their different backgrounds could likely be separation, due to the gaps already apparent.

STRATEGY: I advised Juliette that even if Andre was a very traditional man, it would be very difficult for her to be anything other than herself. Juliette would have to have forthright communication with Andre and to employ seductive techniques to encourage him to choose his pleasure over principle.

SOLUTION: I encouraged Juliette to “lead” Andre to a pleasurable experience and to compliment him on his sexual performance. When Andre asked if she had been loose in the past, Juliette admitted she had had other lovers, but reassured Andre of his superiority to them in pleasing her. She told him that they needed to live for the present and the future. She needed him to accept and love her for who she was now. This initially massaged his ego, but with time, his devotion to his religious principles was too strong so he sacrificed his pleasure on the altar of his ideals. Juliette, although hurt by the rejection, maintained her sense of self worth, due to having spoken up for herself, and soon found a more mature lover.

BENEFITS: The primary benefit in this approach was that it reaffirmed the identity and positive qualities that Juliette had to offer. By addressing this issue immediately, it could spare the two even more conflict in the future.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

How Can I Tell My Boyfriend I Have Genital Herpes?

CONFESSION: Alyssia was hopelessly attracted to her current boyfriend, Bill and, fortunately, her affections were being reciprocated. She knew that the best way to maintain a good relationship, and for their union to continue to blossom, was to be honest and forthright with her man. The problem was that she had genital herpes and, although she wanted to tell him, she feared that, if she did, she would lose him.

CONSEQUENCE: The consequences of not telling Bill were even more serious than the consequences of telling him. The only real danger was losing him, but if disclosing her condition responsibly would make him run for cover, then not much was lost. The problem was the sense of isolation, secrecy and shame that comes with having a sexually transmitted disease.

STRATEGY: Since the primary means by which to overcome this potential problem was communication, I advised Alyssia about the proper way to have a serious private talk. I suggested that it take place in a public setting and made her realize that, if Bill decided to break off the relationship because of what she told him, she must accept it, even though he would be the one who’d really lost out.

SOLUTION: Alyssia took Bill to a coffee shop on Santa Monica Boulevard where there was enough traffic to hinder anyone from overhearing them, yet a setting that provided the right amount of privacy. Per my suggestion, she asked him if he were susceptible to herpes because, unfortunately, she was a carrier of the virus. Given that Bill truly did care for her, there was no problem.

BENEFITS: The benefit in this approach was that it maintained her positive self-image and guarded against the negative emotions of rejection. Having the conversation take place in a public setting allowed for the possibility of an undesirable response.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Self Image: Breast Size — Rita and Tina

I believe that everyone has suffered from the feeling of poor self-image at some time during his or her life. This negativity can affect confidence and self-esteem, both of which relate to all aspects of one’s relationships and sexuality. This chapter contains a sampling of diverse problems relating to self-image, ranging from a woman whose large breasts made her feel self-conscious to an obsessive man who believed that mastering sexual techniques would improve his self-image. I hope you will gain new insight from my prescribed strategies which helped turn these self-image, self-worth and shame disorders into positive and productive behaviors.

CONFESSION: Well beyond puberty, Rita found that her breasts continued to grow, causing her to be very self-conscious. The way men looked at her chest all the time made her very uncomfortable. Comparing her figure to those of other young women, Rita felt her breasts were just too large. She knew that breast reduction could help, but the idea of undergoing the elective surgery did not appeal to her.

CONSEQUENCE: The consequences of Rita’s fears were inhibitory. This caused her to express her self-dissatisfaction with a presentation that projected a negative self-image. Convinced that her breasts were too big, she would probably dress shabbily or unattractively, consigning herself to potential loneliness.

STRATEGY: My strategy was to improve Rita’s image of her body by realistically reminding her that most women are dissatisfied with some aspect of their bodies, well founded or not. I was able to improve her self-esteem by working on her positive body image.

SOLUTION: I had Rita look at men’s magazines, female fashion magazines, advertisements and related media, to see how much value has been ascribed to her natural assets. The fact that she was naturally well endowed should be much appreciated. I strongly advised her against breast reduction surgery, as the operation is fraught with risks and may leave a woman both physiologically and psychologically scarred. I encouraged her to recognize that her large breasts were a benefit to her. With all the attention she attracted, she could expect to have a wider field of potential beaus from which to choose. As long as her breasts did not grow to a magnitude which impeded other physical symptoms, giving her a bad back, for example, there was no need for alarm.

BENEFITS: Our work together resulted in a better self-image and increased Rita’s sense of desirability and self-worth. This, in turn, would translate itself into self-confidence and a beneficial assertiveness.

CONFESSION: The complete opposite of Rita, Tina thought her breasts were too small. Whenever she looked in a mirror, she thought her figure was out of proportion, her clothes didn’t fit right and she felt dissatisfied. She contemplated having breast augmentation, but had heard so many horror stories about implants that she wondered if it were worth the risk. In addition, she imagined she would dread hearing the ensuing chatter of her co-workers as she walked in to the office one day, with bigger breasts. They would immediately know she’d had them done.

CONSEQUENCE: The consequences of Tina’s dissatisfaction were that by focusing on what she perceived as a liability, her self-image had suffered. Because of her neurosis over her perceived lack of breast size, she was concerned about the implants and the negative effects of her reaction. Adding fuel to the fire, Tina did not allow herself to enjoy sex because of her feelings of inadequacy due to her small breasts.

STRATEGY: The successful resolution of Tina’s problem involved a thorough discussion of the pros and cons of implants as well as her true motivation. Tina insisted she was going to do it for herself, not for any man. She considered it necessary for her positive self-image. I reminded her of the example of a famous model/actress whose implants resulted in disfigurement and the loss of her career. Mistakes can be made. If she were truly doing this for herself, then the reaction of her co-workers would be irrelevant.

SOLUTION: Tina decided to go for the implantation as she felt larger breasts would contribute to the betterment of her self-image. She said she would feel less inhibited with the physical enhancement. I gave her a list of reputable surgeons specializing in breast augmentation and suggested she get at least three professional opinions before making a final decision. Tina consulted only one surgeon prior to her breast augmentation. While there was an initial buoyancy and positive personality change after the operation, my professional opinion was that her inner sense of personal inadequacy would manifest itself later in life.

BENEFITS: The benefit of this strategy was that it allowed Tina to make an informed decision. It enabled me to assess the sincerity of her motivation and to determine if the implants would give more than temporary relief to her sense of inadequacy.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward