Raging Sexual Desire During Menstruation

CONFESSION: It was awfully unfair, Shirley lamented, that her sexual desires waxed and waned with her monthly cycle. First, she was miserable, the very thought of making whoopee made her want to scream and she felt about as sexy as a wet mop! But after her period started, look out world! Every fiber of her being awakened and craved to be touched and passionately caressed. For the duration of her menstrual cycle, the temporarily uninhibited Shirley was in such a heightened state of arousal that all she could think about was sex, sex, sex!  These wild mood swings each month tormented her and she wondered if other women experienced this horrible, out of control feeling. Was there no way for her to take charge of her emotions or to make her body obey her mind?

CONSEQUENCE: It can not always be possible, nor even healthy to try to control the human body. By not listening to what her body was telling her, Shirley could make her discomfort even worse, as some women require sexual release during their periods. Shirley should accept her arousal during menstruation as a positive rather than anegative sensation. While it was important to control herself, this was different than controlling the body. As a consequence, she could become out of sync

STRATEGY: To show Shirley that other women shared her condition, and to get her to accept her sexual changes positively.

SOLUTION: There are many aspects of a woman’s personality that can change with her monthly cycle, including premenstrual tension or irritability. These sorts of common complaints could be alleviated by medication, breathing exercises or warm baths. If Shirley’s sexual desires changed with her monthly cycle, there was no need to change them or be alarmed by them, unless they manifested themselves behaviorally. In her particular case, if she couldn’t find a lover who was willing to make love to her during her period, then she could masturbate as a way of relieving the intensification.

BENEFITS: This strategy would help Shirley accept herself more and became less resistant to her bodily reactions, which left her less frustrated.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Taboo Sexual Positions and Sexual Guilt in Marriage: Greta’s Story

CONFESSION: Visions of hell fire and eternal damnation were ruining any enjoyment and pleasure that Greta might have derived from the wild fantasies she and her husband shared in their bedroom. Her husband repeatedly reassured her that their nighttime sexual escapades were harmless and even good for their marriage. Nevertheless, just as Greta was about to give into the desires of the flesh and explore with her husband the exotic, tantalizing world beyond the missionary position, the words of the church tenets lit up like neon signs inside her mind. According to the church, exploring fantasies like these was taboo, it was sinful and unnatural even for a husband and wife. If she was to participate, she reasoned, wasn’t she damning herself and her husband?

CONSEQUENCE: If Greta persisted in torturing herself with guilt, then ultimately she could block the interchange of fantasies between them, not only on a sexual plateau, but also hasten the demise of their marriage.

STRATEGY: Sometimes sexual fantasies have not been compatible with religious beliefs, particularly if the people involved were active churchgoers. But I noted that this had not prohibited Greta and her husband from exchanging fantasies in the past, I decided not to contest her religious upbringing, but instead play off of it and incorporate it into my advice.

SOLUTION: I asked Greta if she was ever caught with her hand in the cookie jar when she was younger. She said she was. She didn’t like getting caught, but she did like the cookies. Then she realized it was the same thing with the fantasies and hinted at possibly not revealing all their fantasies to the priest. This was one confession that the priests did not have to hear. The thrill of doing something secret and forbidden seemed to actually excite herand she was no longer afraid of going to hell just for fantasizing.

BENEFITS: The benefit here was that if I tried to recondition Greta about her religious background, I would only increase other conflicts. By using the practical approach, I addressed the direct problem.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Time for a Change?

So here’s the thing, I’ve been dating this girl for a while now. She’s the type that seems like crave attention from other men, so she likes going out to clubs, parties etc. She also likes interacting with men online, flirting and things like that. I can’t say I like the way she interacts and conducts herself around other men.

I’ve noticed that she’s also territorial. She gets very jealous if she thinks I’m out partying, hanging out with other women, talking to women online etc. Basically if I do anything she does, she’d get jealous. She’s pretty much selfish in that sense and admits it.

The thing is, she says she doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment. She says that they never work out for her, and that it seems that as soon as she makes her relationships official, they start to go downhill. Kind of superstitious I guess. But then again, she doesn’t want to just “fool/mess around” with me because she doesn’t want to “share” me with other women. Again, selfish.

So basically, we’re somewhere in the middle I guess. Honestly Doc, I can’t say I trust her. To me it seems like she would be happy if she could have me and other men without me knowing or having a problem with it. She just seems like one of those girls that love to roam, and run wild and free.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that my insecurities are growing. I tend to kind of check on certain things she does because in the back of my mind, I’m thinking there’s a chance she’s “playing” me. I know this isn’t good. The more I do it, the weaker I’ll become. But the thing is, she’s not exactly the overly affectionate/expressive type, and with her being the type that likes to be around men and craves their attention, I end up second guessing how she might feel about me at any given moment which causes me to ask her questions and confront her about certain things I dislike. I know none of this is good, and this is why I’m here.

I want to be able to have the control to pretty much not care what she’s doing, and not be tempted to ask her questions about how she feels. I know that a self-confident, secure guy who doesn’t complain is obviously more attractive. It’s always been a difficult thing for me once I’ve gotten a bit attached to the girl. So I was hoping you could maybe give me a few pointers on how to deal with this situation and turn the tables on her so that she could be the one stressing out, wondering, asking me questions, getting jealous etc. Yet I don’t want to push her completely away. I just want to have complete control if you get what I’m saying.

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Hello!

I can’t say you SHOULD like the way she deals with other men either! In fact, it’s damn disrespectful to you and your relationship!

Why in the hell are you being such a pussy about this? She doesn’t want YOU to have a life or any fun but she won’t give you what you want either. Don’t you see the problem here? She can only do this if you LET her do it! Further, she only does it because you do let her get away with it! She’s not the problem my brother; YOU are the problem.

OF COURSE your insecurities are growing! What else can they do? You apparently don’t want to man-up and tell this girl the facts. Instead, you’d rather act like a scared little boy; fearful of losing her, than to demand what you deserve – and feel comfortable walking if you don’t get it.

What you aren’t seeing is this: it’s exactly BECAUSE you won’t stand up for yourself that she doesn’t want anything real with you! No woman is going to invest herself in some guy that she doesn’t feel safe and secure with. If you don’t know your worth or value, how will she even know it?

Even your goal is wrong here. You’re hoping to discover some technique to not care what she does or says. That’s exactly the opposite of what you should be doing. Instead, you should hold her responsible for it – and tell her in absolute terms that HER actions are causing YOU to go find someone smarter than she is!

You’re wrong also about what a confident, secure guy would do. I’m one of those (and just as arrogant too! , so here’s what I’d do:

I’d tell this girl this: “Go out and eat hamburger if you want. I’m looking for a girl that likes steak and I’ve decided I’m going to find her. If you ever develop a taste for it, let me know, but so far, you haven’t.”

Then, I’d be in the arms of the next pretty girl I saw – with her watching me. If she’s this jaded, I might even get her to help me meet this girl! I’ve done this more than once. Any girl that won’t commit to me becomes the vehicle by which I meet such a girl. Yes, they hate that, but I deserve better treatment! I’ve actually asked girls that told me they weren’t looking for “…a relationship right now…” to introduce me to someone else at the bar!

Now, do you think that doesn’t get these girl’s competitive juices flowing? Do you think that doesn’t make me a prize in their eyes? If you think any of these things, you’re mistaken my friend. In fact, it does all these things.

What you do is to give away all your power to the girl because you’re attracted to her. It’s that very power she needs to see in order to feel attraction back. She neither wants it from you nor can use it when you give it to her. It’s yours to keep, but you have to decide once and for all that you’re worth more than you’re getting. Until you make this simple decision, you’re not worthy of it – and she knows it which is exactly why she treats you this way.

You don’t get “complete control” by backing away. You get control by taking it.

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Why Won’t My Wife Try a Little S & M?

CONFESSION: Don was certain that his wife would be as turned on as he was by the idea of indulging in kinky sex play which might spice up their predictable love life. In his opinion, a few adult toys, whips, chains and other restraints might be the perfect antidote to the drudgery their sex had become.Nancy agreed that a change in their sexual activities was necessary, but Don’s suggestion that they use these instruments of torture to bring each other pleasure so offended her, she axed their sex life completely!

CONSEQUENCE: The breakdown of the sexual component to their marriage might have driven Don away and possibly destroy their union unless they discussed their needs, desires and fears.

STRATEGY: Don was too direct in representing what he desired. He needed to introduce light, playful forms of bondage and discipline into their lovemaking and let more serious role-playing follow naturally.

SOLUTION: Don asked his wife if there were something she wanted to do sexually that he’d not previously done. He set the example for her by suggesting he was too selfish a lover. She stated that she wanted more attention; that their lovemaking had become stale and routine. Don made sure to stimulate her with plenty of foreplay, then changed their standard missionary position to one of entering her from the side. Once they were both in the heat of passion, Don began to gently and lovingly restrain her hands and arms. She responded in a positive manner and her immobility resulted in a strong orgasm. Later, when they discussed what had happened, Nancy admitted she liked being restrained while making love. The couple settled on light forms of bondage and discipline, without any chains or restraints, as a safer form of sadomasochistic behavior.

BENEFITS: We restored playfulness to their sexual life, allowing for further communication. If his wife achieved sexual satisfaction from being lightly dominated, Don’s fantasy would eventually come to fruition and he would be more fulfilled.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Dangerous Sexual Turn-Ons: Shana’s Story

CONFESSION: At the rate Shana was going, her next orgasm might very well be her last. What had begun as an erotic need to be roughed up and verbally abused had escalated into dangerous experiments with auto asphyxiation. While in a bar one night, Shana provoked a fight with a man and had an incredible orgasm when he tried to strangle her. Now Shana found it impossible to climax unless severe violence was being inflicted upon her.

CONSEQUENCE: At the hands of the wrong man, her behavior might have led to being badly beaten and hospitalized or even worse. Auto – asphyxiation can be fatal and should be avoided. Even though she derived orgasmic pleasure from its effects, the fact that the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain is compromised, especially during sexual release, indulging in this behavior might mean death.

STRATEGY: Shana needed a professional environment in which to realize her fantasies and would benefit from associations with responsible adults who shared her fantasies. She needed to find out why she wanted to be punished and I wanted to know if she could achieve orgasm through masturbation. She had to be persuaded to direct her energies towards carefully chosen, not random partners and not to experiment with auto – asphyxiation.

SOLUTION: I impressed upon Shana the serious consequences of her behavior and she agreed to stop pursuing strangulation games. Apparently, she had no problem reaching an orgasm through masturbation. She did, however, fantasize about being whipped and punished. She confessed that, when she was young, she would misbehave just so her parents would spank her, as she found the punishment very pleasurable. Now that she was all grown up, she continued to seek punishment anywhere she could find it. Shana decided to attend a domination parlor where she met Carlton, a psychologist who was doing research on S & M. His interests complimented hers and together, they created a safe role-playing environment where Shana could get roughed up professionally and safely. As her one and only master, Carlton ordered her never to use strangulation games again and never to play with strangers.

BENEFITS: She would live longer without sacrificing her sexual desires and lower her risk of meeting “Mr. Wrong.”

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Sexual Etiquette: What Does He Mean When He Says “I Love You” During Sex?

CONFESSION: During unguarded moments of sexual intimacy Ray’s sentimentality often got the better of him. Those three little words, upon which civilizations have been built and destroyed, came tumbling unbidden from his lips. “I love you” was the only phrase that seemed appropriate at the time to express his emotional connectedness to his lover.  Bitter experience taught him that men and women havea  significantly different interpretation of love innocently proclaimed. He feared that his inability to repress those words would one day and with the wrong partner lead to an emotionally devastating conclusion.

CONSEQUENCE: Some people would take you literally at your word, or would not share the same definition of words. Ray’s inability to choose his words as well as he chose his partners would cause hurt feelings later on.

STRATEGY: Ray might be best advised to have sex only with those persons he truly loved. However, it was unlikely that would happen. Consequently, he needed to be selective both in his words and actions.

SOLUTION: I had Ray think up some alternative words for love and to think of some explicit sexual terms that could express intimacy. A sexpartner was equally flattered by a graphic sexual compliment. By remaining as conscious of what he said as he was of what he did, the post-coital complications could be lessened.

BENEFITS: The benefit was that it lessened the risk of someone’s feelings being hurt and increased Ray’s responsibility for his own words or behavior.

Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Sexual Inhibitions: I Want Him to Try Something New in Bed

CONFESSION: After a rather lengthy and non-sexual courtship, Robert and Lara finally agreed that the time was right to become more intimate with each other. Robert rapidly learned to enjoy the way Lara made love to him, and he too, proved to be a quick study in the oral sex department. He learned what buttons to push to bring her pleasure with his mouth, as he eagerly explored between her legs, his tongue probing her soft, inviting womanhood. The more they began to trust each other and shared their needs, the closer they became and the more satisfying their sex life was.

Then Lara discovered that she had and intense desire to have her anus licked, a thought that left Robert less than enthused. It wasn’t that Lara wasn’t scrupulously clean and certainly she had no odor problems, but the whole idea of putting his tongue there went way beyond his newfound oral abilities.

CONSEQUENCE: It was not a wise idea to refuse a sexual request of a partnerwithout having tried it. Ultimately, it would either make Lara think something was wrong with him or with herself.

STRATEGY: To educate Robert as to the benefits of analingus, or “rimming” as it was sometimes called, and to get him to try it. He might like it.

SOLUTION: Robert made sure Lara had cleaned herself and washed after going to the bathroom. Then, while he was eating her (performing cunnilingus), he also rimmed her asshole, and even stuck the tip of his tongue inside it. Lara’s anus was one of her more sensitive erogenous zones and through the introductionof analingus he discovered this. Eventually, the anal attention led to anal intercourse as one of their favorite sexual outlets.

BENEFITS: The relationship between Robert and Lara would be less strained, and the two of them could add to their sexual vocabulary.

Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Confession to a Loveologist: Exploring Polygamy

CONFESSION: The fantasies that George and Sally wanted to explore involved persons outside their primary relationship. Actualizing the fantasies would necessitate a breach in their vows of monogamy by one or the other of them, or both. Remaining completely faithful to each other is one of their highest marital goals, but so is helping the other achieve complete sexual satisfaction. This seemingly unresolvable conflict has led to a sexual crisis for the otherwise happy couple.

CONSEQUENCE: Because George and Sally were making unrealistic demands upon themselves they were doomed to sexual dissatisfaction.

STRATEGY: George and Sally should explore their fantasies as a way of determining if they would really like to proceed. There are few truly monogamous relationships and by striving to achieve monogamy, they must realize that most couples, while largely monogamous, have important differences. They must accept this.

SOLUTION: I suggested that George and Sally verbalize their fantasies and watch some adult videos that featured their fantasies in them. If the fantasies and the visual representation of them proved exciting, then they could safely proceed with the serious consideration of actualizing them, based on mutual consent.

BENEFITS: Once they have resolved the conflict regarding their monogamous values, the couple would be free to explore their fantasies and would be able to decide if they were satisfactory or not.

Conversation with a Loveologist: Why Am I Having Homosexual Fantasies?

CONFESSION: In the light of day, the thought of embracing another hairy, sweaty guy, or giving sexual pleasure to one was the last thing that Hakeem found at all stimulating. Other men just were not attractive to him! Give Hakeem a beautiful, soft, female body anytime, to get his passion juices flowing! Why then, he queried, did he have these recurring erotic fantasies involving members of his own gender, and how could he make these dreams stop?

CONSEQUENCE: Hakeem doubted his own masculinity and was troubled because of a certain ignorance about the nature and function of fanta-ies.

STRATEGY: To get Hakeem to learn to accept the differences between fantasy and reality. If what he said about finding men unattractive was true, then he would not respond favorably to the reality.

SOLUTION: I asked Hakeem what his homosexual fantasies were about. When he told me, I supplied him with some adult videos that featured that fantasy. He did not find them a turn on at all. After he saw them, his fantasies took a different tone. Hakeem’s fantasies were about things unknown to him. Any actualization removed the fantasy thrill.

BENEFITS: By voyeuristically confronting him with his fantasies, Hakeem might confront his own true feelings.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward

Sex as a Form of Control in Marriage

CONFESSION: Sidney’s wife was doling out sex only upon “payment” received. This extortion came in the form of added household chores or an extra measure of spending allowance.While Sidney deeply resented his wife’s tactics, and thought the quality and the quantity of the sex incommensurate to what he was “paying”, he didn’t want to lose her. Her behavior had begun to seriously threaten their marriage.

CONSEQUENCE: If Sidney remained resentful, he would eventually leave his wife or find another partner.

STRATEGY: I needed to meet with both of them to ascertain if it might be possible to save the relationship. Sidney had to promise not to
hold grudges outside of the bedroom and she had to make love with him, no strings attached.

SOLUTION: Sex is not an appropriate means for reward and punishment, yet many people consider it so. Sidney’s wife was manipulative and was trying to gain concessions by withholding sex. Negotiation in marriage is fair, but must be done conscientiously. Sidney felt his wife’s non-sexual demands were out of line with the amount of sex he was getting. His wife admitted she really didn’t like sex at all, neither with her husband nor anyone else, but when he was “good” to her, she could “grin and bear it”. Ultimately, she was unwilling to change her attitude or her behavior and Sidney eventually left her.

BENEFITS: The communicative channels might have been improved, and a line of fair negotiation and compromise reached. It might have, thereafter, been possible to restore their relationship.

This is an excerpt from Confessions to a Sexologist: Peeking into the Sexual Secrets of America by Dr. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D. Visit Dr. Ava’s bookstore at Loveology University — http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx?a_aid=sward